Is this an unreasonable ask for a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

[Anonymous]

It is insane to think that $300/week is unreasonable to spend as a SAHM, including groceries. $100/week is very low for groceries.

If one parent is staying home, what did you and you DH think you were agreeing to?

Generally, the decision to stay home is not a one sided decision and the family unit needs to move forward based on a sane division of labor and financial freedom.

All this discussion of "his money his decisions" is a recipe for divorce. People who think like that should not have a parent stay home and they should not give advice to people that make different family choices, because it is toxic to a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

I have a question for this person who said "It's his money, he earned it." What is your level of education and income? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

Except she doesn't want to take care of the household and kid: she wants $300 per week for a babysitter and maid. So he is working, and she is using his income to outsource her "work" while she has "me time". That would make me pretty resentful too.

[Anonymous]

$300 per week is 15 percent of the gross HHI. Once you take taxes and other deductions out, it's probably 20 percent of the take home.

That's quite a bit of pocket money. OP's DH may not be opposed to her having some money, but may be concerned about the amount vis-a-vis their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

Except she doesn't want to take care of the household and kid: she wants $300 per week for a babysitter and maid. So he is working, and she is using his income to outsource her "work" while she has "me time". That would make me pretty resentful too.

Her husband doesn't help clean and doesn't watch the kid when he's home, to give her some me time. He just takes his off-work hours as his own me time. If he isn't going to man up and do his share, he absolutely should give her cash to have four hours a WEEK to herself. The additional cash is compensating for his failure as a partner.

[Anonymous]

Your family income is only $100K per year, and you want $100 a week for a house cleaner + babysitter ($5,200 a year). That seems like a little much when you gave up a salary of $100K to stay home with the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family income is only $100K per year, and you want $100 a week for a house cleaner + babysitter ($5,200 a year). That seems like a little much when you gave up a salary of $100K to stay home with the kid.

20% of income is quite a bit to pay for something you can do yourself. I know if I was in your husband's shoes, I would not be able to live with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once you stop working all money should be joint and you should not have to ask.

Whole lotta ridiculous "shoulds" in this post. OP, there are no rules with regards to marriage and finances. It's really something you need to sit down and discuss with your DH. You should be on the same page. Both about your work status and reasonable budget.

In my family, I'm a SAHM. What works best for us is my handling my own account rather than joint. That way I am not constantly "asking" for money. It includes household stuff (including a cleaner), kid's clothes and stuff, and discretionary. I'm not actually domestically inclined so DH and I split much of the chores. I stay at home because my DH and I feel it's important for our kids to spent lots of time at home, with their parents and siblings. His earning potential is higher so I'm the one staying at home (or will work part time once youngest is in school).

But again, you have to just communicate with your DH on what feels right. And you might have to make adjustments along the way....kids will eat more, babysitters will charge more, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.

You would hate me. I stay at home and have a regular housekeeper and a part time nanny who comes 20 hours/week. I like outsourcing and I treat these people well. Our coffers are fine.

So you're just lazy, then.

Maybe she has hobbies/a passion and spends free time on that? Or is that selfish in your book?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ITA with these PPs - when I stayed at home, i did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and spent funds from the joint account. WTF OP? Now that I am working outside the home, I purposely took a job with much less responsibility and hours than DH so I can maintain the household w/out outsourcing. I would rather do the work myself and build our own coffers, rather than those of hired help.

You would hate me. I stay at home and have a regular housekeeper and a part time nanny who comes 20 hours/week. I like outsourcing and I treat these people well. Our coffers are fine.

So you're just lazy, then.

Maybe she has hobbies/a passion and spends free time on that? Or is that selfish in your book?

PP. I don't really. Well, I like to cook and cook for my family a lot. But I have 3 kids, so I mostly have the nanny handle the baby while I spend time with the older two/shuttle them to school/activities. Then she goes home after I get the middle one to afternoon preschool and I have time with the baby. Then I pick everyone up and we do snacks, etc and hang out. Then I cook dinner, we eat. Then bedtime. I exercise 3x/week while the nanny watches the kids. So, I get about 3 hours of personal time during the week. Other than that, I am with at least one of my kids. Shrug. It makes my life pretty nice even though I have 3 kids. And I feel like I spend a lot of quality time with each instead of just surviving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

Except she doesn't want to take care of the household and kid: she wants $300 per week for a babysitter and maid. So he is working, and she is using his income to outsource her "work" while she has "me time". That would make me pretty resentful too.

Her husband doesn't help clean and doesn't watch the kid when he's home, to give her some me time. He just takes his off-work hours as his own me time. If he isn't going to man up and do his share, he absolutely should give her cash to have four hours a WEEK to herself. The additional cash is compensating for his failure as a partner.

