DH's family.....sigh.....

[Anonymous]

OP are you religious? If you are and you give to your church, you could honestly say that you can't stay at that hotel for religious reasons. That'll make him think about how they waste their money.

[Anonymous]

I once chose a suite hotel nearby for a destination. Not only was it cheaper, but it had a kitchen. I just said with young kids, I needed to have the mini-kitchen for snacks and food storage so I chose a hotel that had suites instead of regular hotel rooms. No one questioned me about that decision.

Find a cheaper place, then find some feature that the new place has the the host hotel doesn't and foist that off as your reason.

I don't think you need to lie, but you also don't need to make a big fuss. The more of an issue you make, the bigger it gets blown out of proportion and backfires. You will be the difficult one that just had to stage WWIII over a simple thing like where to stay for the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you religious? If you are and you give to your church, you could honestly say that you can't stay at that hotel for religious reasons. That'll make him think about how they waste their money.

Do people really think like this?!? Why would you deliberately try to offend or shame them for picking a nice destination for a wedding? Yes, it is inconvenient for family, but shameful? I think that your suggestion is just as offensive as choosing an expensive hotel without a cheaper option. Please don't do this, OP. It's childish. You can choose where you stay, you can even choose to do so for religious reasons, but to throw it in their face to make them think about how they waste their money is just judgmental and WRONG.

[Anonymous]

In the not so distant past, the hosts would put all out of town guests up in a hotel or other accommodation on their own dime, not the guests. I believe that even the remake of The Father of the Bride reflects this.

Maybe in the OP's situation it is another case of the 1-5%-ers thinking they're just middle class, and everyone should be able to sacrifice what they consider "only a little bit" for this special occasion.

Good luck OP! I hope you can find a way to participate without going broke or severing ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you religious? If you are and you give to your church, you could honestly say that you can't stay at that hotel for religious reasons. That'll make him think about how they waste their money.

Do people really think like this?!? Why would you deliberately try to offend or shame them for picking a nice destination for a wedding? Yes, it is inconvenient for family, but shameful? I think that your suggestion is just as offensive as choosing an expensive hotel without a cheaper option. Please don't do this, OP. It's childish. You can choose where you stay, you can even choose to do so for religious reasons, but to throw it in their face to make them think about how they waste their money is just judgmental and WRONG.

Actually I do find it shameful to pick a $400/night hotel for your destination wedding and expecting people to stay for 5 days! Even for my relatively well off family that would be beyond the pale.

[Anonymous]

OP here again, and wow, this thread got out of hand quick. Thanks to all for the valuable suggestions. Not sure they will be offended, but they will definitely want us to stay altogether. Unless we hit the lottery between now and then, that won't be happening and I am sure we won't be the only ones.

I don't plan to make a big deal out of it. They know our financial situation, in that they are aware that we make WAY less than them. I don't think they care; they are extreme narcissists. Anyways, they are wrapped up in their lives, as we are wrapped up in ours. I am going to assume they will offer several places to choose from to stay, but if they do not, I will be armed with that before I get the invite.

We are religious, but I would never throw that in their face. They waste plenty of money, but I wouldn't say that either. They are always buying new cars and gadgets and clothes and renovating their house and traveling the world (quite literally). I don't want to insult them; this whole trip is about the happy couple.

We will find something that works for us and do the best we can. We want to be there, so we will be there. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little miffed at spending what we'll be spending on a hotel, travel, etc. and then being expected to give an expensive gift too. We'll probably just do cash; they already have everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd find another place and stay there. If they're offended, just say that that hotel is what works for you.

Otherwise, skip the wedding.

Another +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you religious? If you are and you give to your church, you could honestly say that you can't stay at that hotel for religious reasons. That'll make him think about how they waste their money.

Do people really think like this?!? Why would you deliberately try to offend or shame them for picking a nice destination for a wedding? Yes, it is inconvenient for family, but shameful? I think that your suggestion is just as offensive as choosing an expensive hotel without a cheaper option. Please don't do this, OP. It's childish. You can choose where you stay, you can even choose to do so for religious reasons, but to throw it in their face to make them think about how they waste their money is just judgmental and WRONG.

Actually I do find it shameful to pick a $400/night hotel for your destination wedding and expecting people to stay for 5 days! Even for my relatively well off family that would be beyond the pale.

+1

And then to make a joke about, "don't stay in hotels often do you"?

