Moms role in social engineering in Middle School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broad generalization, but rings true in my life; beware the mom of all girls or just one girl.

I have two girls with a boy in the middle. Somehow a DS brings some balance and sanity.

In thinking about my close "mom friends" those I've met through preschool, ES, MS and now HS, all have at least one DS.

I'll go out on a limb and say that the Queen Bee moms of all girls are the biggest social engineers - and this encompasses their own social life; are very cliquish themselves.

If gender plays into this at all I'd bet you'd see a stronger correlations with the gender of the Mom's siblings rather than their children.

I've got only girls and am about as far from a social engineer as it's possible to get. But I've also got a brother and no sisters and am a bit of a tomboy. And I think having a brother had far more to do with shaping who I am as a mother than the fact that my kids happened to be girls.

This could be. I have lots of brothers and two boys; I have no idea what these people are talking about. To me it like this thread is about a bad teen movie and not real life at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^You're happy that a person who had a rich family and lots of friends in high school was working at a diner 12 years later. Maybe think about what that says about you?

Which means that her children will end up working in a diner or giving blow jobs at the mall at 12, if logic follows.

Actually not true. My children are grown and very successful. They too were unpopular in middle and high school.

Wait...you are 12 years out of high school and all your kids are already "grown up and successful" and past high school?

I suspect some embellishment is going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broad generalization, but rings true in my life; beware the mom of all girls or just one girl.

I have two girls with a boy in the middle. Somehow a DS brings some balance and sanity.

In thinking about my close "mom friends" those I've met through preschool, ES, MS and now HS, all have at least one DS.

I'll go out on a limb and say that the Queen Bee moms of all girls are the biggest social engineers - and this encompasses their own social life; are very cliquish themselves.

I never thought about this, but this seems to be true in my life as well! I have two boys and one girl; all the Queen Bee girls at DD's school come from families of all girls. Interesting!!

No. The common thread among queen bee moms is that they are insecure and immature. Their own self worth is wrapped up in their progeny- it's just that it can't be fully expressed through their sons.

Yup! But it's much more fun to bang the drum of boys are better/easier.

No, its just as bad in middle school for lots of boys. Its just that the bullying usually gets physical much faster and schools tend to know how to deal with that a little better. The lines that boys cross tend to be brighter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^You're happy that a person who had a rich family and lots of friends in high school was working at a diner 12 years later. Maybe think about what that says about you?

Which means that her children will end up working in a diner or giving blow jobs at the mall at 12, if logic follows.

Actually not true. My children are grown and very successful. They too were unpopular in middle and high school.

Wait...you are 12 years out of high school and all your kids are already "grown up and successful" and past high school?

I suspect some embellishment is going on here.

No, I graduated in 1976. I told the story about when I was 30, which was over 25 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^You're happy that a person who had a rich family and lots of friends in high school was working at a diner 12 years later. Maybe think about what that says about you?

So does that mean when your kids who you have been able to provide better for fail later in life that their former classmates can sneer at them?

Classism is all based on prespective. Meaning it depends on where you are looking from, how you can deride another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This most definitely happens. There was one particular parent who engaged in "social engineering" for her daughter starting in elementary school. She left my daughter out to dry. She will never be forgiven for that. The mother suffers with lots of troubles now, and I do get satisfaction from that. My daughter went on to make other friends and is happy as a clam right now, but[/b] I do harbor lots of resentment for this mother and secretly wish evil upon her family[b].

Wow, you are scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:mom of single DD here. Like all generalizations I think this one has a kernel of truth, much as it kills me to admit it. Must be why almost all my mom friends are the mothers of boys only, much to DD's chagrin. "Why do all your friends have boys?" in my experience, they are more relaxed and they have less time for bs politics, which I like.

the one conflict that's come up with another mother was with a mother of 2 girls. She was a total social engineer as described previously - trying to fight her kid's battles etc. I'll go further though and say in my experience, it's mainly SAHMs of girls who social engineer and create cliques - the rest of us are too busy for that kind of bullshit.

*waits for the screams of outrage*

As you said about the first generalization, I think that your sahm one contains a grain of truth; however, I would guess that is because sahm's are around to hear some of the exclusionary comments, whether from their child recounting aspects of their day or by directly overhearing their kids' and friends' conversations. I say that as a primarily wah parent who goes into the office one day a week - on the day I'm in the office, I worry less because "out of sight, out of mind," but I also am more disconnected from my kids' days on that day (not always a bad thing, but there are pluses and minuses to it). The one thing I am certain of is that as a parent you have no clue about your kid's day by what they decide to tell you about it.

[Anonymous]

I have read this thread with interest because I have a middle aged son who is constantly left out of things in large part because of the parents so I can tell you that it is not just girls. It is just heartbreaking as a parent to watch and not know what to do (or even if you should do anything). And the moms are so self satisfied - "I think my kid should be able to choose who they want to hang out with" is the common justification of these moms right up until their kid is left out of something.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:mom of single DD here. Like all generalizations I think this one has a kernel of truth, much as it kills me to admit it. Must be why almost all my mom friends are the mothers of boys only, much to DD's chagrin. "Why do all your friends have boys?" in my experience, they are more relaxed and they have less time for bs politics, which I like.

the one conflict that's come up with another mother was with a mother of 2 girls. She was a total social engineer as described previously - trying to fight her kid's battles etc. I'll go further though and say in my experience, it's mainly SAHMs of girls who social engineer and create cliques - the rest of us are too busy for that kind of bullshit.

