Hours of alone time with grandma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, why in modern day, do people not value extended family? Why do you all want to live on an island with just your immediate family? Do you not want your kids to learn your family's history, your ancestors, family traditions? Do you want them to learn respect and love for their elders?
If you don't value this, they won't when they are adults.
You could end up a very lonely person in the nursing home, because your kids and grandkids are "too busy" to hang out with "controlling" grandma

Good God, this isn’t about that at all? Nowhere has OP said she doesn’t value this relationship. Get off your high horse! The topic at hand is grandma dictating access to her grandchild. If you allow your extended family to dictate how and when they see you or your children, great on you. But the majority of us don’t like to be TOLD when and how our own time should be spent. There are healthy boundaries in healthy families.

[Anonymous]

Break her in now. She isn't respecting you or your child and it will only get worse.

If she wants a pet, buy her a puppy.

She's not seeing straight about what a growing child with a full life actually needs during the school week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, why in modern day, do people not value extended family? Why do you all want to live on an island with just your immediate family? Do you not want your kids to learn your family's history, your ancestors, family traditions? Do you want them to learn respect and love for their elders?
If you don't value this, they won't when they are adults.
You could end up a very lonely person in the nursing home, because your kids and grandkids are "too busy" to hang out with "controlling" grandma

Good God, this isn’t about that at all? Nowhere has OP said she doesn’t value this relationship. Get off your high horse! The topic at hand is grandma dictating access to her grandchild. If you allow your extended family to dictate how and when they see you or your children, great on you. But the majority of us don’t like to be TOLD when and how our own time should be spent. There are healthy boundaries in healthy families.

Yup. My mom didn't respect my frail child's need for rest and would undermine his schooling so that she could have fun with him. That's the way a selfish person acts and not the way an elder acts who deserves respect.

[Anonymous]

This is not odd at all. Sometimes grandparents want one on one time - to develop a relationship with their grandkids on their own terms. She may not like you or your spouse and so doesn't really want to hang out with all of you - just her grandchild. Nothing wrong with it. I feel like you know she's not abusive or a child molestor - absent that, give grandma the kid. Geesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get this- do you not have a day every so often like 1 time per month or so that you guys don't want a break/ day off from parenting? Because that sounds pretty win-win to me.

What I don’t get is why the grandma needs to be alone all day? That’s really odd.

You don't get that the relationship is different when you are alone with your kids versus the mom or dad around? I don't see why the op can't give the mom a few hours once in a while. It will give the child a better and closer relationship with grandma. I wish my MIL and mom even wanted to spend time with my kids!

Grandma doesn't want a few hours. She wants a whole day. And refuses to see the granddaughter if she can't spend the whole day with her. Then complains about missing/not being able seeing granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

This is a generational / culture clash issues.

Our parents and grandparents didn't spend the same amount of time with their children as mothers and fathers do today. http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=93320

Grandma doesn't understand your life and priorities -- and she shouldn't have to.

I liked the suggestion of planning full 'grandma' days on all those random days off of school (parent-teacher conferences, professional development and the like).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not odd at all. Sometimes grandparents want one on one time - to develop a relationship with their grandkids on their own terms. She may not like you or your spouse and so doesn't really want to hang out with all of you - just her grandchild. Nothing wrong with it. I feel like you know she's not abusive or a child molestor - absent that, give grandma the kid. Geesh!

If this is the case, then grandma can get lost!

You don’t get to not like me and expect me to accommodate your every desire. Until my child is 18, we are a package deal, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not odd at all. Sometimes grandparents want one on one time - to develop a relationship with their grandkids on their own terms. She may not like you or your spouse and so doesn't really want to hang out with all of you - just her grandchild. Nothing wrong with it. I feel like you know she's not abusive or a child molestor - absent that, give grandma the kid. Geesh!

If this is the case, then grandma can get lost!

You don’t get to not like me and expect me to accommodate your every desire. Until my child is 18, we are a package deal, sorry.

+1. Why would anyone want their child to have a close relationship with someone who feels that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, her demand for all or nothing is bizarre. When you ask her why she only wants to be alone with dad for hours and hours, what does she say?

+1. This actually seems to be kind of common IME but it creeps me out. Why alone and for so long? What are you planning to do, that you can't do around me?

