Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past

[Anonymous]

Would this be a red flag to you:

Incredibly bad childhood (primary caregiver alcoholic, divorced 6 times):

Guy I'm dating says:

No connection to a single former step Fathers, no sadness
Found out about one divorce when the real estate agent showed up, no emotion
Moved for a new parental marriage after getting into a prestigious school (TJ) and couldn't attend, no emotion
Etc...

Accepts everything as "yeah, and...?" Won't even admit or acknowledge that those are painful memories or experiences. Denies any emotion. Claims totally over it and has moved on. Red flag?

[Anonymous]

not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.

[Anonymous]

Uh, yeah. Feel sorry for the guy, and while I'm not a psychariatrist or psychologist I'd think that with that much emotional scarring in one's life, there are deep wounds. Sounds like he has buried it all dee down and usually that means the unresolved issues do manifest themselves in us life in different ways. You better believe it has had and will have an impact on his relationships.

Think twice - it sucks but do you want to take this on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.

AGREE!!!

[Anonymous]

I would be afraid to have children with this person.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it would be a red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholic caregiver is worse than the moving and other described instability. The dysfunction of alcoholism can last generations within family practices.

I would be concerned. It would not be a deal killer in itself. Any red flags with current behavior? How are his emotional responses to current situations and people?

Google adult child of alcoholics. Might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I would not expect him to be an open wound, no. People have a "social story" about these types of tragedies. You can't expect a therapy session, OP. That's not fair to him. How and when he opens up is called boundaries. He's not ready to let his down. Perhaps because you are judging him? Good for him for knowing that.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing more about your relationship with him and how close you two are, it's hard to say whether it's a red flag or not. Like 5:57 wrote, he's not going to readily open up. With the kind of childhood you describe, of course he's going to have defense mechanisms in place to hide his feelings from people who aren't very close to him. Many abused children come from families where vulnerability was a reason to attack.

That said, it sounds like you're not comfortable with his reactions, and that's something for you to consider carefully.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily a red flag. I am the child of an alcoholic parent, and as a result I do not like to "not be in control". As a result I am self sufficient, went to a top college, have a great job, kids, etc. It is my wife, who has the same view as the OP, that my childhood needs to be addressed more and those experiences dealt with. For me, that is the past, I had no control over those events and I live for the now and the future. I am happy. Do not try and open wounds that have healed. If he wants to talk about it, he will, and most likely will over time.

What exactly is he exhibiting other than controlled emotion that is giving you concern? If everyone controlled their emotions a little more and didn't let hormones and irrational knee jerk behavior rule them, then this board would become a desolate place. Is your real concern that he does not react in an emotional way like you would to those circumstances? If so, it is him I am worried for, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholic caregiver is worse than the moving and other described instability. The dysfunction of alcoholism can last generations within family practices.

I would be concerned. It would not be a deal killer in itself. Any red flags with current behavior? How are his emotional responses to current situations and people?

Google adult child of alcoholics. Might be helpful.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without knowing more about your relationship with him and how close you two are, it's hard to say whether it's a red flag or not. Like 5:57 wrote, he's not going to readily open up. With the kind of childhood you describe, of course he's going to have defense mechanisms in place to hide his feelings from people who aren't very close to him. Many abused children come from families where vulnerability was a reason to attack.

That said, it sounds like you're not comfortable with his reactions, and that's something for you to consider carefully.

Totally agree with this and 5:57. My upbringing was pretty horrific and ultimately led to my father and two brothers killing themselves within 5 years of each other (I was 20 when the first suicide happened). But, I'm shockingly normal. Yeah, it's affected me in some profound ways but I'm incredibly resilient and determined not to continue the legacy. My kids have LDs and when we do a social history for their IEPs, the staff are always shocked when they learn my history.

[Anonymous]

This is a guy you are dating not you're freaking boyfriend of 8 months, not your fiancee, not your husband...its a guy you're dating!!! What the hell do expect him to just open up and share every intimate detail of his inner emotional self to you over after a couple movies? Uh...I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.

I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.

The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a guy you are dating not you're freaking boyfriend of 8 months, not your fiancee, not your husband...its a guy you're dating!!! What the hell do expect him to just open up and share every intimate detail of his inner emotional self to you over after a couple movies? Uh...I don't think so.

We've been dating for 2 years.