Ummm... does she help him do his job? why is it that SAH think that the working spouse should do 50% of the SAH stuff plus 100% of outside of the house work? All things being equal that would mean the SAH does 25% of the total work because the outside the house spouse does all the outside the house stuff + 50% of the house stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family income is only $100K per year, and you want $100 a week for a house cleaner + babysitter ($5,200 a year). That seems like a little much when you gave up a salary of $100K to stay home with the kid.

Yeah. I've got a brother and his wife is a SAH.... she doesn't think that cleaning and cooking is value added to the family and says that she "prefers to have experiences with the children." A couple times a year she will take off for a week or two to spend time with her sisters out west leaving my brother to work full time (take his vacation time) and take care of the kids while she is gone. She says that she needs it to stay connected to her family. Its total B.S.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

Except she doesn't want to take care of the household and kid: she wants $300 per week for a babysitter and maid. So he is working, and she is using his income to outsource her "work" while she has "me time". That would make me pretty resentful too.

Her husband doesn't help clean and doesn't watch the kid when he's home, to give her some me time. He just takes his off-work hours as his own me time. If he isn't going to man up and do his share, he absolutely should give her cash to have four hours a WEEK to herself. The additional cash is compensating for his failure as a partner.

Ummm... does she help him do his job? why is it that SAH think that the working spouse should do 50% of the SAH stuff plus 100% of outside of the house work? All things being equal that would mean the SAH does 25% of the total work because the outside the house spouse does all the outside the house stuff + 50% of the house stuff.

The math is not quite so neat. She is taking care of their child during the day, and likely a lot of the home tasks as well. Your allocation of labor would have her working 24/7 and him working 40 hours a week and then relaxing, as he apparently is not helping at all. There has to be something between the two extremes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure do hope you're a troll. In fact I definitely think you're a troll. Did you never discuss this with your DH prior to your decision?

I'm a SAHM, have never had to ask for money. Ever. You're in a marriage together and the bank account should be joint.

Fellow SAHM here. You guys should create a budget together. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I had to ask dh for some sort of weekly allowance.

Isn't an allowance just sort of the end game of the budget?

Each of you can have an "allowance" for personal/discretionary, but you don't have to "ask" for it. Any more than he has to "ask" for money to pay the mortgage.

He doesn't have to ask because it's his money. She does because it's not hers.

No, it isn't. It's family money. They aren't filing a separate tax return, I'm sure of that.

It's his money, he earned it. He can give his wife whatever allowance from his money that he wants. If she wants more, she should get a job.

Nope. He earned it because she enabled him to go out and do so by taking care of household and kid duties during his work hours. That's what family members do. Work together. I'm sorry your family seems to be every man for himself. It's given you a very distorted view of healthy family dynamics. Money is not the sole or even the most important indicator of human value.

But for toxic people like you who nickel and dime every lift of a finger, give her at least $400 a week. That's what he'd be paying as a single dad to pay for day care for one child. He'd also be responsible for all childcare, all chores, all kid illnesses and homework and activities at night after work. Instead of working as a team to manage it all.

Except she doesn't want to take care of the household and kid: she wants $300 per week for a babysitter and maid. So he is working, and she is using his income to outsource her "work" while she has "me time". That would make me pretty resentful too.

Her husband doesn't help clean and doesn't watch the kid when he's home, to give her some me time. He just takes his off-work hours as his own me time. If he isn't going to man up and do his share, he absolutely should give her cash to have four hours a WEEK to herself. The additional cash is compensating for his failure as a partner.

Ummm... does she help him do his job? why is it that SAH think that the working spouse should do 50% of the SAH stuff plus 100% of outside of the house work? All things being equal that would mean the SAH does 25% of the total work because the outside the house spouse does all the outside the house stuff + 50% of the house stuff.

I didn't say 50/50. But a 15 month old is a handful, constantly on the move, and constantly having to be entertained and redirected. When the child gets older and can entertain himself, the OP will have more time to do more significant cleaning during the day. I'm sure she does "some" housecleaning during the day. But she is not a slave. She deserves some down time herself. And her husband isn't giving it to her after his work hours because he's not cleaning at all (doesn't have to be 50%, but it should be something). He does, however, have to do 50% of the childcare after work hours. Not sure if he's doing that. Sounds like he gets home and relaxes (his own down time), and she's not getting any down time of her own.

Of course the ideal solution is that he step up and help when he's home. Throwing money at it is an imperfect "solution." Really the choice is his.