Early redflags
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Anonymous
Did you grow up in an abusive home? |
Anonymous
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Lied about any dinners, lunches or meetings with women, even female work colleagues because he told me he was afraid of how I would react if I knew. Classic blame-shifting.
Forgot anniversaries and birthdays. Complained that DS wasn't athletic but never tossed a ball around with him, ever. Never encouraged DC to participate in any sport nor would DH ever volunteer to coach. His idea of spending time with the kids was taking them to lunch or dinner. Then DH would come home and nap. Would never watch a kids' movie with them or play a board game. |
Anonymous
 2 sides to every story.
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Anonymous
More interested in getting that ring by a certain age. |
Anonymous
No, most likely was told "relationships are work" and thought that accepting their SO's flaws were part of that "work". Or didn't realize how those "little" things are really the tip of the iceberg for bigger things. Seems silly to reject a guy because he lies about taking out the trash. Don't realize that it was a sign that he would rather lie that have an uncomfortable conversation. |
Anonymous
So true! I own my mistakes in judgment. As explanation, I think that those of us who fall for these guys either grew up with an abusive/narcissistic/bpd parent, as I did, so we think these red flags are just a normal part of how everyone acts, or we're very naive and believe the men can change, or that their negative behavior was a fluke. And some of these guys come on very, very charming and are great liars and mindfuckers. |
Anonymous
Probably a little bit of both wanting to be married and believing the you're too picky line. I hate that line so much cause of many people ignoring what they shouldn't. |
Anonymous
Why would him not taking out the trash be an uncomfortable conversation? I agree this is at least equally as revealing about the women as it is the men. Very few of you will own up to that though, and instead blame it on every other "cause". |
Anonymous
| Hindsight is 20/20, our human desire top make things logical connect unrelated events into a cohesive narrative that we can say were red flags to make sense of our random existence. |
Anonymous
To a degree, yes. The verbal was worse than the physical. A home where we had no voice, no control, no identity, except to be obedient and make our parents look good. My husband is not quite as bad as it may sound, as I only stated some of the worst things. We've gotten pretty far from where we started, we have been working on it. But these behaviors have echoed throughout our relationship - a vengeful and surgical meanness when he feels hurt, and an utter lack of manners or chivalry. My dad told me when I was 20 not to trust men who are romantic and "chivalrous" and I think it stuck with me. |
Anonymous
It was the tip of a very large iceberg. He couldn't just say, "No I forgot to take the trash out" because 1) it made him feel like a failure and he wasn't pulling his weight and he took every negative or perceived negative very personally and 2) unknowingly, he was putting SO in the position of 'mommy' and he didn't want to disappoint 'mommy' or be punished by 'mommy'. So like a 15yo, he would just lie or get squirmy. It ended up being that every major decision, he didn't speak up for fear of disappointing 'mommy' that he would just agree to it (after a little push back, then roll over). So he was unhappy for years (hated the house, the location and having a baby) and hid all his feelings behind lies. The he was a rebellious, moody teenager for a year and finally the affair (with someone 15 years younger) came to light. So in this case, the unnecessary lies about little things were just a sign of bigger problems. |
Anonymous
| Ladies, why do you think you were attracted to such losers? |