Silly things I worried about: infertility edition

[Anonymous]

The title of the thread is "silly things I worried about." That's where the PP is getting the impression that you're calling concerns about IVF being hard "silly."

I'm neither of the PPs, but I will say that I think the PP who is trying to convey that IVF was much easier for her than she anticipated has a valuable message. Where it goes off the rails is when she fails to recognize that even though she had a very easy experience with IVF, some women don't. Telling a woman who is currently having a hard time with IVF that it's easy peasy is a sure-fire way to make people angry, even if your intentions were good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of the thread is "silly things I worried about." That's where the PP is getting the impression that you're calling concerns about IVF being hard "silly."

I'm neither of the PPs, but I will say that I think the PP who is trying to convey that IVF was much easier for her than she anticipated has a valuable message. Where it goes off the rails is when she fails to recognize that even though she had a very easy experience with IVF, some women don't. Telling a woman who is currently having a hard time with IVF that it's easy peasy is a sure-fire way to make people angry, even if your intentions were good.

But when did I do this?!? I never did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of the thread is "silly things I worried about." That's where the PP is getting the impression that you're calling concerns about IVF being hard "silly."

I'm neither of the PPs, but I will say that I think the PP who is trying to convey that IVF was much easier for her than she anticipated has a valuable message. Where it goes off the rails is when she fails to recognize that even though she had a very easy experience with IVF, some women don't. Telling a woman who is currently having a hard time with IVF that it's easy peasy is a sure-fire way to make people angry, even if your intentions were good.

Then the angry poster should have an issue with the title and not my posts. Because I never said anything was silly. I simply shared that I didn't find IVF to be a big deal and I'm so glad I got over my fears and did it.

Fwiw, I wouldn't say that IVF was very easy at the time. It was stressful and I was concerned about how the meds might make me feel. But now I barely even remember it and nothing from that cycle was so bad. To share a little more - I did a fresh cycle that had to be canceled because of overstimulation. We followed a few months later with a frozen transfer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of the thread is "silly things I worried about." That's where the PP is getting the impression that you're calling concerns about IVF being hard "silly."

I'm neither of the PPs, but I will say that I think the PP who is trying to convey that IVF was much easier for her than she anticipated has a valuable message. Where it goes off the rails is when she fails to recognize that even though she had a very easy experience with IVF, some women don't. Telling a woman who is currently having a hard time with IVF that it's easy peasy is a sure-fire way to make people angry, even if your intentions were good.

Seems like the PP should have an issue with the title of the thread. Because based on what she has said I have a feeling she would find an issue with anything someone who did IVF found "silly."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the PPs are talking past each other. I did 6 rounds of IVF. The actual IVF procedure was largely no big deal (although started feeling like a bigger deal towards the end -- but certainly the first cycle was no big deal). All the failures, though, were heartbreaking.

So, yeah, it does kind of irk me when someone who gets a baby from ONE round of IVF says IVF was no big deal. But I can see how that perspective is helpful to people who are new to the process and fearful of an IVF cycle.

This was my point. Besides all women should take it one cycle at a time and one day at a time. Also it seems like the women who are fearful are fearful of even just one cycle. They are terrified of the meds or the side effects or who knows what. My point is that I didn't find one cycle of IVF a big deal at all and I wouldn't let it keep you from possibly having a child.

Yes. We ALL know this is how you feel. You have repeated it ad nauseam on thread after thread. And when other people point out that those women who have reservations about the meds or the process have a right to those legitimate feelings, you shame or bully us and them. Telling people they're just being whiners and to just get over it is pretty crap advice.

Telling other people what they can post is even crappier.

No one is telling her what she can post. They're telling her she's rude.

I'm not her, and it certainly seems there are one or two posters here that cluck about every post that they don't deem sufficiently empathetic. Perhaps you might be happier in life generally if you stop playing the victim. Or perhaps you should stop reading this board if you are so easily offended.

I've had three miscarriages and I remember how heart breaking each one was, so please, don't tell me how I couldn't possibly understand your pain. Everyone posting here has had their own heartaches.

No one, including me, every said you couldn't possibly understand. They're saying that her statements completely dismissing other people's legitimate concerns as being "silly things" is absolutely ridiculous, not supportive, and only makes people feel crummy.

She thinks she is motivating people to do something, but she's only alienating people -- and on a forum for people who ALREADY feel alone and kind of alienated by virtue of dealing with infertility.

She's almost as bad as the people who say, "oh, just adopt! it's no big deal." Nothing about infertility is no big deal to people who are going through it. She has a baby now and seems to have forgotten that feeling because now she is chalking it up to "silly things."

