what do you say to neighbors about why you are choosing private vs the local public?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

'm not the OP, but the OP is correct on this point. If private schools didn't offer better education than public options, nobody would pay private tuition. The fact that many do pay private tuition proves the point, without a silly semantic debate over what defines "better.

Wait. So just because something is expensive, it's better? You are a salesperson's dream come true.

Not at all. If people pay for something, they find value in it -- which is the same thing as saying they find it better. Rational people balance price and value when they pay for things. If people are willing to pay more, people find the good valuable, i.e. better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We thought it would be a great fit for our DC."

I understand where you are coming from because I have gotten negative comments from people as well. A woman at the park actually said, "do you honestly think the money is worth it?" (And not in a nice way). I mean, clearly I think it's worth it, so the subtext is that I some insufferable snob for sending my kid to private school. There's no point to engaging because a defensive person will take anything you say as a referendum on her choice. Just smile, deflect, move on.

While you probably are not a snob, my first thought about people who send their kids to private schools is that they are elitist snobs. Right or wrong it is the first thought I have.

I am the original poster - and no, not a snob, and was hoping to get answers that had nothing to do with snobery or money, bc it's not about that. It's about thinking that the education your kids will get (and what that affords in life - take that how you want) will be superior than what the public system offers, and the price attached to that is that you need to pay for it. It is quite simple. But not all people can handle that answer.

Wow, you are a total twat. No wonder your neighbors don't like you. But I highly recommend you give that answer to all who even look your way.

I'm not the OP, but the OP is correct on this point. If private schools didn't offer better education than public options, nobody would pay private tuition. The fact that many do pay private tuition proves the point, without a silly semantic debate over what defines "better."

That's ridiculous! There are plenty of private schools that do not offer better education than public options. People choose private for many reasons - some want "prestige" and think paying more $ makes something better, some want a religious element, some want single gender education, some want small classes b/c their child is shy, some want automatic entrée to sports teams. Granted, whatever the reason, the person choosing the private BELIEVES it is better (for them) but it does not actually make the private OBJECTIVELY better.

In addition, there are some 2nd and 3rd rate private schools that offer inferior academics to those offered at top area publics.

None of this means there is anything wrong with choosing private. You just shouldn't fool yourself into believing that just because someone chooses it and pays for it, it's automatically better.

Well said, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are projecting OP. nobody really cares, and if they do they probably are asking a fact based question about why you made the choice.

This isn't true - it's sad - but it's amazing how much people care what other parents have chosen to do with their child's education. This isn't just private/public decision, but GT vs Not, Magnet vs Not....and even choice of sports, level of teams etc. I don't know why people care so much - but they do and sometimes they really really care! I personally don't care what other people choose and don't judge them for it. I assume they know what is best for their child and are doing the best they can to support their child to thrive emotionally and academically....and I move on!

I got so many obnoxious comments from neighbors - whether it be ones we knew well or ones I met for the first time neighborhood events or via sports. I try as much as possible to avoid the "where does your child go to school" discussion. But it always gets asked so now I say where our children go with matter of fact confidence and it mostly avoids the snarky questions. But I still get some questions and I can probably count on one hand the number of people whose questions have been sincere and are truly interested in what they have asked, rather than be a way to judge. I find people are more snarky if they live in the same school zone me compared to those that live in another zone....probably because their child goes to the exact school we have set aside. Even though I think that is a great school - the automatically assume I think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Agreed that ppl are interested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told people the truth. We have a great public school, but my DS was getting lost in it. The school was overcrowded and class sizes were really large. He was a good student and not a behavior problem, so he got lost in the shuffle. I wanted to see him excited about school and learning -- it just wasn't happening where he was. I always just say that while it is a great school, it wasn't the right fit for my kid. Most people just don't want you to put down their decision to stay in public. So, if you say that it was your child who needed something else (instead of complaining about the school), they don't get so defensive.

You realize that you are, in fact, saying that the public school isn't good enough. Nothing wrong with that. Just think it's funny that so many people are unwilling/uncomfortable saying that directly. Whoever hears your description above knows you are saying that the public wasn't good enough, but you sound manipulative and disingenuous to dance around that fact.

If someone asks you such a blunt question, they should be ready for an equally blunt answer. People can spot a phony (or a phony answer) from a mile away. I'll bet you'll be better received if you are just honest.

I completely agree PP.

Ha - I answered honestly once - and it had nothing to do with the local school. We thought our local school was great and we were glad to move to a house in this zone. It had everything to do with what preschool teachers had recommended would be best for our child's education moving forward. I am pro-public and it was actually a big leap for me to listen to what these teachers were telling us.

But, still, that "honest" conversation with my neighbor got ugly fast with the neighbor getting all huffy and defensive saying how I was wrong and the teachers recommendations were wrong because the public school would be great. It was really weird. I no longer say anything but one word answers to their questions about how school is going. Great, thanks.

And I also have a friend who is perfectly cordial but doesn't want to discuss school stuff with any substance because of her judgement of our decision. And yet another very close friend who I know doesn't agree with our choice but is a little better about just staying away from the subject.

These people have made up their minds - an honest answer isn't enough because they are firm that they wouldn't choose private, they don't think it is worth it and are never going to believe that whatever your reason for going private IS worth it. Sad - but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We thought it would be a great fit for our DC."

I understand where you are coming from because I have gotten negative comments from people as well. A woman at the park actually said, "do you honestly think the money is worth it?" (And not in a nice way). I mean, clearly I think it's worth it, so the subtext is that I some insufferable snob for sending my kid to private school. There's no point to engaging because a defensive person will take anything you say as a referendum on her choice. Just smile, deflect, move on.

