I would like to give my 6YO a lump of coal

[Anonymous]

People don't understand what it is like to have a kid with horrible behaviors and how you can lose it.

I do understand what it is like. My 6 year old has ADD and I have to tell him the same thing about 100 times before he actually complies. I screamed at him yesterday and asked him why I had to repeat myself 100 times before he would actually do what I asked him. But in the end, I was wrong for freaking out, and it helped nothing. Giving him coal or threatening him about Santa is going to help nothing. The only thing that may help is staying calm and imposing appropriate consequences calmly. It is annoying and frustrating, but as the adult, I have to help him change and deal with the situation.

[Anonymous]

So should she give him everything his heart desires for Christmas and teach him that his behavior, no matter how nasty, will have no negative consequences for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So should she give him everything his heart desires for Christmas and teach him that his behavior, no matter how nasty, will have no negative consequences for him?

That isn't what anyone said, and you know it.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure that we are dealing with exactly the same thing or severity, but I've been turning to this article recently to help me with my DD:

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/back-talk-boot-camp-stop-the-sass/

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

This may or may not be your case here but I had a friend who when as a child her sister received a lump of coal for Christmas. It ruined the Christmas for not just the sister but, for the whole family. I wouldn't do it but I would try to find out why he is behaving the way he is. Perhaps give him more kindness since he seems to need it more?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take ownership. You are the problem, not your son. You even provide an example of how he is clearly mirroring the behavior he is being exposed to by you.

You deserve the coal. I truly feel sorry for your son. He got a raw deal in the parent arena.

+1

The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. He's learning disrespectful behavior at home. If my 8 yr old acted this way - I would embarrassed and appalled - he would lose Christmas. Period. Are you getting notes from school that he treats his classmates disrespectful? Huge wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take ownership. You are the problem, not your son. You even provide an example of how he is clearly mirroring the behavior he is being exposed to by you.

You deserve the coal. I truly feel sorry for your son. He got a raw deal in the parent arena.

+1

The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. He's learning disrespectful behavior at home. If my 8 yr old acted this way - I would embarrassed and appalled - he would lose Christmas. Period. Are you getting notes from school that he treats his classmates disrespectful? Huge wake up call.

Shouldn't YOU lose Christmas then? After all, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

OP, Christmas is about grace - love and forgiveness and hope freely given. That's the Christmas story in a nutshell. I'm sure its frustrating, but see if you can de-link your kid's behavior from his Christmas gifts. He gets Christmas gifts because you love him unconditionally (even when he is a brat), and because of the joy the whole family has when opening gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas gifts aren't rewards or bribes or incentives - they are love, freely given. Your boy needs your love now, while you two are working on behavior together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Op

This may or may not be your case here but I had a friend who when as a child her sister received a lump of coal for Christmas. It ruined the Christmas for not just the sister but, for the whole family. I wouldn't do it but I would try to find out why he is behaving the way he is. Perhaps give him more kindness since he seems to need it more?

Good luck.

That kind of crap will ruin a kid for Christmas forever. My mom gave my dad 30 silver dollars in a dirty sock for Christmas one year. He got very drunk and proceeded to inform everyone under the age of 30 that they should never, ever get married because marriage is evil.

I learned that if you are drama queen or a narcissist, Christmas is a perfect time for inflicting psychological cruelty on others.

I hate fucking Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Christmas is about grace - love and forgiveness and hope freely given. That's the Christmas story in a nutshell. I'm sure its frustrating, but see if you can de-link your kid's behavior from his Christmas gifts. He gets Christmas gifts because you love him unconditionally (even when he is a brat), and because of the joy the whole family has when opening gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas gifts aren't rewards or bribes or incentives - they are love, freely given. Your boy needs your love now, while you two are working on behavior together.

I love the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take ownership. You are the problem, not your son. You even provide an example of how he is clearly mirroring the behavior he is being exposed to by you.

You deserve the coal. I truly feel sorry for your son. He got a raw deal in the parent arena.