*waits for the screams of outrage*

SAHM here. Not outraged, just kind of amused since work status doesn't seem to define the social engineer moms at our school. WOHMs, SAHMs... doesn't seem to matter. The Queen Bee factor doesn't seem to discriminate, at least not based on work status.

Mom of all boys here whose family is heavily involved in an industry that is almost exclusively girl customers.

That poster is dead wrong. This behavior by moms is VERY equally distributed between working moms and stay at home moms.

It is also equally distributed between moms of all girls and moms of mostly sons, particularly in cases where there is more than one son and only one daughter, and the girl is mom's bff and favorite.

It is equally distributed between girly girls and jock type girls. It starts around third grade, sometimes in second with the girls who are more "grown up" or worldly than their peers.

The moms least likely to do this behavior actually are moms of more than three kids. THOSE moms are the ones who are truly too busy to engage in such nonsense.

Don't kid yourself that this is a stay at home vs working mom issue

It clewrly is not.

Are you responding to me (the immediate PP) or the PP before me? Because I believe I said exactly the same thing you did - that Queen Bee moms can be either SAHMs or WOHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

+100
Who among us hasn't had a momentary thrill when finding out that the high school Queen Bee is quite what she used to be? That doesn't make the PP a bad person - just a human being. The same type of thing once happened to me, and I'm not ashamed to admit I gave in to it and permitted myself a bit of satisfaction.

Me. I don't know who the high school Queen Bee was. There were "popular girls" in my high school -- the ones I know of these days have done as well as anybody else. At least one of them is a doctor. Good for her.

Lucky you - clearly you weren't tormented or bullied by a high school Queen Bee type. How nice for you. Those of us who were are perfectly justified in feeling the way we do. Stop being so self-righteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broad generalization, but rings true in my life; beware the mom of all girls or just one girl.

I have two girls with a boy in the middle. Somehow a DS brings some balance and sanity.

In thinking about my close "mom friends" those I've met through preschool, ES, MS and now HS, all have at least one DS.

I'll go out on a limb and say that the Queen Bee moms of all girls are the biggest social engineers - and this encompasses their own social life; are very cliquish themselves.

If gender plays into this at all I'd bet you'd see a stronger correlations with the gender of the Mom's siblings rather than their children.

I've got only girls and am about as far from a social engineer as it's possible to get. But I've also got a brother and no sisters and am a bit of a tomboy. And I think having a brother had far more to do with shaping who I am as a mother than the fact that my kids happened to be girls.

This could be. I have lots of brothers and two boys; I have no idea what these people are talking about. To me it like this thread is about a bad teen movie and not real life at all.

If you had girls, you would know that this phenomenon is, sadly, very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broad generalization, but rings true in my life; beware the mom of all girls or just one girl.

I have two girls with a boy in the middle. Somehow a DS brings some balance and sanity.

In thinking about my close "mom friends" those I've met through preschool, ES, MS and now HS, all have at least one DS.

I'll go out on a limb and say that the Queen Bee moms of all girls are the biggest social engineers - and this encompasses their own social life; are very cliquish themselves.

If gender plays into this at all I'd bet you'd see a stronger correlations with the gender of the Mom's siblings rather than their children.

I've got only girls and am about as far from a social engineer as it's possible to get. But I've also got a brother and no sisters and am a bit of a tomboy. And I think having a brother had far more to do with shaping who I am as a mother than the fact that my kids happened to be girls.

This could be. I have lots of brothers and two boys; I have no idea what these people are talking about. To me it like this thread is about a bad teen movie and not real life at all.

If you had girls, you would know that this phenomenon is, sadly, very real.

NP. I believe it's true from what I hear from friends who have girls, and I remember it growing up. But as a mom to all boys, it's not a part of my life at all. Why is this always so prevalent with females?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP. I believe it's true from what I hear from friends who have girls, and I remember it growing up. But as a mom to all boys, it's not a part of my life at all. Why is this always so prevalent with females?

As mother of all girls, it's not part of my life either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is getting the cold shoulder from a classmate that was nice and very friendly when school started. Does this happen to other kids -- is it common in Middle School?

It is common in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not popular in high school. I guess you may have considered me one of the outcasts. But it turns out that I was a late bloomer.

These kids who blossom in middle and high school can fizzle out pretty early in life. A perfect example was at age 30 I wondered into a diner. By this time I am gainfully employed in my dream job and recently married to a doctor. We sat down and who comes over to wait on us but the queen bee in high school, Patti Miller. Yes, the homecoming queen was serving me my bacon and eggs. Gotta love it.

There is no pride to be taken in becoming a late bloomer, if all that means is that you act like a Queen Bee in your 30s, rather than in your pre-teens. You sound mean now.