I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal

[Anonymous]

Hi,
While I hope there is more that led to your conversation with your son you aren't sharing, I want to offer a thought to all the judgy McJudgersons on this thread.

I have twins. One is so sweet he literally mails love notes to relatives every day. The other is hell.on.wheels. Every day is a constant battle with this child. I love him to the moon and back but he often talks back, is rude, and is disrespectful. We ground him (take away his favorite toys), put him in time out, and always give him consequences. It doesn't stop the nonstop struggle with him and his behavior.

Before I had kids I thought a kids behavior was completely a product of nurture. If you spent any time with my sons who have been together and treated the same since the day they were born, you would see how big a role nature plays in a child's temperament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,
While I hope there is more that led to your conversation with your son you aren't sharing, I want to offer a thought to all the judgy McJudgersons on this thread.

I have twins. One is so sweet he literally mails love notes to relatives every day. The other is hell.on.wheels. Every day is a constant battle with this child. I love him to the moon and back but he often talks back, is rude, and is disrespectful. We ground him (take away his favorite toys), put him in time out, and always give him consequences. It doesn't stop the nonstop struggle with him and his behavior.

Before I had kids I thought a kids behavior was completely a product of nurture. If you spent any time with my sons who have been together and treated the same since the day they were born, you would see how big a role nature plays in a child's temperament.

You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you call one "sweet" and call the other "hell on wheels" and "disrespectful?"

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies.

I realize I did not give much of the story of what happened before the exchange. DS needed multiple reminders to get up and get dressed, complained about breakfast, whined about putting on shoes and jacket, screamed when backpack strap got caught, and dawdled getting ready to go out the door. All of this meant we were ten minutes late going out the door. When I opened the trunk of the car to get my umbrella, he just stood behind me when I thought he would have been getting in the car. This is when I asked what was wrong with him, as in, you know to get in the car, and we are running late, so why are you just standing there?

To the better parents with perfect children and to those who feel sad for my kid, thank you for knowing how to parent well. Your children will be strong and I hope they will contribute to society. You cannot possibly know what it is like to deal daily with a volatile, explosive child. This child has told me multiple times "I am going to kill you" (no, I have never said that to him) and once said he would tell a police officer to shoot me. Many mornings I am exhausted just by the time I drop him off at school. The stress of parenting this child is, in fact, slowly killing me.

I have more than one, and this is the only child that acts this way, so I do not think it is not completely what I am doing wrong as a parent. Thanks to 10:21 and others who commented on having children with different temperaments. Yes, I am a flawed human, but I do try. Last year I spent $1500+ out of pocket on family therapy, which did not seem to help much. 19:43, I would appreciate the name of your psychologist.

And for those who needed to comment on ruining Christmas by leaving coal, I was venting and said I WISH I could do that. Of course this child will get something from Santa.

[Anonymous]

NP. Op, I have a child like yours. It is super tiring I know. And like the mom of twins, my other kid is really easy going and flexible. Does not talk back.

All I can say is hang in there. I had to deal with bringing in a screaming, thrashing child this morning to preschool drop off that kicked me in the stomach. I try to count to 10 before I react to my child. Sometimes I hole myself up in my bathroom for a few mins when she really gets to me. Its tiring, I know.

If it helps, I actually knew a few of these types of kids growing up. Some of them were cousins of mine. Apparently my husband was like this too. And for the most part, they are all productive, successful members of society. I think we just need to wait for them to figure out inner control, and getting a handle on their emotions, which perhaps comes to them a little bit later that other kids....

[Anonymous]

Make sure it's clean coal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just going to assume that 90% of the posters are trolls, because no one can be so obviously obtuse. Kids start pushing the sass boundary around five years of age. It's a thing. If you have a 6yo who doesn't test boundaries, I'd be concerned.

Yeah but the adult doesn't have to act like an idiot by asking stupid and mean questions like, "what is the matter with you?" That kind of ? never gets a loving respectful reply even from 40 yr olds.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid seems very strong willed. Books about how to raise strong willed kids can be very effective. Give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That kind of crap will ruin a kid for Christmas forever. My mom gave my dad 30 silver dollars in a dirty sock for Christmas one year.

She got off easy, a sock with 30 silver dollars in it is a very effective weapon!

[Anonymous]

You should have stopped this behavior from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

OP have you ever asked your child why he says those things? I mean immediately after says them. I know that 6 year olds aren't the best at articulating feelings, but I'd be interested to hear his response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,
While I hope there is more that led to your conversation with your son you aren't sharing, I want to offer a thought to all the judgy McJudgersons on this thread.