While you probably are not a snob, my first thought about people who send their kids to private schools is that they are elitist snobs. Right or wrong it is the first thought I have.

I am the original poster - and no, not a snob, and was hoping to get answers that had nothing to do with snobery or money, bc it's not about that. It's about thinking that the education your kids will get (and what that affords in life - take that how you want) will be superior than what the public system offers, and the price attached to that is that you need to pay for it. It is quite simple. But not all people can handle that answer.

Wow, you are a total twat. No wonder your neighbors don't like you. But I highly recommend you give that answer to all who even look your way.

I'm not the OP, but the OP is correct on this point. If private schools didn't offer better education than public options, nobody would pay private tuition. The fact that many do pay private tuition proves the point, without a silly semantic debate over what defines "better."

I don't think the fact that people pay private fees proves that privates are better. It just means for that family, they are willing to pay for something the private gives them that they believe the public won't. Everyone values different things - it doesn't make one better than the other. A family may believe academics are better at a public school for reading and math - but place a high value on art, music and language offered at private. Another may believe public and private are equal on academics but believe their child's nature is such that a small class environment available at private is a better match. Another family may really wish that public schools had more physical activity and arts for their children but do not think the cost of private is worthwhile or in another case not affordable. It's not all black and white. As one person wrote on this thread - "we all make choices" and "NO school is perfect".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am the original poster - and no, not a snob, and was hoping to get answers that had nothing to do with snobery or money, bc it's not about that. It's about thinking that the education your kids will get (and what that affords in life - take that how you want) will be superior than what the public system offers, and the price attached to that is that you need to pay for it. It is quite simple. But not all people can handle that answer.

That is: "We chose the private school because it's better than that public school you send your children to."

If you're wondering why the neighbors react as though you were criticizing them -- it's because you are criticizing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a public parent (though I briefly toyed with the idea of private). I'm here because the private school online fights are really entertaining and snippy. I think the public school parents are a more earnest bunch, so the fights are more full of graphs and such.

so true!

That's because your charts and graphs are all you have.

One reason I (a public school parent) find the private school forum endlessly entertaining is because on the private school forum, having charts and graphs is a sign of inferiority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are projecting OP. nobody really cares, and if they do they probably are asking a fact based question about why you made the choice.

So very few people on DCUM actually send their kids to private school. many pretenders. Obviously the OP means the neighbors she knows. But the neighbors always ask, then when you say, they give you the frozen smile. Many of my former friends were very angry. Why the anger if they are so very please with the public?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told people the truth. We have a great public school, but my DS was getting lost in it. The school was overcrowded and class sizes were really large. He was a good student and not a behavior problem, so he got lost in the shuffle. I wanted to see him excited about school and learning -- it just wasn't happening where he was. I always just say that while it is a great school, it wasn't the right fit for my kid. Most people just don't want you to put down their decision to stay in public. So, if you say that it was your child who needed something else (instead of complaining about the school), they don't get so defensive.

This was the truth for us. Also, way too easy (I did not say that). But I did say this in the private interview. Although in some cases the teachers HAD helped my DS in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I am the original poster - and no, not a snob, and was hoping to get answers that had nothing to do with snobery or money, bc it's not about that. It's about thinking that the education your kids will get (and what that affords in life - take that how you want) will be superior than what the public system offers, and the price attached to that is that you need to pay for it. It is quite simple. But not all people can handle that answer.

That is: "We chose the private school because it's better than that public school you send your children to."

If you're wondering why the neighbors react as though you were criticizing them -- it's because you are criticizing them.

This is the root of the problem. Yes, private school parents sacrifice to pay for private schools because we believe the school we've chosen provides better opportunities than the local public. If we didn't think so, why would we pay so much? But it's YOU who choose to treat that as criticism of your children and your choices. It's your insecurity that's the problem. My choices are simply my choices, not criticism of yours.

[Anonymous]

See, you all should have been clever like me. I had the foresight to live in a really crappy school district. Nobody asks why we chose private. Anyone around here who can get out, does.

In all seriousness, I reduce the envious evil-eye by immediately sharing that we got major financial aid, for which we are very grateful. Then the evil-eye turns to intrigued. I think a lot of families have no idea of the financial aid that's available.

It's such a sensitive topic. Nobody asks their neighbor why their neighbor chose to buy a Jaguar and not a Toyota, but that's because cars are not the same as the well-being of our children. Nobody wants to hear the ugly answer that more money frequently can buy a better education. Not always, and it depends on the options that are available as far as public school goes. But often, yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how about a non-answer answer like "it was a really tough choice because the local public schools are so good"

Perfect! I like this answer. I'm going to use it. Thanks, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's such a sensitive topic. Nobody asks their neighbor why their neighbor chose to buy a Jaguar and not a Toyota, but that's because cars are not the same as the well-being of our children. Nobody wants to hear the ugly answer that more money frequently can buy a better education. Not always, and it depends on the options that are available as far as public school goes. But often, yeah.

Good comment. Very true.

[Anonymous]

My son attended a neighborhood preschool and I was definitely part of the "clique." The minute I told people we decided to send DS to private, the Queen Bee mother went from being warm and engaging and always inviting us for parties, playdates, etc., to completely cold. As she had previously made comments about being worried about the large classes in our public and her kids going to school with FARMS kids, I assume her treatment of me had more to do with her own insecurities about the neighborhood public than it did with me. Your decision to go private will bother some people but people won't care and usually, their reaction has nothing to do with you and your decision.

FWIW, I always said that our child needed smaller classes because he has ADHD traits.