It's one thing to say, "I didn't find IVF cycles difficult at all. I didn't find the meds difficult." in an effort to let others considering it know that at least your experience is encouraging. It's a completely different thing to tell a group of people who get nonstop advice from everyone about what to do and what not to do to have a baby that their concerns are silly, that their decisions regarding their medical care of "not legitimate." It's obnoxious. It's arrogance at the highest level.

More than one poster has told her that, has mentioned people who didn't find it "no big deal," and yet she persists and gets even more obnoxious with every post.

But, yes, you are right. I should stop visiting this forum. It's not supportive.

There was nothing obnoxious on her post. And if you don't want to hear from people who had success, probably would be best to avoid a lessons learned thread.


Honestly, I don't understand your anger. If you don't want IVF, don't get it. That doesn't mean no one else gets to benefit from ivf or to talk about it. Everybody gets to make their own choices. That doesn't give you license to attack those who make different choices. I am really sorry for your struggles, I hope you have a real life outlet to deal with the considerable anger you have expressed here.

+1. I hope the PP can find peace. You seem incredibly angry and this can't help the situation. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with IVF and that it didn't work, but it does work for millions of women. There are millions of IVF babies out there. I feel like this amount of anger does a disservice to women who already have anxiety about starting IVF and need encouragement. No, IVF doesn't work for everyone but it works for many.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think the PPs are talking past each other. I did 6 rounds of IVF. The actual IVF procedure was largely no big deal (although started feeling like a bigger deal towards the end -- but certainly the first cycle was no big deal). All the failures, though, were heartbreaking.

So, yeah, it does kind of irk me when someone who gets a baby from ONE round of IVF says IVF was no big deal. But I can see how that perspective is helpful to people who are new to the process and fearful of an IVF cycle.

This was my point. Besides all women should take it one cycle at a time and one day at a time. Also it seems like the women who are fearful are fearful of even just one cycle. They are terrified of the meds or the side effects or who knows what. My point is that I didn't find one cycle of IVF a big deal at all and I wouldn't let it keep you from possibly having a child.

Yes. We ALL know this is how you feel. You have repeated it ad nauseam on thread after thread. And when other people point out that those women who have reservations about the meds or the process have a right to those legitimate feelings, you shame or bully us and them. Telling people they're just being whiners and to just get over it is pretty crap advice.

Telling other people what they can post is even crappier.

No one is telling her what she can post. They're telling her she's rude.

I'm not her, and it certainly seems there are one or two posters here that cluck about every post that they don't deem sufficiently empathetic. Perhaps you might be happier in life generally if you stop playing the victim. Or perhaps you should stop reading this board if you are so easily offended.

I've had three miscarriages and I remember how heart breaking each one was, so please, don't tell me how I couldn't possibly understand your pain. Everyone posting here has had their own heartaches.

No one, including me, every said you couldn't possibly understand. They're saying that her statements completely dismissing other people's legitimate concerns as being "silly things" is absolutely ridiculous, not supportive, and only makes people feel crummy.

She thinks she is motivating people to do something, but she's only alienating people -- and on a forum for people who ALREADY feel alone and kind of alienated by virtue of dealing with infertility.

She's almost as bad as the people who say, "oh, just adopt! it's no big deal." Nothing about infertility is no big deal to people who are going through it. She has a baby now and seems to have forgotten that feeling because now she is chalking it up to "silly things."

It's one thing to say, "I didn't find IVF cycles difficult at all. I didn't find the meds difficult." in an effort to let others considering it know that at least your experience is encouraging. It's a completely different thing to tell a group of people who get nonstop advice from everyone about what to do and what not to do to have a baby that their concerns are silly, that their decisions regarding their medical care of "not legitimate." It's obnoxious. It's arrogance at the highest level.

More than one poster has told her that, has mentioned people who didn't find it "no big deal," and yet she persists and gets even more obnoxious with every post.

But, yes, you are right. I should stop visiting this forum. It's not supportive.

There was nothing obnoxious on her post. And if you don't want to hear from people who had success, probably would be best to avoid a lessons learned thread.


Honestly, I don't understand your anger. If you don't want IVF, don't get it. That doesn't mean no one else gets to benefit from ivf or to talk about it. Everybody gets to make their own choices. That doesn't give you license to attack those who make different choices. I am really sorry for your struggles, I hope you have a real life outlet to deal with the considerable anger you have expressed here.

+1. I hope the PP can find peace. You seem incredibly angry and this can't help the situation. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with IVF and that it didn't work, but it does work for millions of women. There are millions of IVF babies out there. I feel like this amount of anger does a disservice to women who already have anxiety about starting IVF and need encouragement. No, IVF doesn't work for everyone but it works for many.