I have twins. One is so sweet he literally mails love notes to relatives every day. The other is hell.on.wheels. Every day is a constant battle with this child. I love him to the moon and back but he often talks back, is rude, and is disrespectful. We ground him (take away his favorite toys), put him in time out, and always give him consequences. It doesn't stop the nonstop struggle with him and his behavior.

Before I had kids I thought a kids behavior was completely a product of nurture. If you spent any time with my sons who have been together and treated the same since the day they were born, you would see how big a role nature plays in a child's temperament.

You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you call one "sweet" and call the other "hell on wheels" and "disrespectful?"

NP here. I have two kids and the same experience. They came out of the womb that way. The differences between them are innumerable and stark. Their core personalities would not change no matter what I might do, I can promise you that. Could their behavior be affected? Yes. I get that my behavior and habits affects their behavior. It could get better or worse. But their personalities I have no control over. One is sweet and the other is high strung and challenging. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,
While I hope there is more that led to your conversation with your son you aren't sharing, I want to offer a thought to all the judgy McJudgersons on this thread.

I have twins. One is so sweet he literally mails love notes to relatives every day. The other is hell.on.wheels. Every day is a constant battle with this child. I love him to the moon and back but he often talks back, is rude, and is disrespectful. We ground him (take away his favorite toys), put him in time out, and always give him consequences. It doesn't stop the nonstop struggle with him and his behavior.

Before I had kids I thought a kids behavior was completely a product of nurture. If you spent any time with my sons who have been together and treated the same since the day they were born, you would see how big a role nature plays in a child's temperament.

+1. I have two completely different temperament kids as well. Same sex. 20 months apart. One is compliant, even proactively helpful. Quick to share, listens, follows rules. Waves and smiles to everyone.

Other is strong willed, persistent, repeatedly tests every boundary, acts sullen when people say hello. I love them both the same and I love them for who they are, of course. The strong willed one is also incredible smart, funny, creative, and affectionate with family. But they were born different. Strong willed one definitely is more challenging.

Now when I see parents with challenging kids, I realize I used to judge. No more. Some is nurture but a lot is nature. Some kids will seriously dig in and test every and I mean every single boundary, and some will mostly happily comply. Parents do the best with what they have to work with!

[Anonymous]

Go get The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and read it or listen to it.

I tend to be a very concrete/literal thinker (just like my sweet, sensitive, and infuriating DS) and interpreted your title that way. I get venting though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the replies.

I realize I did not give much of the story of what happened before the exchange. DS needed multiple reminders to get up and get dressed, complained about breakfast, whined about putting on shoes and jacket, screamed when backpack strap got caught, and dawdled getting ready to go out the door. All of this meant we were ten minutes late going out the door. When I opened the trunk of the car to get my umbrella, he just stood behind me when I thought he would have been getting in the car. This is when I asked what was wrong with him, as in, you know to get in the car, and we are running late, so why are you just standing there?

To the better parents with perfect children and to those who feel sad for my kid, thank you for knowing how to parent well. Your children will be strong and I hope they will contribute to society. You cannot possibly know what it is like to deal daily with a volatile, explosive child. This child has told me multiple times "I am going to kill you" (no, I have never said that to him) and once said he would tell a police officer to shoot me. Many mornings I am exhausted just by the time I drop him off at school. The stress of parenting this child is, in fact, slowly killing me.

I have more than one, and this is the only child that acts this way, so I do not think it is not completely what I am doing wrong as a parent. Thanks to 10:21 and others who commented on having children with different temperaments. Yes, I am a flawed human, but I do try. Last year I spent $1500+ out of pocket on family therapy, which did not seem to help much. 19:43, I would appreciate the name of your psychologist.

And for those who needed to comment on ruining Christmas by leaving coal, I was venting and said I WISH I could do that. Of course this child will get something from Santa.

Even though he is strong willed and explosive and exhausting to parent (BTDT), get some professional help to figure out the best way to parent him. There might be some small changes you can make that could make a huge difference. I used to curse parents who had easy children and found parenting to be so easy because their kids just...did what was asked. Mine doesn't. Or didn't until I made some changes with the help of a professional. If you're not willing to go down that road (I waited too long because I'm an educated woman with a good background and I really thought I should just know what to do), then get and read Parenting the Strongwilled Child by Rex Forehand. Make one change a week and just see if it helps.

If you just give up nothing will change. And you can't force him to change. You can only change your parenting strategies, and the typical ones don't work with strong willed children.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like your DC hadn't had his morning Ritalin yet. Moodiness is vastly calmed by the stuff.