My 14 yo daughter has been sexting
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Anonymous
I am so sorry if you are raising your child that way. We raised all our kids telling them how smart they are. We built a trustful relations when our kids were free to discuss with us anything that is going on in school, sport team and overall in their life. If your approach that the teen is stupid, they will shut you off. It is not teens who are crazy, it is their parents. |
Anonymous
I have a teenage girl and a tween. It is very atypical even in 2018. |
Anonymous
While all you recommend does work, it only works where it's your wifi, right? What about this girl using wifi at a friend's house, at a coffee shop, at school, anywhere? Using a device that her parents don't even know she has, or using someone else's device while with a friend? There can be zero privacy for anyone in the home using home wifi, but that doesn't mean OP can have any visibility into what her DD is doing on some phone OP didn't even know DD had and was using somewhere outside the home. Again, what you say is a good idea, but only covers a fraction of what the DD could be doing anywhere, anytime, on any wifi, from any device she can get her hands on. So OP should be doing what you suggest here, yes, but it's not enough. Not nearly, especially as OP's DD seems more than capable of finding ways to sext. To OP: The best post above is the one saying that it's time to get professional help immediately. You've seen the posts here but now I'd truly be getting your DD and your family help. Counseling or therapy, because she seems to feel some need to get acceptance or be cool or whatever the hell it is, through the sexting. She may only be trying to do what her friends are doing (and that means you will have to enforce ditching those friends --another huge and difficult thing, with a teen); or she may actually believe she's "in love" with the recipient. Whatever the cause, and despite those saying "this is normal!," (it is not; it does happen but it's not the norm no matter what others say), please reach out tomorrow morning for professional help. It will take time to get appointments. Meanwhile, you may need to make an action plan with your DH about what to take away; whether to remove everything from DD's room (is she hiding devices?); how to ensure she is only at school or with one of you at all times for a while, etc. I would ensure that DD is not on her own, at friends' houses hanging out, etc. If she has an activity she does, I'd be there the whole time if it's one where they can slip off and get on their phones. All this while you wait to get in to see a therapist or whatever it takes. In your shoes I also would tell the school counselors and with them, craft what you want them to tell all her teachers. All of them. Your DD is likely doing this at school, or if not, she may be doing it to impress friends at school; either way, the school needs to know what's going on. I know of a middle school where they called in students who were doing some inappropriate stuff on Instagram (not sexting, but still inappropriate) and told them that what they posted could be seen by others, even those they thought they'd blocked; images were getting passed around. That school was tough and proactive. Maybe a teacher your DD likes could tell her that if she does not stop instantly she is going to be seen (or read) by people she thinks can't see her now. I think the red flag that didn't get picked up on by most posts was that you say DD's first sexting was not with the local boy at another HS but with someone in Florida who appears to be a stranger. That is a sign she may have been in online chat rooms, on forums, maybe even FaceTiming with someone who is a stranger. She may have been exposed to a lot more online than you realize, and strangers may have more information about her and how to reach her than you know. She seems to be screaming for attention and validation and the PP who said, get this worked on now was right -- by the time she's 18, you can do nothing at all after that. And please tell the parents of the friend who let your DD have the old phone to use. I would want to know if my kid gave an old phone to a friend, even if my kid were just being nice, knew nothing about why the friend wanted it, and had zero sexting etc. going on herself. I'd want to know because I would need to talk to her about why she shouldn't give phones etc. to a friend, even if that friend tells a sob story about parents taking away her own phone. Please update us but ONLY when things calm down for your family, OP. |
Anonymous
+1. My parents raised me like I was crazy and illogical. It didn't do them any favors. I won't be raising my children like that! |
Anonymous
I disagree. Most likely the girl is misguided and extremely foolish. There's no need to pay someone thousands to try and find out why she's texting. It doesn't even matter why she's doing it. Teach her its wrong and how there can be terrible consequences. Tell her you love her and ask her what is bothering her. |
Anonymous
I hope that OP has informed her child what the punishment will be if someone else reports her though! Kids are so convinced of their anonymity online and that all these Snapchats just disappear. They truly, truly have no idea of the reality of digital presence and how things can be traced. She needs to know she can wind up in such a load of legal trouble even as a minor and you cant get her out of it. Bottom line, taking everything away is not getting to the root of the problem. You need to dig all the way down to the “why” and not just the “how.” You child has serious issues and BOTH parents need to be on the same page. |
Jesus Christ! I hope you haven't procreated.
Anonymous
I have a high school graduate, HSer and MSer. Around age 14 is exactly when those teens who were likely to be sexting started doing it. It might not be the norm in that most kids don't sext. But those that do are starting at age 14. OP, I'm sorry. I have no ideas or answers for you. It sounds like you've done what you could in terms of removing opportunities and education. Maybe a therapist? |
Anonymous
14 is the age when they begin to develop sexually. And it is parents responsibility to teach a child how to handle it properly and to point them into the right direction. They do have all those hormones boiling, and without proper direction, they will go anywhere and do anything to burn them. A lot of parents who failed to parent simply accept a deviant behavior and just say : all 14 y.o. doing it, when it is not true. |
Anonymous
| If it is another 14 year old that she knows, you use it as opportunity to discuss sex. If it is truly some rando that is or could be a 50 year old next door or 3 stars away you need to get to why she is doing it, why she is seaking sexual contact and/or validation with a random person. |
Anonymous
| OP - The first thing to do is to share fully with your husband what is going on with DD as she needs both parents on the same page. Together you will need to work to keep her safe and to figure out what has triggered this behavior. She does need a therapist and you and DH may need professional guidance in how to handle this, especially with two younger siblings in the house. |
Anonymous
Why does she need to stay in contact with you? How many times does she call you during the day? None of today's parents had phones to stay in touch with their parents when they were kids and we all made it into adulthood. |
Anonymous
In our house too. Our kid is using an old fashioned “dumb” flip phone with no camera for the moment due to internet rules violations. It embarrasses him, but when push comes to shove, it make phone calls. He can also email us from the schools computers As for sexting, have you tried a scared straight approach. News articles and such about girls who get their pictures posted on social media, forwarded to,the whole school, etc. it is never really gone. A future college or employer can find it. There have even been some suicides because of sexting pics going viral. I have taken the opportunity when these stories show up in the paper to print it for my daughter and say— this is why we have the rules. We don’t want this to be you. Not the bright, beautiful smart girl, but the girl whose boobs every kid in school has seen. These stories are everywhere. I would also talk to her about child porn laws. Maybe it is legal for her to possess pics of herself. But maybe not, depending on the jurisdiction. A nd or is kiddie porn to whomever she sends it to. That’s sex offender registry,for life. Time to make her aware of the consequences of this. And tell,your DH. Yes, it will break his heart. But you don’t keep stuff this serious from a co-parent. He needs to know. And he needs to be involved in solving it. |
Anonymous
What if? You can't have 100% control over someone's person. You can control what happens wirh your internet in your hime and in your mobile devices. |
Anonymous
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This stuff is not unusual. When I was a kid in the 90s, my friends and I messed around in AOL chat rooms. We had no idea who we were talking to, and luckily it never went past dumb kids messing around online.
Definitely explain to her the potential consequences, but also try to figure out if this is going beyond curiosity/exploring her sexuality. See if there's a deeper reason she feels she needs the validation from outside her family/friend group. This goes beyond having a phone, so taking the phone away isn't going to solve any underlying problems. |
Anonymous
OP said it herself on the first page. Reading is fun AND fundamental. |