6yr old DS is a compulsive liar

[Anonymous]

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Of course I've done that. That is different from the poster who suggested I talk to the kid about ways he can get his bike. I've had repeated discussions with my kid about it, to include: you've known him a long time so let's focus in what we do lime about him, you don't have to like everything about everyone, why do you think he can't be trusted and/or lies, how lying can affect others and your relationship with others, that in this case lying May be like a problem and as a friend, maybe he could overlook some of it but not just believe everything the child says, etc. I don't consider those thing to be a sign of empathy towards this child. I think you've back pedaled on your advice to me. I do feel bad for the child, and I think it is so ingrained now, changing it will be very, very hard. I have never discussed it with any other family (don't talk behind his back).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Empathy is completely lacking in the adults on this board. Why would you think that is a quality they would want to teach their children? I'm not being sarcastic -- I've noticed that people posting on all threads show a total lack of empathy, even basic understanding of the motivations of others. It's pretty shocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Empathy is completely lacking in the adults on this board. Why would you think that is a quality they would want to teach their children? I'm not being sarcastic -- I've noticed that people posting on all threads show a total lack of empathy, even basic understanding of the motivations of others. It's pretty shocking.

Agree. About 90% of the posters on this board either don't want to know what motivates other people in distress or don't even have the cognitive and developmental capacity to "put themselves in another person's shoes." (ie., they have no capacity for empathy). I have even seen people post "I am not an empathetic person" as if that is a positive character trait. It's really scary to read posts from parents whose sole reaction is anger when their children are obviously in pain, and its really quite extraordinary to read posts from parents who want to humiliate their children as a means of dealing with a child's distress. I personally started out believing the OP was a troll but sadly I think this is a real post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Empathy is completely lacking in the adults on this board. Why would you think that is a quality they would want to teach their children? I'm not being sarcastic -- I've noticed that people posting on all threads show a total lack of empathy, even basic understanding of the motivations of others. It's pretty shocking.

Agree. About 90% of the posters on this board either don't want to know what motivates other people in distress or don't even have the cognitive and developmental capacity to "put themselves in another person's shoes." (ie., they have no capacity for empathy). I have even seen people post "I am not an empathetic person" as if that is a positive character trait. It's really scary to read posts from parents whose sole reaction is anger when their children are obviously in pain, and its really quite extraordinary to read posts from parents who want to humiliate their children as a means of dealing with a child's distress. I personally started out believing the OP was a troll but sadly I think this is a real post.

I agree. The posts about "friends" are also pretty extraordinary. It's as if people call someone a friend when they don't understand them or even like them. So strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Of course I've done that. That is different from the poster who suggested I talk to the kid about ways he can get his bike. I've had repeated discussions with my kid about it, to include: you've known him a long time so let's focus in what we do lime about him, you don't have to like everything about everyone, why do you think he can't be trusted and/or lies, how lying can affect others and your relationship with others, that in this case lying May be like a problem and as a friend, maybe he could overlook some of it but not just believe everything the child says, etc. I don't consider those thing to be a sign of empathy towards this child. I think you've back pedaled on your advice to me. I do feel bad for the child, and I think it is so ingrained now, changing it will be very, very hard. I have never discussed it with any other family (don't talk behind his back).

Bullshit. You have issues with the truth yourself and when you're called out on it, you backtrack. In your first post you said 'we see him about 5 days a week at swim' and daily at the bus stop. You said you noticed this kid lying when he was 4, you thought 40% of what came out of his mouth was a lie and "This kid spouts one out nearly every other sentence.'. You provided some pretty specific examples of what this kid said which clearly indicates you've seen this kid a lot. You then say you hardly see him, it's your DS that tells you this stuff.