Agree with both immediate PPs and would also add that some healthy perspective on the process is helpful. In the midst of IVF I virtually thought of nothing else but my cycle, my follicles, my shots, my monitoring, my acupuncture, my diet, were there enough follicles? Were they big enough? It was all consuming. Some of that's normal, yes, but in retrospect I wish someone had gently pointed out that none of those things that cause me soooo much anxiety actually helped my chances of getting pregnant. Sure, eating well and getting enough sleep - that's important. But the rest of the complete obsessiveness caused a lot of anxiety for me and my husband - it was not helpful. So I could have used a thread like this to tell me, hey, take a breath, you're doing the best you can. I had failed IUIs and failed IVFs before I got pregnant and will say that the cycle that worked was the cycle where I had thew fewest follicles, the fewest mature eggs, and the blast quality was the lowest. Oh, and I forgot to eat my pineapple core. That was the cycle that worked.

[Anonymous]

I don't necessarily think it's "silly" but I worried more than I needed to about how people would react to the information that we had our kids through donor eggs.

I worried about how I would tell, how people would react, whether anyone would criticize or judge, etc... and we were met with nothing but supportiveness.

[Anonymous]

None of my worries during cycles was "silly."

IVF is so precise, each step is so important, and there is so much money and time and hope on the line, that it's entirely sensible for patients to feel worried.

That's not to say that feeling worried is helpful or productive, because it's not. But feeling worried is the natural byproduct of a strenuous, high stakes process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of my worries during cycles was "silly."

IVF is so precise, each step is so important, and there is so much money and time and hope on the line, that it's entirely sensible for patients to feel worried.

That's not to say that feeling worried is helpful or productive, because it's not. But feeling worried is the natural byproduct of a strenuous, high stakes process.

So much of this. When you're forking over thousands of dollars - not to mention the physical and emotional toll it takes on you and your partner - it's nearly impossible to not fret over what might seem like insignificant things. It's easy to be on the other side and muse over what was good vs what wasn't good for you, but that's just it - that was your experience. Everyone is different, everyone's body responds differently. Some are lucky to have success earlier on, some later, and some never.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I never meant the word silly to be taken so seriously. I just needed a quick title to convey what in retrospect was made into a much bigger deal than looking back it really was. That is not to say the pain and heartache isn't real. That the journey is isn't long and arduous.

But, for me, there were steps along the way that my mind made more difficult. And if I just had known what I know now, I could've made things a little easier for myself. That does not mean I'm dismissing other women's feelings if they don't have the same experience as me. Just as I would hope they don't dismiss mine because I found certain steps not as difficult as I expected.

And I think it's a sad state of affairs where we can't share our stories and our experiences just because there might be someone out there who didn't have our experience and is now in pain over what they are experiencing. I'm sorry for the women who went through ART and didn't end up with a baby. Your story is valid and should be heard. But don't tell me not to share my story of success after 5 IUI, 2.5 OE IVF (one canceled), MC, 2 DE IVF and a stillbirth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never meant the word silly to be taken so seriously. I just needed a quick title to convey what in retrospect was made into a much bigger deal than looking back it really was. That is not to say the pain and heartache isn't real. That the journey is isn't long and arduous.

But, for me, there were steps along the way that my mind made more difficult. And if I just had known what I know now, I could've made things a little easier for myself. That does not mean I'm dismissing other women's feelings if they don't have the same experience as me. Just as I would hope they don't dismiss mine because I found certain steps not as difficult as I expected.

And I think it's a sad state of affairs where we can't share our stories and our experiences just because there might be someone out there who didn't have our experience and is now in pain over what they are experiencing. I'm sorry for the women who went through ART and didn't end up with a baby. Your story is valid and should be heard. But don't tell me not to share my story of success after 5 IUI, 2.5 OE IVF (one canceled), MC, 2 DE IVF and a stillbirth.

ALL OF THIS!! Seriously, I am so happy when fellow infertile couples have success! Is the person upset about this thread the same one who rained on the recent IUI success post as well? If you can't be happy for someone who is going through the same pain of being infertile and found success/resolution, you need to take a serious look at yourself. I would not wish infertility on anyone and I am so relieved and joyful to hear when their is resolution be in through IVF, adoption, fostering, or the decision to be child-free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never meant the word silly to be taken so seriously. I just needed a quick title to convey what in retrospect was made into a much bigger deal than looking back it really was. That is not to say the pain and heartache isn't real. That the journey is isn't long and arduous.

