Boyfriend threw shirt in my face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the abortion OP?

We had only been dating a few months, had not discussed children, marriage, or even moving in together at that point; and ultimately i wasn't ready personally for motherhood at that time.
I mentioned the abortion because it;s something that brought us together and accelerated our relationship; made us realize how important we were together having been through such a difficult time and that maybe we did want children someday.

Before people start cutting the OP up for this, I was in a slightly similar situation. We'd been together longer than the OP and her boyfriend, but the experience of getting pregnant by accident and deciding (together) to end the pregnancy (for pretty much the same reasons as the OP, only I have a child from a previous marriage and like being a mom so the "not ready for motherhood" wasn't one of our reasons) ended up being a really strengthening experience for our relationship. During that month, I learned that now-DH and I are on the same page about priorities and that he is 100% supportive and reliable in a crisis (my ex was basically the opposite of reliable in a crisis). It really clarified for us the way we wanted our relationship to be, and we started taking steps to get to that place.

However, in the OP's case, it doesn't sound like that happened. OP, your boyfriend does not interact with you like a mature person able to be in an adult relationship. If you are invested in this relationship, which I do not believe you should feel obligated to be, please insist that you and your BF go see a couples counselor to learn how to communicate. You need to learn how to have disagreement without conflict.

OP Here.
I'm glad that your relationship was strengthened and you have someone that treats you right.
I absolutely agree with you. I am invested in this relationship 100%; and he was there for me when I needed him to be. I do think counseling is an option and would help us both develop a way where we can respect each other while still expressing our feelings.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many boyfriends have you lived with?

2. I moved into my own apartment when I was 22, I had been dating a guy for two years who I really cared about. I met his family, he seemed great. He traveled to the school we both attended and I ended up letting him move in with me. I made more money than him so I paid more and let him pay utilities. This was fine for a year. He started spending money on expensive shoes, clothes (and now his clothes caused a problem in this relationship), and drugs. I didn't understand why, if he had money, wouldn't offer to help with rent. He made pot brownies for my brothers, and myself (an attempt at bonding with them?) and they both had panic attacks and wanted to go to the hospital, but didn't want to call because he could get into trouble. I understood that, but I made it clear my family is more important than the threat of jail. He did not like that. I brought them to the hospital. He didn't get in trouble, but it changed my perspective on him. We eventually broke up, and I had him take his things out. We remained in contact but I eventually met my current boyfriend and moved on.

OP. Stop living with your boyfriends. That is all.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the abortion OP?

We had only been dating a few months, had not discussed children, marriage, or even moving in together at that point; and ultimately i wasn't ready personally for motherhood at that time.
I mentioned the abortion because it;s something that brought us together and accelerated our relationship; made us realize how important we were together having been through such a difficult time and that maybe we did want children someday.

Before people start cutting the OP up for this, I was in a slightly similar situation. We'd been together longer than the OP and her boyfriend, but the experience of getting pregnant by accident and deciding (together) to end the pregnancy (for pretty much the same reasons as the OP, only I have a child from a previous marriage and like being a mom so the "not ready for motherhood" wasn't one of our reasons) ended up being a really strengthening experience for our relationship. During that month, I learned that now-DH and I are on the same page about priorities and that he is 100% supportive and reliable in a crisis (my ex was basically the opposite of reliable in a crisis). It really clarified for us the way we wanted our relationship to be, and we started taking steps to get to that place.

However, in the OP's case, it doesn't sound like that happened. OP, your boyfriend does not interact with you like a mature person able to be in an adult relationship. If you are invested in this relationship, which I do not believe you should feel obligated to be, please insist that you and your BF go see a couples counselor to learn how to communicate. You need to learn how to have disagreement without conflict.

OP Here.
I'm glad that your relationship was strengthened and you have someone that treats you right.
I absolutely agree with you. I am invested in this relationship 100%; and he was there for me when I needed him to be. I do think counseling is an option and would help us both develop a way where we can respect each other while still expressing our feelings.

Thank you.

Good luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your gut. You need to break up. Work out some way of doing it. I'm trying really hard not to say something about getting a cat and a dog when you've only been living together 3 months ....

But yes, break up. His behavior towards you is a really bad sign and it will not get better.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I tried to break up with him.
He told me I over react and he still doesn't know where that shirt came from, even though I told him how it was most likely mixed up.
He said i'm clearly not going to change my mind and that I've got him all figured out, that he is a piece of shit (he has said that exact thing before, in many previous arguments).

He then laughs at me when I try to express myself about how he mistreats me.

It's a conversation that will be continued apparently, because he said he had to go we hung up.

He is.

Do break up with him. This is not going to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to derail the thread entirely, but I'm interested in hearing what others think: how bad is it to throw at shirt in someone's face? Is that abusive?

My boyfriend did that to me once in anger and it felt....just.....bad to be hit in the face. It irritated my eye a little bit but I wasn't actually hurt.

It opens the door to more serious abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the abortion OP?

We had only been dating a few months, had not discussed children, marriage, or even moving in together at that point; and ultimately i wasn't ready personally for motherhood at that time.
I mentioned the abortion because it;s something that brought us together and accelerated our relationship; made us realize how important we were together having been through such a difficult time and that maybe we did want children someday.

