Inheritance- not even- how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Favoritism in a will creates bad feeling in the family, no matter what. The parents think "oh this one is doing better, so I will cut them out" That makes the one cut out feel that they are not appreciated for their success in life. Then the one who needs it the most feels like "mom and dad should have helped Me, me me more" It does not lead to family unity.

Love your children individually not equally. Maybe the one getting more actually needs it.

The OP mentioned she's dating a "millionaire," which means she can get dumped one too.

The OP is just petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Favoritism in a will creates bad feeling in the family, no matter what. The parents think "oh this one is doing better, so I will cut them out" That makes the one cut out feel that they are not appreciated for their success in life. Then the one who needs it the most feels like "mom and dad should have helped Me, me me more" It does not lead to family unity.

Love your children individually not equally. Maybe the one getting more actually needs it.

The OP mentioned she's dating a "millionaire," which means she can get dumped one too.

The OP is just petty.

Meant the sib inheriting the greater share. Since OP's not even a sibling and an in-law not sure why she's stewing about this.

[Anonymous]

Please, OP, don't take it out on the one who received most!

MIL told us she planned on giving DH and one his brothers more than their siblings, partly because they are the ones earning less.
I advised her to divide the inheritance equally, because I have seen first hand in my own family how poisonous inheritance feuds can be (my mother and her siblings fought in court for 25 years over their father's inheritance! Now some don't speak to each other).
I don't want any of my in-laws resenting us. However, I can't decide for MIL obviously.

Let it go, OP. The one who made this decision is now gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my parents left me more money, I would redistribute it to my sibs evenly. A relationship with my sibs is worth more than $$$

I've done both actually.

When my dad died, I received twice as much as my two brothers. I redistributed it so that we were even. It was a decent size estate, but not millions.

When my mom died, my youngest brother was in a world of trouble (unemployed, chronic sickness). My other brother and I redistributed her smallish estate so that youngest brother got 80% of it. He needed it.

You are a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in this situation. My father left more to one child than the others, and I was in the group that got less. All of us are roughly equally well off. No one is rich but we are all comfortable.

It stung being given half of what the favored sibling got. In my case, it really and truly was not about the money. When you find this out, you are grieving the loss of a loved one, and the inequity gets intertwined with the grief. When you're grieving you're not thinking rationally. It's a very emotional time, and inequity hurts. It takes you back to when you were a kid and so and so got treated better as the favorite.

Once I got past the intense grieving, the distribution hasn't bothered me. It's just not worth worrying about and there's nothing I can do about it so I don't even give it any thought anymore.

Do you have any sense of why your father did this? Sounds so painful.

yes, PP. i would like to hear your story if you feel like you can share. i suspect i will be in the same boat one day based on how i've been treated in comparison with my siblings. i am preparing myself for the feelings you describe because relationships mean more than money, so i know i must find peace. however, the pain of being the "unfavored" kid is hard to stomach. how did you work through the reminder of these painful memories?

The stated explanation was that the one who got more had more ongoing duties after the death, which is true. However, there is a strong cultural male preference and, you guessed it, the male child got the most and all female children got less. The gender preference was a huge issue for me growing up so this just brought it all back. I dealt with it through a lot of therapy and meditation. I now see my father as an imperfect man who did what he thought was right, and it was his decision to make. I don't agree with it and I would never do it but it doesn't make him a horrible person. Life and relationships are complicated. I still love and miss him.

PP, one thing that helps in some situations like this is to realize that you don't know why someone did what they did, so don't convince yourself that the reason is one that causes you pain. For example, you might think you got less because you are not the favorite, but it's possible that the sibling who got more needs it more for some reason that is unknown to you. Since you don't really know what the reason is, why not assume it could be one that doesn't cause you pain?

[Anonymous]

I see how it can hurt, op. But we need to remember inheritance is something extra. No one is entitled to any of it. That parents were just obviously closer to that son.

I think it's terrible to fight over wills. I am likely to be in my gramdmother's will. And knowing the other people who are also likely to be in it, there will probably be some kind of conflict over it. I have prepared myself to walk away from any inheritance rather than argue or have hard feelings about someone else's money. I would feel so disrespectful to my grandparents who earned that money literally through blood, sweat, and tears.