Husband wants to take a huge paycut to join a startup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He well earned that shot. Let him or he will regret it.
Even if it fails, that's life. With your assets you don't have to live in fear. I guess as a SAHM you don't feel powerful enough to dig yourself out of a hole. Maybe work on that.

What does this mean? Not being snarky, I just honestly don't know what you're saying here.

NP. It probably means the for OP the man was her plan, and she has no means to support herself by her own admission.

And honestly a man like this who makes half a million and saved up millions and still isn't satisfied may have ambitions for improvements outside of his career, not sure if OP is worried about their marriage too. Hence be supportive and weather this phase, OP seems vulnerable

OP here. No I am not worried about my marriage. We have always seen ourselves as a partnership and that the money he makes is "our" money. He is asking me if he should do this, he's not telling me. I don't think it's fair to paint me as a leech. I've made sacrifices too. He went back to work two days after I had each of our babies and I didn't say anything. He frequently goes on last minute business trips and I don't say anything. It's not like I've been on easy street all these years. I've been home with three little kids.

Never meant to paint you as a leech. But your financial plan is solely your DH.

For most working parents DH has to go back to work a couple days after having kids too; it's actually much worse to leave you 6 week old crying infant with some sub daycare worker you just met, so please shut the F up about sacrifice in your paid off McMansion and MILLIONS in assets.

FFS, you are the living defintion of EASY STREET.

But your DH wanderlust for better pastures does seem to be jeopardizing that, hopefully just professionally.

I am curious how you consider yourself partners when he has been crafting this secret plan (paid off mortgage, huge growth stifling cash savings) and not discussing with you years ago.

Op here. It's not a "secret" plan. I knew he had this in the back of his mind. He's been approached by other startups but they could afford to offer to pay a salary so I said no and he agreed. And they were just never the right people. He feels different about this this one though. I suspect that if he doesn't do it he'll have major FOMO.

Not secret but in your OP: Unbeknownst to me, this is why we have so much cash.

And not secret but about mortgage: we don't have one (he paid it off a few years ago, I guess this was part of his plan too) but...

He seems to be keeping you in the dark but making big decisions.

And pouring Wealth into mortgage (with crazy low interest rates that are tax deductible) and keeping money in low yield cash accounts for years, he has likely given up $500k-$1M in investment growth (freed up cash from mortgages payoff and growth from CASH only accounts) to set himself up for this opportunity. And you were never consulted?

[Anonymous]

I think you guys are good, and I would definitely support DH in doing this. With no mortgage and $100K/year, you should be able to live with no major lifestyle changes and without significantly depleting your savings. Unless you live really, really extravagantly, which it doesn't sound like.

Unrelated, and I don't expect OP to answer, but is anyone else dying to know what she did to burn bridges in an entire field?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys are good, and I would definitely support DH in doing this. With no mortgage and $100K/year, you should be able to live with no major lifestyle changes and without significantly depleting your savings. Unless you live really, really extravagantly, which it doesn't sound like.

Unrelated, and I don't expect OP to answer, but is anyone else dying to know what she did to burn bridges in an entire field?

I was sexually harassed by my boss, everyone knew and said they sided with me but no one stood up for me, and I lost control and made a scene when he fired me. I threatened to sue and went to see a lawyer but then I chickened out. I didn't want to go through the whole thing. I hope he burns in hell though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I thought we were saving up for a "rainy day" so to speak. He has talked about this but I never thought it would seriously happen. I always assumed it was a pipe dream. He really likes his job, the hours are really good, the people are nice. We have a good thing going. Why rock the boat on the off chance that you might make 10M in a buyout, kwim? We don't need a 10M payout. We live fine as it is.

Startup person here. Two reasons:

1. It's fun. Not the money, but startups are wild and crazy and also a great experience. I was in one during the dot-com days, and learned a huge amount because I had to do so many different things every day. At one point, my paper worth was $10mln but it was $0 by the time I left (dot-com crash), which is fine. Then I took that know-how and started another startup, and we're multi-millionaires now.

2. The $10m payout, along with your existing savings, is enough that he can retire forever. That's not a bad way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys are good, and I would definitely support DH in doing this. With no mortgage and $100K/year, you should be able to live with no major lifestyle changes and without significantly depleting your savings. Unless you live really, really extravagantly, which it doesn't sound like.

Unrelated, and I don't expect OP to answer, but is anyone else dying to know what she did to burn bridges in an entire field?

I was sexually harassed by my boss, everyone knew and said they sided with me but no one stood up for me, and I lost control and made a scene when he fired me. I threatened to sue and went to see a lawyer but then I chickened out. I didn't want to go through the whole thing. I hope he burns in hell though.

^ basically I'd have to ask my supervisor for a reference and I'd rather eat shit before doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He well earned that shot. Let him or he will regret it.
Even if it fails, that's life. With your assets you don't have to live in fear. I guess as a SAHM you don't feel powerful enough to dig yourself out of a hole. Maybe work on that.

