Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is separated from her DH after 25 years of marriage. This guy sounds like your boyfriend. He had a terrible past, never talked about it. Over the years he would "cut off" people when he could not deal. Did not work through things. Very avoidant and, honestly, cowardly. Not great emotional intelligence. He cannot deal with his teen kids at all and avoids them emotionally, as well as his spouse.

He is the adult child of an alcoholic. He likely experienced abuse and is likely to never process any of it therapeutically. He will also be the first to think that he has just moved on and that he is very "normal." He can't recognize what healthy behaviors truly are because he never had role models growing up, and he is too fearful to address his past.

Big red flag. Would be a deal breaker for me.

Thissss!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just because someone doesn't process a painful childhood the way you think they should doesn't mean they haven't dealt with it. Geez, people. Not all of us define our adult lives by a crappy childhood we old not control. Personally, as a survivor of a crappy childhood I believe it is a sign of good mental health to move on and stop living in the past.


Please don't simplify things. You should feel some way about this, I am not sure exactly what way, but dammit you should feel some way about it. You cannot say you are in good mental health as a result of moving on. You must realize that you will be a bad parent and you will beat your wife and disappear because of your "crappy" childhood. I would even go so far as to suggest that you voluntarily submit to sterilization so as to assure that your bad "traits" are not passed down to your children. How dare you try and hide your pain. We know the truth about you even if you don't.

Please tell me this is sarcasm...with the crazies on tis board it isn't always easy to tell.

[Anonymous]

See...this is what Dr. Phil has done.
Turned every chick in America into a self-proclaimed expert psychotherapist who knows everything about everyone else's problems except her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just because someone doesn't process a painful childhood the way you think they should doesn't mean they haven't dealt with it. Geez, people. Not all of us define our adult lives by a crappy childhood we old not control. Personally, as a survivor of a crappy childhood I believe it is a sign of good mental health to move on and stop living in the past.


Please don't simplify things. You should feel some way about this, I am not sure exactly what way, but dammit you should feel some way about it. You cannot say you are in good mental health as a result of moving on. You must realize that you will be a bad parent and you will beat your wife and disappear because of your "crappy" childhood. I would even go so far as to suggest that you voluntarily submit to sterilization so as to assure that your bad "traits" are not passed down to your children. How dare you try and hide your pain. We know the truth about you even if you don't.

Please tell me this is sarcasm...with the crazies on tis board it isn't always easy to tell.

Read the thread. This is merely a summation of many posters positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See...this is what Dr. Phil has done.
Turned every chick in America into a self-proclaimed expert psychotherapist who knows everything about everyone else's problems except her own.

+1
That's right it's the media's fault!!!

[Anonymous]

Maybe this guy has already processed his past, has come to terms with what has happened and is ready to move forward. Going back and rehashing what can not be changed is not helpful to him.

The fact that he has opened up about this at all to you means that he is in fact processing this, letting you in...give him time, don't push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because someone doesn't process a painful childhood the way you think they should doesn't mean they haven't dealt with it. Geez, people. Not all of us define our adult lives by a crappy childhood we old not control. Personally, as a survivor of a crappy childhood I believe it is a sign of good mental health to move on and stop living in the past.

Please don't simplify things. You should feel some way about this, I am not sure exactly what way, but dammit you should feel some way about it. You cannot say you are in good mental health as a result of moving on. You must realize that you will be a bad parent and you will beat your wife and disappear because of your "crappy" childhood. I would even go so far as to suggest that you voluntarily submit to sterilization so as to assure that your bad "traits" are not passed down to your children. How dare you try and hide your pain. We know the truth about you even if you don't.

I hope that all the women who had crappy childhoods read this and realize that they aren't competent parents or spouses and that they should never have married or had kids. That includes everyone currently in therapy as obviously they haven't fully resolved their issues. And if you are a man married to a woman who had a crappy childhood or is in therapy with unresolved issues - get out now and get full custody of the kids. Otherwise your own kids will have a crappy childhood and themselves be destined to be being perceived the same way the guy Op spoke of is being perceived here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So are you saying you are no longer with him? I'm confused.

OP here, yes, I left after he became physically abusive.

You're better off figuring this out in counseling, not on a public forum.

I am in counseling.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP is a kind caring and concerned woman who just happens to carry around some pain/anger about her own childhood which she has yet to get past and subsequently she is transferring her anxiety onto her partner. The OP probably can't conceive someone just putting stuff behind them and moving on - hell she hasn't been able to. Either that or the OP is jealous and resentful of her partner because of his successful transition and as opposed to getting him to help her move past her own issues she's chosen to force him to admit he's stuck in the same quicksand of past problems as she is.

[Anonymous]

The sad part about this is the poor boyfriend who just wants to move on from his bad childhood. Now he has moved on to a relationship where he still cannot find peace. Only this time he is the adult and can choose his situation. I hope he leaves the nag and finds a more appreciative and respectful partner.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps PPs should read the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is separated from her DH after 25 years of marriage. This guy sounds like your boyfriend. He had a terrible past, never talked about it. Over the years he would "cut off" people when he could not deal. Did not work through things. Very avoidant and, honestly, cowardly. Not great emotional intelligence. He cannot deal with his teen kids at all and avoids them emotionally, as well as his spouse.

He is the adult child of an alcoholic. He likely experienced abuse and is likely to never process any of it therapeutically. He will also be the first to think that he has just moved on and that he is very "normal." He can't recognize what healthy behaviors truly are because he never had role models growing up, and he is too fearful to address his past.

Big red flag. Would be a deal breaker for me.

Thissss!!

This sounds like my ex.

[Anonymous]

New poster: I didn't read all 4 pages of this, only op and the first few pp's and I have to say that my boyfriend of 3 years comes from a situation similar.. Alcoholic mother, 4 divorces, his mother being beaten and eventully she stabbed husband ( he is still alive).. His mother is a very spiteful hateful person who is slowing trying to change ( thank god?)...

My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about his past life, we aknowledged it about a year into our relationship and while I still think he could benefit from counseling I have no concerns about marrying or having children with him. He is kind and gentle, something he learned fr
People being anything but to him. He has a healthy relationship with alcohol and doesn't allow it in his life more then a night out once a week - maybe.

What I'm saying is that if you see something worth while don't throw it away because of this behond his control. This is his way of dealing with it, he doesn't want to dwell - be happy about that