Dh treating Sunday dinner every week and other extras

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Is he committing so much money that he is using your salary also? Can he pay for 50% of the bills in addition to the extra money? Does any of his money go to support your daughter? Are you really going to cut your daughter off after high school?

[Anonymous]

Definitely stay out of it! There will be other expenses and it sounds like your DH wants to pay his share and perhaps a tad more for the sake of positive relationships. The spirirt of their divorce agreement, rather than the letter, is what matters.

If you are not of the same social class and culture as your DH this will be an adjustment, but it would be weird and abnormal for financially comfortable parents to completely cut their child off after high school. That is unlikely to lead to the best long-term outcome for the child, and will damage your DH's relationships with child and ex. If you pressure him to stop paying, you will be the villain. So just accept that your DH would like to pay a little more for the sake of good relationships. He sounds like a good man who takes the high road and the long view.

[Anonymous]

Of course it should make you uneasy. This is why you don't marry someone with baggage. Since you did, you're going to have to live with it.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that he wants to take care of his children. He's right, you know, there are still expenses for children after they turn 18. College is expensive and I still cover some things for my 20+ year old because it works out better that way. He views that Sunday dinner as something he does for his children. It sounds nice.

[Anonymous]

He is trying to pay a fair share of actual expenses, rather than just paying what is in the agreement and telling ex and child to tough it out if there are extra costs. Isn't that what a good father should do? Expenses happen if you want to invest in your child. Not all months are the same, and a custod agreement from long ago may not have accurately predicted the actual expenses. People make these agreements before they really understand what it costs to have a teenager.

Think about how you would want to be treated by an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.

OP here. Just to clear this up all of the kids will draw a very generous amount from their 529 (enough to cover living expenses) so the plan was never cutting them off! I agree with the general sentiment to not say anything. I was just curious if other blended families ever felt similar.

[Anonymous]

Why does your gut say it is too much? Are you having trouble affording your own expenses? Is he not generous to you and your daughter?

I sympathize that it sucks when your own ex does not pay much. But that does not mean your DH should opt out of real and legitimate expenses just because they exceed the custody agreement. It isn't the child or ex's problem that your ex sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It is not a financial hardship. Our money is somewhat conjoined and somewhat separate. I would say the dinner money comes from "his money".

[Anonymous]

As long as it doesn't have an impact on your finances, I'd let it go.

I do think it's a power thing to pay for dinner. Esp since hie pulled the patriarch line. Growing up my father and his friends would argue over who paid for dinner with the goal of paying.

I could see being annoyed if his ex and her BF acted entitled/expected him to pay, but it sounds like everyone gets along.

As for continuing the kid expense after 18, it makes sense to me -- my H didn't want to continue paying his ex when his child turned 18, but is more than happy to send his child a monthly allowance directly.

Stepmom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.

OP here. Just to clear this up all of the kids will draw a very generous amount from their 529 (enough to cover living expenses) so the plan was never cutting them off! I agree with the general sentiment to not say anything. I was just curious if other blended families ever felt similar.

I can tell you that as a teenaged child of divorce, if my dad's new wife thought she had any say over this, that would ruin our relationship. Remember, you chose to join a family with a financial system already in place. They did not ask for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.

OP here. Just to clear this up all of the kids will draw a very generous amount from their 529 (enough to cover living expenses) so the plan was never cutting them off! I agree with the general sentiment to not say anything. I was just curious if other blended families ever felt similar.

I can tell you that as a teenaged child of divorce, if my dad's new wife thought she had any say over this, that would ruin our relationship. Remember, you chose to join a family with a financial system already in place. They did not ask for your input.

OP here. I would never say anything to the child. And am deciding not to say anything to DH. I know my place. Im a good stepmom (try hard) and am not trying to ruin any financial system.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't he be giving his kids the extra $ though, not ex-wife? Who's to say she's not spending it on manicures and massages?

[Anonymous]

He sure feels guilty, where you the AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.

OP here. Just to clear this up all of the kids will draw a very generous amount from their 529 (enough to cover living expenses) so the plan was never cutting them off! I agree with the general sentiment to not say anything. I was just curious if other blended families ever felt similar.

I can tell you that as a teenaged child of divorce, if my dad's new wife thought she had any say over this, that would ruin our relationship. Remember, you chose to join a family with a financial system already in place. They did not ask for your input.

OP here. I would never say anything to the child. And am deciding not to say anything to DH. I know my place. Im a good stepmom (try hard) and am not trying to ruin any financial system.

The child would know even if you did not say anything. You can't just change a family norm without people asking why.

Why does this bother your "gut"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sure feels guilty, where you the AP?

Were