What does this mean? Not being snarky, I just honestly don't know what you're saying here.

NP. It probably means the for OP the man was her plan, and she has no means to support herself by her own admission.

And honestly a man like this who makes half a million and saved up millions and still isn't satisfied may have ambitions for improvements outside of his career, not sure if OP is worried about their marriage too. Hence be supportive and weather this phase, OP seems vulnerable

OP here. No I am not worried about my marriage. We have always seen ourselves as a partnership and that the money he makes is "our" money. He is asking me if he should do this, he's not telling me. I don't think it's fair to paint me as a leech. I've made sacrifices too. He went back to work two days after I had each of our babies and I didn't say anything. He frequently goes on last minute business trips and I don't say anything. It's not like I've been on easy street all these years. I've been home with three little kids.

Never meant to paint you as a leech. But your financial plan is solely your DH.

For most working parents DH has to go back to work a couple days after having kids too; it's actually much worse to leave you 6 week old crying infant with some sub daycare worker you just met, so please shut the F up about sacrifice in your paid off McMansion and MILLIONS in assets.

FFS, you are the living defintion of EASY STREET.

But your DH wanderlust for better pastures does seem to be jeopardizing that, hopefully just professionally.

I am curious how you consider yourself partners when he has been crafting this secret plan (paid off mortgage, huge growth stifling cash savings) and not discussing with you years ago.

Op here. It's not a "secret" plan. I knew he had this in the back of his mind. He's been approached by other startups but they could afford to offer to pay a salary so I said no and he agreed. And they were just never the right people. He feels different about this this one though. I suspect that if he doesn't do it he'll have major FOMO.

Not secret but in your OP: Unbeknownst to me, this is why we have so much cash.

I thought we were saving up for a "rainy day" so to speak. He has talked about this but I never thought it would seriously happen. I always assumed it was a pipe dream. He really likes his job, the hours are really good, the people are nice. We have a good thing going. Why rock the boat on the off chance that you might make 10M in a buyout, kwim? We don't need a 10M payout. We live fine as it is.

Why were you trying to paint your situation as difficult and sacrifice and he travels Willy nilly, but now say it is a good thing going?

Are you somewhat mercurial? You said you burned bridges in prior career, your DH is avoiding discussing major plans with you, and you switch your story here (secret no it's a partnership, sacrifice l then a good thing) and your career options are to be a waitress??

I would really work on setting an even keel, and support your DH through this and make life easy as possible. Work life at startup will be all stress so don't add to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys are good, and I would definitely support DH in doing this. With no mortgage and $100K/year, you should be able to live with no major lifestyle changes and without significantly depleting your savings. Unless you live really, really extravagantly, which it doesn't sound like.

Unrelated, and I don't expect OP to answer, but is anyone else dying to know what she did to burn bridges in an entire field?

I was sexually harassed by my boss, everyone knew and said they sided with me but no one stood up for me, and I lost control and made a scene when he fired me. I threatened to sue and went to see a lawyer but then I chickened out. I didn't want to go through the whole thing. I hope he burns in hell though.

Sorry you went through that. Have you been through counseling it's sounds very traumatic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you guys are good, and I would definitely support DH in doing this. With no mortgage and $100K/year, you should be able to live with no major lifestyle changes and without significantly depleting your savings. Unless you live really, really extravagantly, which it doesn't sound like.

Unrelated, and I don't expect OP to answer, but is anyone else dying to know what she did to burn bridges in an entire field?

I was sexually harassed by my boss, everyone knew and said they sided with me but no one stood up for me, and I lost control and made a scene when he fired me. I threatened to sue and went to see a lawyer but then I chickened out. I didn't want to go through the whole thing. I hope he burns in hell though.

^ basically I'd have to ask my supervisor for a reference and I'd rather eat shit before doing that.

Sorry this happened to you. I wish your family all the best. Not sure if you can keep a guy from trying out a gig he has dreamt about for a long time.

[Anonymous]

You really aren't stuck at home with little kids if your kids are 4, 9, and some age in the middle. The 4 year old must go to preschool so you have every morning off. This is your husband's dream so be supportive. You have a really easy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He well earned that shot. Let him or he will regret it.
Even if it fails, that's life. With your assets you don't have to live in fear. I guess as a SAHM you don't feel powerful enough to dig yourself out of a hole. Maybe work on that.

What does this mean? Not being snarky, I just honestly don't know what you're saying here.

NP. It probably means the for OP the man was her plan, and she has no means to support herself by her own admission.

And honestly a man like this who makes half a million and saved up millions and still isn't satisfied may have ambitions for improvements outside of his career, not sure if OP is worried about their marriage too. Hence be supportive and weather this phase, OP seems vulnerable

OP here. No I am not worried about my marriage. We have always seen ourselves as a partnership and that the money he makes is "our" money. He is asking me if he should do this, he's not telling me. I don't think it's fair to paint me as a leech. I've made sacrifices too. He went back to work two days after I had each of our babies and I didn't say anything. He frequently goes on last minute business trips and I don't say anything. It's not like I've been on easy street all these years. I've been home with three little kids.

