DH's family.....sigh.....

[Anonymous]

I would look for a rental with a kitchen. That's super useful when you have children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in the exact same situation. Middle class, but not filthy rich. We declined. ILs were pissed. I suggested, "Ok, if you really want us to come, then a) offer an alternative lodging that is not going to blow our savings and b) still want us to stay in the same hotel? pitch in!"

And these are the same people who say that AirBnb is sooo expensive

[Anonymous]

I'd stay in the hotel one night and airbnb the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, and wow, this thread got out of hand quick. Thanks to all for the valuable suggestions. Not sure they will be offended, but they will definitely want us to stay altogether. Unless we hit the lottery between now and then, that won't be happening and I am sure we won't be the only ones.

I don't plan to make a big deal out of it. They know our financial situation, in that they are aware that we make WAY less than them. I don't think they care; they are extreme narcissists. Anyways, they are wrapped up in their lives, as we are wrapped up in ours. I am going to assume they will offer several places to choose from to stay, but if they do not, I will be armed with that before I get the invite.

We are religious, but I would never throw that in their face. They waste plenty of money, but I wouldn't say that either. They are always buying new cars and gadgets and clothes and renovating their house and traveling the world (quite literally). I don't want to insult them; this whole trip is about the happy couple.

We will find something that works for us and do the best we can. We want to be there, so we will be there. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little miffed at spending what we'll be spending on a hotel, travel, etc. and then being expected to give an expensive gift too. We'll probably just do cash; they already have everything.

PLEASE do not give them a gift if you are paying for flights, hotels, etc. You'll have spent enough money on them already!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, and wow, this thread got out of hand quick. Thanks to all for the valuable suggestions. Not sure they will be offended, but they will definitely want us to stay altogether. Unless we hit the lottery between now and then, that won't be happening and I am sure we won't be the only ones.

I don't plan to make a big deal out of it. They know our financial situation, in that they are aware that we make WAY less than them. I don't think they care; they are extreme narcissists. Anyways, they are wrapped up in their lives, as we are wrapped up in ours. I am going to assume they will offer several places to choose from to stay, but if they do not, I will be armed with that before I get the invite.

We are religious, but I would never throw that in their face. They waste plenty of money, but I wouldn't say that either. They are always buying new cars and gadgets and clothes and renovating their house and traveling the world (quite literally). I don't want to insult them; this whole trip is about the happy couple.

We will find something that works for us and do the best we can. We want to be there, so we will be there. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little miffed at spending what we'll be spending on a hotel, travel, etc. and then being expected to give an expensive gift too. We'll probably just do cash; they already have everything.

PLEASE do not give them a gift if you are paying for flights, hotels, etc. You'll have spent enough money on them already!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the exact same situation. Middle class, but not filthy rich. We declined. ILs were pissed. I suggested, "Ok, if you really want us to come, then a) offer an alternative lodging that is not going to blow our savings and b) still want us to stay in the same hotel? pitch in!"

And these are the same people who say that AirBnb is sooo expensive

What happened, pp? Did your ILs pitch in or did you stay home? Don't leave us hanging!

[Anonymous]

We can certainly find our own place to stay, but I think they will be offended

Op you're being ridiculous. Make your own decisions. If you haven't learned to tune-out them being "offended", well, start now. And just because someone has a destination wedding, it doesn't mean everyone else embarrasses it as a good idea. Go/Don't GO. But please start owning your decisions.

[Anonymous]

meant "embraces"

[Anonymous]

"It works for me/us." The most useful response for those who challenge a decision you make for yourself or your family. Then you redirect by asking them a question on another subject or excuse yourself and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the not so distant past, the hosts would put all out of town guests up in a hotel or other accommodation on their own dime, not the guests. I believe that even the remake of The Father of the Bride reflects this.

Bullshit. I'm 50 and from middle class Midwest. I've probably been to 50 wedding and no one I know has ever done that. I've hosted out of town guests and been hosted myself but have never had anyone pay for my accommodations. I've even had the bride/groom pair me up with someone so we could share the cost of a hotel room. I'm sitting here with my 75 year old mother and said she's heard of such a thing. 'Who could afford that?!'

[Anonymous]

This may be cultural. I'm from a cental European country and the couple is expected to host the guests. I got married in US but looked on some forums where brides were discussing hotel costs and how many couples could share a room, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We can certainly find our own place to stay, but I think they will be offended

Op you're being ridiculous. Make your own decisions. If you haven't learned to tune-out them being "offended", well, start now. And just because someone has a destination wedding, it doesn't mean everyone else embarrasses it as a good idea. ***Go/Don't GO. But please start owning your decisions.***

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Right now, we are trying to figure out how long we'd want to stay, whether we want to try to make a mini-vacation out of it, etc. I'm thinking a condo in the area or just another hotel would do the trick, and maybe they will come to understand our thinking as the day gets closer. Probably not, but maybe. We are close to our niece and our kids adore her and vice versa, so we must go and the kids must go.

I know it's difficult, but you need to tell your niece and her clueless father as nicely as you can that three or four nights at a $400 per night hotel is just not in your budget. I would be upset at the "you haven't stayed in a hotel recently" comment, which is really offensive and insensitive. A wealthy friend of mine visited me recently and wouldn't tell me where she was staying. She kept ducking the question until I finally got her to admit she was staying at a very expensive hotel. She didn't want to flaunt her wealth, but of course she has a perfect right to stay in the type of hotel she's accustomed to. I appreciate that she didn't want me to feel badly. You niece's father sounds boorish, and your niece is just clueless about how real people live. Don't feel badly about enlightening her. She won't be offended you are staying in a cheaper place you can afford. If she's a nice person, she will get it, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the not so distant past, the hosts would put all out of town guests up in a hotel or other accommodation on their own dime, not the guests. I believe that even the remake of The Father of the Bride reflects this.

Maybe in the OP's situation it is another case of the 1-5%-ers thinking they're just middle class, and everyone should be able to sacrifice what they consider "only a little bit" for this special occasion.

Good luck OP! I hope you can find a way to participate without going broke or severing ties.

I went to a wedding on an island once, and yes, the parents of the bride did pay for the accommodations for all the guests. It was a smallish wedding, but there were no hotels on the island, so everyone stayed in private homes that were rented by the bride's parents. It was a lovely wedding. I didn't realize then how much it must have cost. Not luxurious accommodations, but comfortable, charming vacation homes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't have to be angry or worry about offending the bride and her parents. Make your own arrangements, smile, and move on. If they ask why, say XYZ hotel/condo works better for your family and change the subject.

Have a great time at the wedding! Don't fret about all this!