S/O AP is pregnant (or AP got me pregnant)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Seems like the best outcome would be that the AP marries someone at some point who decides to adopt the child.

I don't know if you can adopt someone with two living parents but it would certainly be easier if she was married and had someone to lighten her parenting load.

People give children up for adoption all the time with two living parents. Maybe your question is that you don't think only one parent can terminate their parental rights while the other retains them. Obviously this varies by state but, in Virginia for example, the case where the mother remarries is an easy one. Provided the new father has lived with the child for a specified period of time he can adopt the child with either the bio father's consent or if the bio father has abandoned the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Seems like the best outcome would be that the AP marries someone at some point who decides to adopt the child.

I don't know if you can adopt someone with two living parents but it would certainly be easier if she was married and had someone to lighten her parenting load.

People give children up for adoption all the time with two living parents. Maybe your question is that you don't think only one parent can terminate their parental rights while the other retains them. Obviously this varies by state but, in Virginia for example, the case where the mother remarries is an easy one. Provided the new father has lived with the child for a specified period of time he can adopt the child with either the bio father's consent or if the bio father has abandoned the child.

No, I understand that it CAN be done. I'm saying that with a living and engaged parent (who doesn't happen to be married to the mother), her husband can't really adopt unless the biodad consents. My DH will never consent to this. However, I think that if his AP got married to someone who would help her with the child, it would certainly lessen the parenting load on the biodad (just from the logistics point of view).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends neighbor did the 23 and me test with her family. Turned out she didn’t match her Dad’s DNA profile..mother had to dress up she had an affair and that the man who raised her wasn’t her dad. Of course he didn’t find out until then either

I bet this starts happening a lot more now that these tests are getting more popular.

Myra this could be hidden in the last. My mom was an L&D nurse and she always said it was so awkward when two white parents had a black baby.

How often did this happen? Would massive arguments break out in the maternity ward between the mother and assumed father? I have soooooooooooooo many questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends neighbor did the 23 and me test with her family. Turned out she didn’t match her Dad’s DNA profile..mother had to dress up she had an affair and that the man who raised her wasn’t her dad. Of course he didn’t find out until then either

I bet this starts happening a lot more now that these tests are getting more popular.

Myra this could be hidden in the last. My mom was an L&D nurse and she always said it was so awkward when two white parents had a black baby.

How often did this happen? Would massive arguments break out in the maternity ward between the mother and assumed father? I have soooooooooooooo many questions.

Me too!

[Anonymous]

My brother got himself in this situation. He paid child support but had no contact with the child. His wife stayed with him for 2 years after the baby was born. She returned the favor to by cheating on him with her ex boyfriend from college. No one really blamed her for the affair or divorcing my brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends neighbor did the 23 and me test with her family. Turned out she didn’t match her Dad’s DNA profile..mother had to dress up she had an affair and that the man who raised her wasn’t her dad. Of course he didn’t find out until then either

I bet this starts happening a lot more now that these tests are getting more popular.

Myra this could be hidden in the last. My mom was an L&D nurse and she always said it was so awkward when two white parents had a black baby.

I bet this happens a lot in Alabama and panhandle Florida. Floribama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you need to have more than a few screws loose to be the AP of a married man and keep the baby. It's absolutely insane and recipe for a life of drama, pain, and crippling heartache (for both the mother, baby, and father).

The female AP is basically a massive masochist.

I know my husband's AP kept the baby in hopes that he will leave me and marry her. I'm sure he encouraged her in this thinking because no sane woman would have a baby otherwise. Well, not only did he not leave me, but we ended up having more children. She is very angry, and now, when she is realizing how much drama there will be for her child in the foreseeable future, she gets angrier every day. It's a terrible situation, as I said. No one wins, everyone is in pain, forever. She says her daughter has been deprived of a father for five years, and I'm like yes....she has been...what did you think it was going to be like?

Sounds like you're still (understandably) angry too.

Not sure I could respect a man who doesn't father his kids enough to remain with him.

One day your children will know that their parents knew of their sister but deliberately ignored her. Not sure how I'd feel about my parents doing that.