Never meant to paint you as a leech. But your financial plan is solely your DH.

For most working parents DH has to go back to work a couple days after having kids too; it's actually much worse to leave you 6 week old crying infant with some sub daycare worker you just met, so please shut the F up about sacrifice in your paid off McMansion and MILLIONS in assets.

FFS, you are the living defintion of EASY STREET.

But your DH wanderlust for better pastures does seem to be jeopardizing that, hopefully just professionally.

I am curious how you consider yourself partners when he has been crafting this secret plan (paid off mortgage, huge growth stifling cash savings) and not discussing with you years ago.

Op here. It's not a "secret" plan. I knew he had this in the back of his mind. He's been approached by other startups but they could afford to offer to pay a salary so I said no and he agreed. And they were just never the right people. He feels different about this this one though. I suspect that if he doesn't do it he'll have major FOMO.

Not secret but in your OP: Unbeknownst to me, this is why we have so much cash.

I thought we were saving up for a "rainy day" so to speak. He has talked about this but I never thought it would seriously happen. I always assumed it was a pipe dream. He really likes his job, the hours are really good, the people are nice. We have a good thing going. Why rock the boat on the off chance that you might make 10M in a buyout, kwim? We don't need a 10M payout. We live fine as it is.

Why were you trying to paint your situation as difficult and sacrifice and he travels Willy nilly, but now say it is a good thing going?

Are you somewhat mercurial? You said you burned bridges in prior career, your DH is avoiding discussing major plans with you, and you switch your story here (secret no it's a partnership, sacrifice l then a good thing) and your career options are to be a waitress??

I would really work on setting an even keel, and support your DH through this and make life easy as possible. Work life at startup will be all stress so don't add to that.

The travel is the only thing that's hard because it's usually last minute. We go through periods where it's intense (like right now - Oct. and Nov. are the worst) then go through months with no travel at all. They'll be none in Dec-Feb then it'll pick up in the spring again. Other than that he works ~ 50-60 hour weeks. We talked about the hours increasing and he said he's fine with that because it'll be his own thing, he'll be working for his own benefit. Plus he'll be able to work from home a lot more.

Sorry if I seem like an unreliable narrator. It bothers me when people try to paint SAHMs as leeches on these boards.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds as if you and your DH have a very nice life. And I completely understand your uneasiness about making such a big change.

But I also completely understand your DH's thinking. And if he doesn't take this opportunity, he will always wonder "what if" and may wind up chasing worse opportunities to compensate.

What you should do is work on a budget. What you spend now, and what you expect to spend over the next three years. It's likely that camps and activities will increase in cost over that time. Include health insurance, if you know what that will look like with the startup.

Then map out the big picture - 529s, retirement, big trips, house remodels, etc. With all the money you have already saved, you are likely just fine in all those categories.

Once you have those numbers, then sit down with your DH to make sure you are on the same page. Without seeing actual numbers, it appears that you will be very worried and DH is not seeing the reality. The numbers should help clarify everything, and also set the stage for when DH might need a Plan B.

Good luck! Startups are very sexy, even though a good number fail, so it's hard to resist their allure. Having a plan will help make it easier on both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is currently in retirement? In 529's? Maybe you would feel better if you guys sat down with a fee-based financial planner who could show you how much of that money you need for college, and just how really safe you are now. I don't think your concerns are coming from a realistic view of your financial situation.

That's a good idea -- OP doesn't seem to have a good concept of financial planning. They have a huge nest egg, and that will definitely tide them over.

As I see it, it's not about financial planning. It's a fear. Numbers help a bit, but not much. OP's husband has a plan A (start-up) and a plan B (find a new job if fails). I think plan C and plan D are necessary, spending plan is necessary. I understand the fear completely and no financial planner can say anything to alleviate it, as they will be giving me the high probability scenarios while I would be focusing on the very low probability one (hyperinflation coupled with the market crash with sky high health costs).

[Anonymous]

antagonistic? Does anyone have a good explanation for that? It seems like even threads that begin with OP asking for advice turns into a chorus of antagonizers mocking and insulting the OP? It's not everyone, but a very vocal group seems follow this pattern in every single thread.

[Anonymous]

Honey, a man is not a plan. I'm sorry that such a terrible thing happened to you but you can't just stick your head in the sand and never work again. You have to get back on that horse.

[Anonymous]

PP, part of my post got cut off. Meant to say:

Why does every thread on this forum turn so antagonistic? Does anyone have a good explanation for that? It seems like even threads that begin with OP asking for advice turns into a chorus of antagonizers mocking and insulting the OP? It's not everyone, but a very vocal group seems follow this pattern in every single thread.[/