Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?

[Anonymous]

Stepped out of the workforce because the two crazy career schedules just wasn’t allowing us to be there for our kids the way we wanted. Fast forward a couple of years and DH has basically decided to disengage from parenting. Weekend activities fall to me - I don’t mind doing it even though I’d like a break but DH is therefore not spending time with the kids or showing interest in their activities. I try to put together some rules for screen time and allowance and want DH input. He basically responds by beings irritated and doesn’t try to be helpful or problem solve. Anyone else encounter this? It’s almost as though he has taken a divide and conquer approach - and in the extreme. I am depressed as a result and thaonk I need to work again to regain an equal footing or to at least have a clear reason why he should parent more. Sometimes he will engage in a parachute in kind of way - not taking the time to really hear what’s going on and the pros and cons of our options or why our child is behaving a certain way. Maybe he just wants an easy solution. I recall being busy at work but I never would have abdicated my role as parent - and certainly would have understood that if I refuse to engage or collaborate that I owe it to my partner trust him to do what he thinks is best.

This is basically a lonely vent, I realize, but welcome helpful thoughts on how to address it in a way that helps us be a happy family.

[Anonymous]

A clear reason for him to parent more is that they are his kids, too. You didn't make them by yourself. Tell him that you're going out for the day and that he's in charge of everything. Then leave. A grown man should be able to figure out what to do and how to do it.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't have anything useful. I can see this happening to me in a few years. I'm planning to step out of the workforce for a few years as well, starting in early summer. Good luck! Hang in there, and keep the end game in mind (happy family).

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, but this isn’t normal. My dh was dying to spend time with the kids on the weekends. It sounds like he’s escaping the hard work of parenthood and you’re getting the brunt.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a marriage problem, not a parenting problem. It does sound like you should go back to work. Sorry you're going through a hard time.

[Anonymous]

You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

+ 1

You are dividing and conquering. Single parents have it harder than majority of those situations where there are two working parents or 1 working & 1 SAH parents.

This does not mean that you do not have a perfectly good reason to be overwhelmed with providing childcare day in and day out. The solution is to either outsource some chores and childcare, divvy up some work with DH, or come up with a combination of both.

When I became a SAHM, I realized after a year or two that I needed help. When I started to look for childcare it became clear that I did not like the places that offered part time childcare and I did not want to put my child in a full time childcare either. Eventually, we paid for a full time spot in a Montessori school, but used it for only a few hours a day. My child was going to school from 10 am (or 11 am) - 1 pm. This allowed him to wake in a leisurely manner, have his breakfast, and then look forward to some play and learning with his friends at school. These 2-3 three hours were fantastic for my child. This was the best decision for us and the benefit of a Montessori education was reaped for many years after the experience.

I realize that we were in a situation that the cost of the Montessori education was affordable.

- Another SAHM.

[Anonymous]

And you wanted him to make money and take equal parenting part?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is part of why I didn't last as a SAHM. It was bad for my marriage. There was all this scorekeeping, and it wasn't real in most cases, but it was harder than juggling things and working and we didn't have the my income, which had previously been half the income.

I went back to another job at a reduced workload (32 hrs/week) and that has worked out WAY better for us, for the kids, and for my mental health.

[Anonymous]

I actually think that's normal and something I see in the vast majority of SAHM/ working dad relationships. The mom takes over everything child and house related and the dad just makes money. It is nice that one person is able to make more money and given more time/flexibility to make that money.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a SAHM in your position, and a single parent. Both are hard. They are not the same. Different problems with different solutions. Maybe you can propose changes that may make help both of your competing needs for time (eg he does all kid related stuff on x days, or you budget in the cost of a sitter 1 weekend a month so you both have an off day from work, etc).

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm on month 2 of a 6 month "maternity leave" with #2 and DH has been traveling for work for half of it so far. I feel the same but at least DH is engaged with us on the wewkends. I feel for you and think you should have a good sit down talk with him and consider working part time and forcing him some responsibility in the parenting role.

Just so you know, DH wasn't traveling today and I literally gave up on parenting DC1 who is on spring break (bc of the snow though we've had tons of 1 on 1 time the last 5 days). I literally just laid on the couch and nursed DC2, didn't even cook dinner or do anything productive. I felt like a horrible mom but I don't care. I'll be better tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

If parenting is your full-time job, why are you trying to bring in a contractor to manage or delegate 1/4th of the work to? Just do it and get it done - you are you own supervisor so if you say no screen time, its no screen time darned it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.