But, for me, there were steps along the way that my mind made more difficult. And if I just had known what I know now, I could've made things a little easier for myself. That does not mean I'm dismissing other women's feelings if they don't have the same experience as me. Just as I would hope they don't dismiss mine because I found certain steps not as difficult as I expected.

And I think it's a sad state of affairs where we can't share our stories and our experiences just because there might be someone out there who didn't have our experience and is now in pain over what they are experiencing. I'm sorry for the women who went through ART and didn't end up with a baby. Your story is valid and should be heard. But don't tell me not to share my story of success after 5 IUI, 2.5 OE IVF (one canceled), MC, 2 DE IVF and a stillbirth.

ALL OF THIS!! Seriously, I am so happy when fellow infertile couples have success! Is the person upset about this thread the same one who rained on the recent IUI success post as well? If you can't be happy for someone who is going through the same pain of being infertile and found success/resolution, you need to take a serious look at yourself. I would not wish infertility on anyone and I am so relieved and joyful to hear when their is resolution be in through IVF, adoption, fostering, or the decision to be child-free.

I'm an NP, but have been following this thread. +2 to all of the above. I realize I am very fortunate to have found success with IF treatment quickly compared to others (3 years, 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 FET). I dragged my feet on starting IVF because I had so much "fear of the unknown", and it was some tough love on this board and others that got me through it. When I was in the thick of treatment, I wanted to read everything I could regarding people's experiences, whether those experiences ended in BFP/successful pregnancy, or adoption, or the decision to live child-free. The more knowledge I gained, and the more stories I read (both positive and negative), the less alone I felt throughout the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never meant the word silly to be taken so seriously. I just needed a quick title to convey what in retrospect was made into a much bigger deal than looking back it really was. That is not to say the pain and heartache isn't real. That the journey is isn't long and arduous.

But, for me, there were steps along the way that my mind made more difficult. And if I just had known what I know now, I could've made things a little easier for myself. That does not mean I'm dismissing other women's feelings if they don't have the same experience as me. Just as I would hope they don't dismiss mine because I found certain steps not as difficult as I expected.

And I think it's a sad state of affairs where we can't share our stories and our experiences just because there might be someone out there who didn't have our experience and is now in pain over what they are experiencing. I'm sorry for the women who went through ART and didn't end up with a baby. Your story is valid and should be heard. But don't tell me not to share my story of success after 5 IUI, 2.5 OE IVF (one canceled), MC, 2 DE IVF and a stillbirth.

My problem was never with you sharing your experience. It was when you specifically said that other people's concerns were not legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really wasn't that bad and I find pregnancy to be much more challenging.

So happy to hear these lovely stories - this highlighted section caught my eye. DH and I used to talk about how he just wanted to get the babies born so he could stop worrying (I had multiple high risks with all three but no actual complications). We went through the exhausted days and years of infancy and toddlerhood. But, dear fellow moms, your REALLY fun days are when you have a 12yo DD. I need to ask this same question about tweens/teens of moms to older kids. Enjoy the stage you are in (even pregnancy!), at all phases of babyhood, childhood and (gulp) adolescence - the stage coming up is harder and will make where you are now seem to be a cakewalk!

Hugs, mom to DD/12, DD/10, DS/8 (and I'm 52)

What a negative thing to say. I know you're trying to tell people to enjoy the moment, but the whole finger-wagging, you don't know how much worse it's going to get, is plain lame. YOU find older kids more challenging. Not everyone does.

Seriously. Must be someone who didn't go through all the losses etc that I did... nothing along my children's journey has matched having a late term stillbirth and/or the failed fertility attempts. I am so blessed now I know. But just try to keep it all in perspective and don't graft your experiences onto others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I never meant the word silly to be taken so seriously. I just needed a quick title to convey what in retrospect was made into a much bigger deal than looking back it really was. That is not to say the pain and heartache isn't real. That the journey is isn't long and arduous.

But, for me, there were steps along the way that my mind made more difficult. And if I just had known what I know now, I could've made things a little easier for myself. That does not mean I'm dismissing other women's feelings if they don't have the same experience as me. Just as I would hope they don't dismiss mine because I found certain steps not as difficult as I expected.

And I think it's a sad state of affairs where we can't share our stories and our experiences just because there might be someone out there who didn't have our experience and is now in pain over what they are experiencing. I'm sorry for the women who went through ART and didn't end up with a baby. Your story is valid and should be heard. But don't tell me not to share my story of success after 5 IUI, 2.5 OE IVF (one canceled), MC, 2 DE IVF and a stillbirth.

My problem was never with you sharing your experience. It was when you specifically said that other people's concerns were not legitimate.

No one said this. Really. No one did.