I'm really not judging you because I can't imagine the betrayal. I also realize you guys are trying to deal with life the best way you can. But I'd encourage you to seriously reconsider tossing that child away. You need to look at the bigger picture. I can't imagine much good coming to adults who turn their backs on flesh and blood.

She isn't tossed away. He sees his daughter (with the AP) at least three times a week. He also takes her to school and picks her up every day (it's on the way). All the kids have dinner together once a week.

The reality is, however, that our kids get a lot more parenting time and resources than that. That's just the fact of life. She is angry about that because she somehow envisaged a scenario where kids get "equal time". That's impossible. Time is finite, and more time spent in one place means less time somewhere else. Much of this stems from the fact that she doesn't allow the girl to come to our house (that way she could spend more time with her father and siblings in a way that doesn't take time away from the family). It is what it is. The AP, however, doesn't seem to understand that she is the reason her daughter is deprived of a full-time father because she decided to have a child with a married man.

And that was my original point. Having a child outside of marriage is a terrible, terrible decision. It creates so much pain and drama for everyone involved, and primarily for the innocent parties - the wife and the children, both of marriage and of the AP. There are no winners there.

I don't understand this bit. Do you all put up with this to keep peace? This seems totally unenforceable. Otherwise, why not go to court and get a custody agreement that gives your husband more autonomy and decision making authority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you need to have more than a few screws loose to be the AP of a married man and keep the baby. It's absolutely insane and recipe for a life of drama, pain, and crippling heartache (for both the mother, baby, and father).

The female AP is basically a massive masochist.

I know my husband's AP kept the baby in hopes that he will leave me and marry her. I'm sure he encouraged her in this thinking because no sane woman would have a baby otherwise. Well, not only did he not leave me, but we ended up having more children. She is very angry, and now, when she is realizing how much drama there will be for her child in the foreseeable future, she gets angrier every day. It's a terrible situation, as I said. No one wins, everyone is in pain, forever. She says her daughter has been deprived of a father for five years, and I'm like yes....she has been...what did you think it was going to be like?

Sounds like you're still (understandably) angry too.

Not sure I could respect a man who doesn't father his kids enough to remain with him.

One day your children will know that their parents knew of their sister but deliberately ignored her. Not sure how I'd feel about my parents doing that.

I'm really not judging you because I can't imagine the betrayal. I also realize you guys are trying to deal with life the best way you can. But I'd encourage you to seriously reconsider tossing that child away. You need to look at the bigger picture. I can't imagine much good coming to adults who turn their backs on flesh and blood.

She isn't tossed away. He sees his daughter (with the AP) at least three times a week. He also takes her to school and picks her up every day (it's on the way). All the kids have dinner together once a week.

The reality is, however, that our kids get a lot more parenting time and resources than that. That's just the fact of life. She is angry about that because she somehow envisaged a scenario where kids get "equal time". That's impossible. Time is finite, and more time spent in one place means less time somewhere else. Much of this stems from the fact that she doesn't allow the girl to come to our house (that way she could spend more time with her father and siblings in a way that doesn't take time away from the family). It is what it is. The AP, however, doesn't seem to understand that she is the reason her daughter is deprived of a full-time father because she decided to have a child with a married man.

And that was my original point. Having a child outside of marriage is a terrible, terrible decision. It creates so much pain and drama for everyone involved, and primarily for the innocent parties - the wife and the children, both of marriage and of the AP. There are no winners there.

The AP thought they would be a happy little family as well. In my case, the AP was married also married. She planned to leave her spouse and was even looking for a two bedroom apartment for her, my DH and the kid. Uhmmmmm...... where were my kids going to sleep? She was also furious. Her husband wanted to raise the child and still is as far as I know. The kids definitely pay the biggest price. I feel bad for that child but my main concern is my own kids emotional well being.

I divorced him after 2 years of trying to deal with the situation. I couldn’t. For me, it was the best decision. So many people are so quick to say what they would do in that situation and judgmental about the choice that was made. As you and I know, it is heartbreaking and devastating. Infidelity is crushing. Throw in a child and it makes the devastation 10 times worse.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

My friend's grandmother had all 6 of her kids by the same married man. This was back in the 50's. He lived with his wife and their set of kids on the other side of town.