Dh treating Sunday dinner every week and other extras

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thread got a little off track. To be clear I don't mind the dinners. We have a fun time and its been a good "re start" to the week as the kids have gotten older and don't always come on "their days" with travel teams and school and social stuff. I just felt like it was controlling and odd to always insist on paying even when the other adults are vocal about wanting to. I do think its guilt. Overall I am not going to say anything I was just curious if other blended families have had similar issues. We actually did draw up wills when we work on our prenup and they are heavily in favor of our collaborative children (meaning mine is included equally as well).

[Anonymous]

He can pay child's expenses directly. If he continues child support and pays everything directly, it gets expensive. Can he afford all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thread got a little off track. To be clear I don't mind the dinners. We have a fun time and its been a good "re start" to the week as the kids have gotten older and don't always come on "their days" with travel teams and school and social stuff. I just felt like it was controlling and odd to always insist on paying even when the other adults are vocal about wanting to. I do think its guilt. Overall I am not going to say anything I was just curious if other blended families have had similar issues. We actually did draw up wills when we work on our prenup and they are heavily in favor of our collaborative children (meaning mine is included equally as well).

It should rotate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been married 1.5 years. On Sundays we always go out to dinner with his ex wife, their 3 kids, and sometimes their mom brings her boyfriend. DH insists on treating every single time even though their mom and the boyfriend try and pay. I casually mentioned this week that he should take them up on their offer once in awhile and he got very serious and said "Larla Im the patriarch of my family and Sunday dinner will be on me, every week, no matter who comes, every single time." This is NOT like my husband. He's not an alpha male and Ive never even heard him say the word patriarch before. It made me wonder why he has such a need to treat. Makes other things feel a little un easy too. Like sometimes he will give Ex a few 50s and say "I know its been a heavy month." Which is in regards to random kid expenses. That makes me uneasy as I know the amount taken out of his paycheck is very generous and far above what court ordered. Also the oldest is turning 18 soon and the agreement is to stop paying 180 days after high school graduation and he has already said things like "we will see how it works out" and "even though he's leaving the house there will still be expenses" etc etc. My gut says its too much but my mind says I have to stay out of it in order for this to work. Before you pound me I am NOT the other woman, DH was divorced for 3 years before I met him, and we all as adults get along well. I have a child from my first marriage but her dad is not around financially or physically so I dont have an idea of the "norm." Any insight from other blended families.

Butt out. My dad married someone like you when I was a teenager...he was quite generous with us kids and his new wife was always looking at the $$ coming to us in the form of family meals out together or some "random kid expenses." We noticed. All three of us cannot stand her. To this day. Don't be that woman. My dad was a good guy. Sounds like your DH is as well. Don't get in the middle of this. Just my 2 cents from a former kid who went through this.

(fwiw, he never used the word "patriarch")

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Dad could not afford it? He is supporting two households and that gets expensive when you are paying all your expenses, child support, extras and more. Its great Dad was a good guy, but financially maybe they couldn't afford it. Maybe they had expenses you didn't know about. Maybe they were going heavily into debt for him to do that. You forget he's paying child support, extra's per court order, extra's by choice and that really adds up. Plus, he needs a roof over his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thread got a little off track. To be clear I don't mind the dinners. We have a fun time and its been a good "re start" to the week as the kids have gotten older and don't always come on "their days" with travel teams and school and social stuff. I just felt like it was controlling and odd to always insist on paying even when the other adults are vocal about wanting to. I do think its guilt. Overall I am not going to say anything I was just curious if other blended families have had similar issues. We actually did draw up wills when we work on our prenup and they are heavily in favor of our collaborative children (meaning mine is included equally as well).

It is weird, as is the "patriarch" comment, as is giving her extra money. It is not inexplicable, though: he is uncomfortable with another man in "his" role in his wife and kids' lives, even though he doesn't want his ex-wife to be his actual wife anymore. It is a way of expressing to the new husband that he is the "real" husband and father.

[Anonymous]

He still loves her. You’re jealous because the father of your child doesn’t love you as much as your DH loves the mother of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a good dad. Unless you two are struggling financially I would stay out of it.

