Dh treating Sunday dinner every week and other extras

[Anonymous]

My only problem is with him describing himself? as the patriarch. Men who think of themselves as patriarchs are usually controlling. As far as the money, if you can afford it, I don't see a problem. My husband has paid for my ex-husband's meal many times when we go out together, because we're all great friends. My ex tries to pay and my husband tells him not to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Far, far out of it. It is the north pole and you are staying in Antarctica. My DH can be like this. There is no win for you here. Unless you begin having trouble paying your mortgage, your electricity is turned off, or you cannot afford groceries, just stay out of it.

That goes double (quadruple?) for child support after the oldest turns 18. Let's face it - in this day and age very, very few kids are self-sustaining at 18. Just don't even try to find out if he's still giving anyone money for the oldest. Just leave it all alone, forever and ever.

[Anonymous]

Wait, isn’t he providing financially and otherwise for your child as if it’s his without input from your ex? Sounds like he’s doing the same for his own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been married 1.5 years. On Sundays we always go out to dinner with his ex wife, their 3 kids, and sometimes their mom brings her boyfriend. DH insists on treating every single time even though their mom and the boyfriend try and pay. I casually mentioned this week that he should take them up on their offer once in awhile and he got very serious and said "Larla Im the patriarch of my family and Sunday dinner will be on me, every week, no matter who comes, every single time." This is NOT like my husband. He's not an alpha male and Ive never even heard him say the word patriarch before. It made me wonder why he has such a need to treat. Makes other things feel a little un easy too. Like sometimes he will give Ex a few 50s and say "I know its been a heavy month." Which is in regards to random kid expenses. That makes me uneasy as I know the amount taken out of his paycheck is very generous and far above what court ordered. Also the oldest is turning 18 soon and the agreement is to stop paying 180 days after high school graduation and he has already said things like "we will see how it works out" and "even though he's leaving the house there will still be expenses" etc etc. My gut says its too much but my mind says I have to stay out of it in order for this to work. Before you pound me I am NOT the other woman, DH was divorced for 3 years before I met him, and we all as adults get along well. I have a child from my first marriage but her dad is not around financially or physically so I dont have an idea of the "norm." Any insight from other blended families.

Butt out. My dad married someone like you when I was a teenager...he was quite generous with us kids and his new wife was always looking at the $$ coming to us in the form of family meals out together or some "random kid expenses." We noticed. All three of us cannot stand her. To this day. Don't be that woman. My dad was a good guy. Sounds like your DH is as well. Don't get in the middle of this. Just my 2 cents from a former kid who went through this.

(fwiw, he never used the word "patriarch")

[Anonymous]

He wants to appear like the main authority figure in front of his kids. I don't see it as a bad thing, really. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Are your finances joint? Is this financially affecting your family? If the answer is no, leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen his will? I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves more to his kids than to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about the paying part as long as he can afford it, but it would get old QUICK going to dinner with the ex-wife, mom, and her BF too EVERY WEEK. I wouldn't mind the kids, but sheesh. Are you really going to do this every week for the foreseeable future?

I can see how this can be strange to some people, but I think it is a sign that there is nothing to hide. He isn't sneaking to dinner with ex, his new wife knows how much he is spending, it is all upfront. Maybe he is from a different culture of a first generation American and grew up with his Dad paying for everything? My Dad(not US) always used to pay for everything. Even now, with severe dementia, he keeps asking me how much money to give me for college living! If DH and I wanted to pay in the past, I would have to go to the waiter and pay before bill came to the table. My US FIL is the same, so it might not be that different from culture to culture.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think this shows that he is a kind and decent guy who cares about his kids. Unless you guys are hurting for money, I would not say a word about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about the paying part as long as he can afford it, but it would get old QUICK going to dinner with the ex-wife, mom, and her BF too EVERY WEEK. I wouldn't mind the kids, but sheesh. Are you really going to do this every week for the foreseeable future?

I can see how this can be strange to some people, but I think it is a sign that there is nothing to hide. He isn't sneaking to dinner with ex, his new wife knows how much he is spending, it is all upfront. Maybe he is from a different culture of a first generation American and grew up with his Dad paying for everything? My Dad(not US) always used to pay for everything. Even now, with severe dementia, he keeps asking me how much money to give me for college living! If DH and I wanted to pay in the past, I would have to go to the waiter and pay before bill came to the table. My US FIL is the same, so it might not be that different from culture to culture.

PP here. My DH has nothing to hide with his ex-wife. But there's no way that we are having dinner with her AT ALL, let alone EVERY WEEK. Sure, we will run into her at events for the kid, but there won't be any socializing...and again there's no way I would commit to this every Sunday.

OP, you should have never let this shit start in the first place. I'm afraid that you're stuck now, so just grin and bear it. Or you could just start opting out of these dinner sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why it bothers you, but the safest thing would be to leave it alone.

On the other hand, can you afford all these extra expenses beyond the court-mandated child support?

I imagine your DH probably feels guilty about the divorce . . .

This!

[Anonymous]

He feels very, very guilty
Leave it alone

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a decent, honorable man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen his will? I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves more to his kids than to you.

And why shouldn’t he exactly?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he feels guilty for some reason you don't know about. Like he did cheat, just not with you.