The PP didn't tell you to help him plan to buy a new bike, she just suggested asking him a question that showed empathy to his feelings yet showed she knew what he'd said wasn't exactly true - because she's thinking you're telling the truth when you see this kid 5 days a week a swim practice and daily at the bus stop. It was an example of how to show empathy to a kid you knew was lying because he was desirous of something - which the examples you provided indicated. This was a kid that wanted a different reality than what he had. Yet, you latched onto that one question about the bike to build this whole scenario that someone is asking you to 'fix' a kid. When it's point out that isn't what was suggested, that it's not hard to show empathy and how you could do so, you backtrack and you hardly see the kid and that you've already done that. Riiiiiiight. Sure you have. What you say you've done with your kid isn't building empathy. You really have nothing to contribute to this thread because you really don't have interactions with a kid that lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a kid I see at the bus stop only. My kid sees him at swim but I don't. How, pray tell, in the 5 minutes we have at the bus stop with 11 other kids and 7 parents am I supposed to show empathy? This isn't a close friend nor am I friendly with the family. We knew each other a little more during the last preschool year 2 years ago but even then the kids weren't together.

Well, your children obviously tell you a lot about this kid. When they're regaling you with his latest whopper, you can show empathy by offering explanations for why this kid is lying. You don't have to excuse his behavior, you offer them a perspective and help them develop some empathy themselves. I'm doing this with my DS who has a classmate that's in foster care. I don't see this kid a lot but he seems nice enough even though what he says can be difficult to believe. I imagine a lot of what he says is wishful thinking and that he's had a lot of hurt and disappointment in his life. When I give my DS a different perspective, it helps him better understand people's behavior and what motivates them. It doesn't make it okay but it does make it more understandable and you never know how much a small kindness can mean to someone.

Of course I've done that. That is different from the poster who suggested I talk to the kid about ways he can get his bike. I've had repeated discussions with my kid about it, to include: you've known him a long time so let's focus in what we do lime about him, you don't have to like everything about everyone, why do you think he can't be trusted and/or lies, how lying can affect others and your relationship with others, that in this case lying May be like a problem and as a friend, maybe he could overlook some of it but not just believe everything the child says, etc. I don't consider those thing to be a sign of empathy towards this child. I think you've back pedaled on your advice to me. I do feel bad for the child, and I think it is so ingrained now, changing it will be very, very hard. I have never discussed it with any other family (don't talk behind his back).

Bullshit. You have issues with the truth yourself and when you're called out on it, you backtrack. In your first post you said 'we see him about 5 days a week at swim' and daily at the bus stop. You said you noticed this kid lying when he was 4, you thought 40% of what came out of his mouth was a lie and "This kid spouts one out nearly every other sentence.'. You provided some pretty specific examples of what this kid said which clearly indicates you've seen this kid a lot. You then say you hardly see him, it's your DS that tells you this stuff.

The PP didn't tell you to help him plan to buy a new bike, she just suggested asking him a question that showed empathy to his feelings yet showed she knew what he'd said wasn't exactly true - because she's thinking you're telling the truth when you see this kid 5 days a week a swim practice and daily at the bus stop. It was an example of how to show empathy to a kid you knew was lying because he was desirous of something - which the examples you provided indicated. This was a kid that wanted a different reality than what he had. Yet, you latched onto that one question about the bike to build this whole scenario that someone is asking you to 'fix' a kid. When it's point out that isn't what was suggested, that it's not hard to show empathy and how you could do so, you backtrack and you hardly see the kid and that you've already done that. Riiiiiiight. Sure you have. What you say you've done with your kid isn't building empathy. You really have nothing to contribute to this thread because you really don't have interactions with a kid that lies.

Wow, angry much. FWIW, I think you're the one off base. Read over it. I did...and see no inconsistencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Agree that all kids lie..white lie..fib...deny.. yatta yatta yatta. I'm ok with that & have realistic expectations. Constantly lying about ongoing offenses is just not ok. The hardest part on this struggle for us is honestly the STEALING. Absolutely not okay with us..under any circumstances...no exceptions. He didn't just steal once! I would say he has honestly been CAUGHT about once a month stealing something over the past year. Come on parents! Feel my complete and utter disappointment and shame. This is rock bottom .. completely drained and throwing my hands up in the air.

Take him to a child psychologist.