Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I was married for a long time to someone who had the appearance of being reliable. He was very serious, well educated, dedicated to his career, faithful, etc. Wasn't one to disappear and watch sports or go out with guy friends, etc. He seemed supportive of me.

However, he was really only supportive when it was easy for him--when he agreed with me totally. If I wanted something different than what he wanted, if he thought I was being emotional or unreasonable (which was any time he didn't agree with me), he was not supportive.

We had a high degree of compatibility and little disagreement. However, looking back, over the years really he got his way any time we had a disagreement. No flexibility. I thought my turn would come.

We waited years to have children and when we did, Mr. Reliable was out to lunch as a parent and support person. It always "made more sense" for me to do things for the household and kids. He also resented on some level not being the kid anymore and getting all of my attention. It took having babies to see that my very serious husband was actually just a massive baby.

We're divorced. My advice to you is to look past "reliable" seeming and ask if he's there for you in the way you need and if he meets you halfway when he disagrees with you. Is he flexible? Or are his needs the only needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 25, and for a couple years, I've been dating a man who I should be excited to marry. He is very hardworking, good looking, smart, supports my goals, comforts me when I'm upset, a provider (he earns twice what I do), and I never question his faithfulness for a second. He is so kind and loving to me. He makes me a priority and treats me very well. But he is so reliable that there is almost no room for spontaneity - he has a strict daily schedule he won't break from, he doesn't drink, he's an extremely picky eater who doesn't eat entire food groups (including dessert), hates nightlife, very risk adverse, and doesn't really like people in general. As we get closer and closer to engagement, at night I keep myself awake thinking: "what are you doing?" and have a general sick to my stomach feeling about marriage whenever someone mentions it.

He has so many great, rare qualities that I appreciate but I can't shake this gut feeling. On the other hand, I don't want to break up with him. Every week I kick the can down the road, thinking I'll see how my time with him goes and break up with him if it feels right. When I'm with him, I love him and am happy. But as when we part, the gut feeling kicks in.

My head says he's a great guy and I should stay. My gut says break up. Does anyone have any experience with this irrational gut feeling about a relationship? Did you stay or leave, and how did it turn out?

He doesn't really like people? PASS! That sounds like you are shackling yourself to a ball and chain. You are 25, break up now before it's too late. You love him, it will hurt. He can be a good guy and still not be the right guy for you to marry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you take a time out also, as did a previous poster. Are you living together? Can you move out for a while?
My husband of over 30 years grew up with parents who never did anything together or with the children. His father ended up having a girlfriend for the last 20 years of his marriage. His late parents never once went on vacation.
Fast forward to today. My husband and I have not been on a vacation together in 25 years. I go everywhere by myself. And for the "going to bed" comments, my husband goes to bed promptly at 9 and I MUST be in bed, with the lights out. He says he cannot sleep if I am up in the house somewhere.
This situation would not work for a lot of people. But it has worked for us. I stay out late when I am away on vacation.

[Anonymous]

You can do better.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are 25. Do not let yourself feel that you have to make ANY definite decisions right now - including getting engaged.

"I'm not ready yet." is a great and fair and reasonable statement to make around engagements of getting married.

THen, you can think about what would help you be ready. Perhaps you talk/think about the kind of marriage and partnership (and co-parent if kids are something you want) you hope to have.

My list of must-haves would be (based on what I married for, and what I wish I had held out for in a life partner):
- someone who makes me laugh
- someone with an inherently positive outlook on life
- someone with emotional resilience
- a sense of fun and occasional spontaneity
- unfailing honesty and strength of character
- shared morals/ethics
- financially responsible and a harmonious approach to managing finances
- desire to be a parent
- supportive of my career and individual interests including after having kids
- someone who can cook a couple of basic meals
- love of travel
- non smoker
- casual/social drinker only
- mentally and physically healthy
- strong friendships and relationships with others
- kindness
- no racist, homophobic, zenophobic beliefs
- likes dogs/animals
- loves to dance


etc.... Some of those are more important that others. Some are non-negotiables/must haves.

Do that kind of thinking for yourself. Talk openly with your SO about those things and find out what his equivalents are. Talk about where you see challenges and where you naturally align. Talk and test the challenge areas.

Get some of the relationship tests/compatibility tests/critical questions to ask materials to work through.

Put the time in together if you really think engagement is in your future. That will help you figure it out either way (and also really help you think about what you want for your life - no matter who your partner is or isn't.)

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Go all those what do you bring to the table pp......