Rude people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, and wow, this thread got out of hand quick. Thanks to all for the valuable suggestions. Not sure they will be offended, but they will definitely want us to stay altogether. Unless we hit the lottery between now and then, that won't be happening and I am sure we won't be the only ones.

I don't plan to make a big deal out of it. They know our financial situation, in that they are aware that we make WAY less than them. I don't think they care; they are extreme narcissists. Anyways, they are wrapped up in their lives, as we are wrapped up in ours. I am going to assume they will offer several places to choose from to stay, but if they do not, I will be armed with that before I get the invite.

We are religious, but I would never throw that in their face. They waste plenty of money, but I wouldn't say that either. They are always buying new cars and gadgets and clothes and renovating their house and traveling the world (quite literally). I don't want to insult them; this whole trip is about the happy couple.

We will find something that works for us and do the best we can. We want to be there, so we will be there. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little miffed at spending what we'll be spending on a hotel, travel, etc. and then being expected to give an expensive gift too. We'll probably just do cash; they already have everything.

Sounds like you have a good attitude, OP. Good luck and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you religious? If you are and you give to your church, you could honestly say that you can't stay at that hotel for religious reasons. That'll make him think about how they waste their money.

Do people really think like this?!? Why would you deliberately try to offend or shame them for picking a nice destination for a wedding? Yes, it is inconvenient for family, but shameful? I think that your suggestion is just as offensive as choosing an expensive hotel without a cheaper option. Please don't do this, OP. It's childish. You can choose where you stay, you can even choose to do so for religious reasons, but to throw it in their face to make them think about how they waste their money is just judgmental and WRONG.

Actually I do find it shameful to pick a $400/night hotel for your destination wedding and expecting people to stay for 5 days! Even for my relatively well off family that would be beyond the pale.

Unless you want your relatives to be justified in listing everything you've ever bought that was remotely luxurious, don't go there. Just book another hotel or condo or whatever, let them know where you are staying, and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Right now, we are trying to figure out how long we'd want to stay, whether we want to try to make a mini-vacation out of it, etc. I'm thinking a condo in the area or just another hotel would do the trick, and maybe they will come to understand our thinking as the day gets closer. Probably not, but maybe. We are close to our niece and our kids adore her and vice versa, so we must go and the kids must go.

Now that I have kids I find renting a condo or house is always easier with children. More space, other than a bedroom. You have a kitchen and can make food instead of having to rely on restaurants. and big plus if there is a washer/dryer. Just use this as an excuse. We had a wedding in Palm Springs a few months ago and found a great condo in a gated community across the street from the hotel. It was huge, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, a full kitchen and washer dryer. People were not sitting on top of each other, when the kids went to bed we had our own space to hang out and didn't need to sit in the bathroom (that's the worst), and we were able to eat on our own schedule without being at the mercy of restaurants. And it was wayyyyy cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Look on vrbo and Airbnb

[Anonymous]

This economic divide has been growing within our family for a few years now. At first, they seemed to be the same old people we enjoyed hanging with. But it's gotten strained over the years because it's all about where they went, who they saw, what they bought, some sick club they partied in, etc.

It's even more pronounced during holidays. We mostly keep our distance, but our kids are cousins so we try and hang out when they're in town.

It's harder now to try and shield our kids from what they have and what they do, because kids aren't stupid and they notice everything. Better for them to learn now that life isn't fair and that some people have their lives based on entirely the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't attend the wedding. Problem solved!

For some families, this would set off WWIII and it just isn't worth the problems it will cause.

Doormat mentality.

+1
Who needs to remain close to this family?

Are you one of those that thinks that doing ANYTHING at all that maybe you wouldn't choose to do or don't feel like doing for family or friends makes you a doormat? Guess what? Some people value their relationships as much as they value themselves- like everything in life balance is key. You don't have to be a doormat to have relationship obligations. You do have to be pretty damn self centered to never even consider them, IMHO

It's better to learn how to say "No" to things you can't afford than to worry about being self centered!

Right- which is why people are giving OP viable options. Not so black and white!

[Anonymous]

I'm not even sure why they'd have to know where you stay. You plan to attend all the activities and festivities - when everyone leaves to go to bed, will they be watching which hallway you walk down or if you go to the elevators or lobby to go to your room? You'll only be spending time sleeping and getting dressed in your room so how will they even know where you stay?