Before people start cutting the OP up for this, I was in a slightly similar situation. We'd been together longer than the OP and her boyfriend, but the experience of getting pregnant by accident and deciding (together) to end the pregnancy (for pretty much the same reasons as the OP, only I have a child from a previous marriage and like being a mom so the "not ready for motherhood" wasn't one of our reasons) ended up being a really strengthening experience for our relationship. During that month, I learned that now-DH and I are on the same page about priorities and that he is 100% supportive and reliable in a crisis (my ex was basically the opposite of reliable in a crisis). It really clarified for us the way we wanted our relationship to be, and we started taking steps to get to that place.

However, in the OP's case, it doesn't sound like that happened. OP, your boyfriend does not interact with you like a mature person able to be in an adult relationship. If you are invested in this relationship, which I do not believe you should feel obligated to be, please insist that you and your BF go see a couples counselor to learn how to communicate. You need to learn how to have disagreement without conflict.

OP Here.
I'm glad that your relationship was strengthened and you have someone that treats you right.
I absolutely agree with you. I am invested in this relationship 100%; and he was there for me when I needed him to be. I do think counseling is an option and would help us both develop a way where we can respect each other while still expressing our feelings.

Thank you.

A few hours ago you were trying to break up with him (and he "wasn't letting you"), and now you're 100% invested in this relationship? That is very disturbing, and substantially raises the odds that you are, in fact, in an abusive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the abortion OP?

We had only been dating a few months, had not discussed children, marriage, or even moving in together at that point; and ultimately i wasn't ready personally for motherhood at that time.
I mentioned the abortion because it;s something that brought us together and accelerated our relationship; made us realize how important we were together having been through such a difficult time and that maybe we did want children someday.

Before people start cutting the OP up for this, I was in a slightly similar situation. We'd been together longer than the OP and her boyfriend, but the experience of getting pregnant by accident and deciding (together) to end the pregnancy (for pretty much the same reasons as the OP, only I have a child from a previous marriage and like being a mom so the "not ready for motherhood" wasn't one of our reasons) ended up being a really strengthening experience for our relationship. During that month, I learned that now-DH and I are on the same page about priorities and that he is 100% supportive and reliable in a crisis (my ex was basically the opposite of reliable in a crisis). It really clarified for us the way we wanted our relationship to be, and we started taking steps to get to that place.

However, in the OP's case, it doesn't sound like that happened. OP, your boyfriend does not interact with you like a mature person able to be in an adult relationship. If you are invested in this relationship, which I do not believe you should feel obligated to be, please insist that you and your BF go see a couples counselor to learn how to communicate. You need to learn how to have disagreement without conflict.

OP Here.
I'm glad that your relationship was strengthened and you have someone that treats you right.
I absolutely agree with you. I am invested in this relationship 100%; and he was there for me when I needed him to be. I do think counseling is an option and would help us both develop a way where we can respect each other while still expressing our feelings.

Thank you.

PP here.

OP, I want you to recognize that what you are dealing with right now is pretty serious. This is a person who is not a respectful communicator. Regardless of whether it is abusive to throw a piece of clothing in someone's face and also regardless of where that piece of clothing came from, it is not and will never be acceptable to initiate a conversation about something by throwing something at a sleeping person. A better way for him to have handled the situation would be, upon noticing that it was not his shirt, to wake you up and say, "Hey, I found this shirt and it's not mine. Where did it come from?"

Your boyfriend's manner of disagreeing with you is pretty troubling. If it's a function of him not having experience in relationships, that is something that you guys can work on together. If it's a function of him just being an asshole, that's not really something that can be fixed, honestly. His baseline response is always going to be "asshole" even if you go to counseling every week for years.

I disagree with the poster above who thinks your relationship is doomed by going to counseling this early on. It sounds like your relationship had a rather rocky start. Counseling might help you guys clarify where you're going and how to get there together. If he's not willing to go, though? He's showing you who he is. Believe him and move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here.
I'm glad that your relationship was strengthened and you have someone that treats you right.
I absolutely agree with you. I am invested in this relationship 100%; and he was there for me when I needed him to be. I do think counseling is an option and would help us both develop a way where we can respect each other while still expressing our feelings.

Thank you.

Earlier today you said, "I want to break up with him. So badly."

You need to step back and at a minimum move out. You clearly do not have a handle on what is is that you want. As others have suggested, you need to fix yourself first.

[Anonymous]

If this is an abusive relationship, counseling not only may not help, but may make things worse. Abusers are notorious for being able to manipulate the therapy process to make themselves into the victim and conceal the abuse, which then results in the therapy process effectively telling the victim it's their fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is an abusive relationship, counseling not only may not help, but may make things worse. Abusers are notorious for being able to manipulate the therapy process to make themselves into the victim and conceal the abuse, which then results in the therapy process effectively telling the victim it's their fault.

So anyone who is in a relationship with issues should avoid counseling because some abusers manipulate the therapeutic process? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is an abusive relationship, counseling not only may not help, but may make things worse. Abusers are notorious for being able to manipulate the therapy process to make themselves into the victim and conceal the abuse, which then results in the therapy process effectively telling the victim it's their fault.

So anyone who is in a relationship with issues should avoid counseling because some abusers manipulate the therapeutic process? Really?

No, the person in a potentially abusive relationship should get individual counseling, and shouldn't get couples counseling until they've gotten a better handle on what's going on. And it's not just some abusers, it's lots of abusers. The odds are against it being a helpful thing for OP, and it could make things much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

I agree counseling will be the next step, together maybe, but individually a definite.

OP

[Anonymous]

How long has been treating you this way? Did it start when you moved in together? You're so young to have boxed yourself into such an unhealthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

He sounds crazy. I would break up now, before it gets worse