One of my DDs grandmothers is obsessed with having DD spend the night, something I wouldn't have a problem with except grandmother has been campaigning nonstop for this since DD was an infant. The insistence sets off alarm bells.

+1. My ILs demonstrate neither the stamina nor the consideration to care for a small child (refuse to put away glass knick-knacks at toddler level, don't make/serve reasonable food, sleep in until noon daily, have 2 quasi-feral cats, think it's a grand idea to take children for helmet-free, unsecured rides on their ATV), yet nag us constantly about why we won't leave the 2-year-old with them for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like OP is withholding her daughter out of some sort of power struggle. The child is in school during the day, but the grandma won't take her on week nights because she wants the entire day. So should OP be pulling her kid out of school to placate grandma? My oldest is only 5 but our weekends are always booked up with birthday parties, sports, and various other get togethers and commitments. Sure we could send him to grandma's for a few hours here and here, but I wouldn't have him skip soccer practice or anbiethsay party because grandma isn't content with 3 hours of alone time.

OP, can you explain to her that your family schedule doesn't allow for DD to spend the whole day with grandma? Maybe if you make it clear she should be open to week nights she will take you up on it? I would absolutely not rearrange your schedule to fulfill this weird requirement though.

I agree that OP doesn't seem to be engaging in a power struggle and that weekends can get busy, especially as kids enter the elementary school years. However, I would accommodate when school is out on break etc because around those times, the other activities die down briefly as well. I think as long as Grandma can get a couple all day visits (whatever works best when school is out of session and the nuclear family isn't vacationing etc) then limiting the other visits in the calendar year is more than fair.

As someone very close to my grandparents, I can say that the times I remember most and felt bonded to them most was days when it was just us, and my parents weren't around. It's a unique relationship that forms in that freedom away from the parents, it's a gift to the child to have that relationship, and I understand the perspective of a grandparent who wants to nurture that. I also agree that there has to be a balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why you ppl are complaining about free babysitters. Drop the kid off and come back in 2-3 days. Wow.

OP would have to forsake all the drama then... That cannot be.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is it that you do each weekend all weekend? I'm simply curious. I have a child in PK, tons of activities during the week, but our weekends are mostly free. There is an occasional party for kids or gathering for adults, but not nearly every weekend. Most weekends I have to get creative to come with stuff to do to get everyone out of the house for some exercise or cultural enrichment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, her demand for all or nothing is bizarre. When you ask her why she only wants to be alone with dad for hours and hours, what does she say?

OH please, there is nothing, bizarre, wrong, or creepy about a grandmother wanting to have a special day alone with her granddaughter.
Some of you people really need help!

NP. Anyone who insists so strongly on having alone time with any minor child is certainly setting off alarm bells, imo.

I'll admit my own bias here- I was sexually abused by my own father and "alone time" with him was something I started trying to avoid since I was 8 - but something about the situation OP described just seems strange and uncomfortable to me.

[Anonymous]

I prefer to keep my grandkids overnight, without their parents. The parents are a constant interference. I'm actually as strict, if not stricter about screen time, etc. My grandkids love to come to my house. Parents push for outings. The children actually prefer not to go out. We have a zip line, a pond, tree house and many interesting toys, games and trains but mainly they seem to crave one-on-one attention from an adult who loves them absolutely. Their current favorite activity is playing store or restaurant with my hand puppets as their customers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer to keep my grandkids overnight, without their parents. The parents are a constant interference. I'm actually as strict, if not stricter about screen time, etc. My grandkids love to come to my house. Parents push for outings. The children actually prefer not to go out. We have a zip line, a pond, tree house and many interesting toys, games and trains but mainly they seem to crave one-on-one attention from an adult who loves them absolutely. Their current favorite activity is playing store or restaurant with my hand puppets as their customers.

That sounds nice but would you refuse to see your grandkids if it wasn't an overnight or all day visit? That's what the OP's dealing with. The absolute refusal to spend time with the kids for a shorter period and/or with the parents along is just plain bizarre. I wouldn't be inclined to accommodate the all-day demands if that was the only way the grandparents were willing to see my kids. I agree with the PP that this would make me really concerned about what it is the grandparents want to do with that time.