+1

The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. He's learning disrespectful behavior at home. If my 8 yr old acted this way - I would embarrassed and appalled - he would lose Christmas. Period. Are you getting notes from school that he treats his classmates disrespectful? Huge wake up call.

Taking away Christmas doesn't teach the child anything. Punishment isn't going to teach this child to respect you. It just teaches them to resent you and to resent the rules. The only way to teach a child to behave in a positive way is to catch them being good and reward good behavior. Even if you are just praising their good behavior, it makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Our 6 yo son can be difficult.

Things that work for us are:

Enforcing time in his room. Sunday, he went there 6 times for 10 minute stretches.

No rewards unless he earns them. Yesterday, he spilled a bunch of popcorn. I asked him to make a pile of it and I'd get it into the trash. I returned 2 minutes later and he was carefully scooping the last bits into the trash can. I hugged him, he was beaming with pride, and I immediate gave him a hershey's kiss and told him that this was the kind of responsible behavior we knew he could show and I was proud of him.

I often repeat "Your behavior isn't going to change that you have to wear pants/that it's bedtime/that you are not getting dessert. It can only make things worse. Please get control of yourself. Your behavior isn't changing the situation." It often works.

Start every day over.

Consider if your child is spoiled. Ours is, and it is a bitch. We have to talk to grandparents often about helping us not spoil. The only grandchild struggle is real.

Big one - understand that when your child is truly upset or spiraling, you need to get down on the floor, give hugs, and try to respond. It's tough when you have a difficult kid who often spends time in the penalty box. It's hard when you've been at the end of your rope for 3 hours already. But these kids have tough days, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Op

This may or may not be your case here but I had a friend who when as a child her sister received a lump of coal for Christmas. It ruined the Christmas for not just the sister but, for the whole family. I wouldn't do it but I would try to find out why he is behaving the way he is. Perhaps give him more kindness since he seems to need it more?

Good luck.

That kind of crap will ruin a kid for Christmas forever. My mom gave my dad 30 silver dollars in a dirty sock for Christmas one year. He got very drunk and proceeded to inform everyone under the age of 30 that they should never, ever get married because marriage is evil.

I learned that if you are drama queen or a narcissist, Christmas is a perfect time for inflicting psychological cruelty on others.

I hate fucking Christmas.

Wow. Time to start the new thread for best/most horrible Xmas stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People don't understand what it is like to have a kid with horrible behaviors and how you can lose it.

I do understand what it is like. My 6 year old has ADD and I have to tell him the same thing about 100 times before he actually complies. I screamed at him yesterday and asked him why I had to repeat myself 100 times before he would actually do what I asked him. But in the end, I was wrong for freaking out, and it helped nothing. Giving him coal or threatening him about Santa is going to help nothing. The only thing that may help is staying calm and imposing appropriate consequences calmly. It is annoying and frustrating, but as the adult, I have to help him change and deal with the situation.

NP here. My 7yo has ADHD, anxiety, ODD, and a severe LD. He can alternate between being the sweetest most sensitive kid in the world and yelling "you're a big bully!" at me in the morning when I tell him to put his socks on. I think I know a little bit about parenting a difficult child. Parenting a difficult child is a lot easier when you act like an adult yourself, though. Stop escalating the situation and stop trying to "win" by getting in the last jab or, in this case, hurtful rhetorical question.

Kazdin is a good place to start or with Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". I think you seriously need to think about the values you demonstrate vs. what you demand. If you value respectfulness, then treat everyone, including your 6yo, with respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Christmas is about grace - love and forgiveness and hope freely given. That's the Christmas story in a nutshell. I'm sure its frustrating, but see if you can de-link your kid's behavior from his Christmas gifts. He gets Christmas gifts because you love him unconditionally (even when he is a brat), and because of the joy the whole family has when opening gifts on Christmas morning. Christmas gifts aren't rewards or bribes or incentives - they are love, freely given. Your boy needs your love now, while you two are working on behavior together.

I love the response.

+1