Plus 100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been married 1.5 years. On Sundays we always go out to dinner with his ex wife, their 3 kids, and sometimes their mom brings her boyfriend. DH insists on treating every single time even though their mom and the boyfriend try and pay. I casually mentioned this week that he should take them up on their offer once in awhile and he got very serious and said "Larla Im the patriarch of my family and Sunday dinner will be on me, every week, no matter who comes, every single time." This is NOT like my husband. He's not an alpha male and Ive never even heard him say the word patriarch before. It made me wonder why he has such a need to treat. Makes other things feel a little un easy too. Like sometimes he will give Ex a few 50s and say "I know its been a heavy month." Which is in regards to random kid expenses. That makes me uneasy as I know the amount taken out of his paycheck is very generous and far above what court ordered. Also the oldest is turning 18 soon and the agreement is to stop paying 180 days after high school graduation and he has already said things like "we will see how it works out" and "even though he's leaving the house there will still be expenses" etc etc. My gut says its too much but my mind says I have to stay out of it in order for this to work. Before you pound me I am NOT the other woman, DH was divorced for 3 years before I met him, and we all as adults get along well. I have a child from my first marriage but her dad is not around financially or physically so I dont have an idea of the "norm." Any insight from other blended families.

Butt out. My dad married someone like you when I was a teenager...he was quite generous with us kids and his new wife was always looking at the $$ coming to us in the form of family meals out together or some "random kid expenses." We noticed. All three of us cannot stand her. To this day. Don't be that woman. My dad was a good guy. Sounds like your DH is as well. Don't get in the middle of this. Just my 2 cents from a former kid who went through this.

(fwiw, he never used the word "patriarch")

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Dad could not afford it? He is supporting two households and that gets expensive when you are paying all your expenses, child support, extras and more. Its great Dad was a good guy, but financially maybe they couldn't afford it. Maybe they had expenses you didn't know about. Maybe they were going heavily into debt for him to do that. You forget he's paying child support, extra's per court order, extra's by choice and that really adds up. Plus, he needs a roof over his head.

What two households? It doesn't sound like the second marriage produced children so it's just two able bodied adults who ought to work and support themselves. Minor children will always have more claim on the man's money than his new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he feels guilty for some reason you don't know about. Like he did cheat, just not with you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thread got a little off track. To be clear I don't mind the dinners. We have a fun time and its been a good "re start" to the week as the kids have gotten older and don't always come on "their days" with travel teams and school and social stuff. I just felt like it was controlling and odd to always insist on paying even when the other adults are vocal about wanting to. I do think its guilt. Overall I am not going to say anything I was just curious if other blended families have had similar issues. We actually did draw up wills when we work on our prenup and they are heavily in favor of our collaborative children (meaning mine is included equally as well).

It should rotate.

Agree it's weird that he pays for the dinner each time. Seems like the ex or the new b/f should pay some of the time unless your DH earns substantially more. Even then, having them pay a token amount of times (1 out of 10 or 20) seems normal.

[Anonymous]

I get him. He wants his kids to see that he's a kind, generous, loving, accepting person. He wants to show he includes everyone and is a good caretaker and provider.

[Anonymous]

He’s a dad. He will be slipping his kids money for life. Sorry your ex isn’t as normal/generous.

I WILL say that I think it’s bizarre the new man hasn’t stepped up and slipped his card to the server/prepaid EVER. Maybe he likes that subtle cuckolding (sp) that even though he is the new man of the house he is somehow not the man of the house... or he’s just so cheap he doesn’t care.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t *care*..... but I would definitely think it was *weird*. If everything else is good, cool. At worst it indicates ridgidity/inflexibility/cluelessness which you may see bleed over into other aspects of life.

[Anonymous]

He wants to make sure kids know he’s still the man of the household, not new BF. It’s all ego.

[Anonymous]

I really fail to see the issue. People are really looking for sinister reasons here and it’s silly. That’s why much of DCUM is miserable—always looking for the worst in people.

I’d be proud that my partner was generous like this. Whatever the motivation.