Would this annoy you or am I being ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you are still buying her kids presents. It really sounds to me like she'd prefer not to bother with it.

+1 Say, "hey, sis, should we just quit with the presents for each other's kids? let's just do cards."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 16:06 definitely got to the bottom of one part of the issue: Amazon 1 click. I have mailed so many gifts to myself instead of to the correct recipient by forgetting to change the shipping address. I don't mean to be a spaz, but I am.

Sounds like your SIL is just a little spazzy. Stop keeping score You sound like a ninny.

Glad you said this. SIL said she sent our DDs a gift "but went to herself" I thought, sub conscious desire to gift self? But now I know it is just technology! Gift arrived late, but that is fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you think about birthday presents two months in advance if you happen to be visiting tells me that you think birthday presents for cousins are very important and that you enjoy and/or feel obligated to spend lots of time thinking about things like birthday presents for cousins. The fact that she rarely even buys a gift and doesn't feel that it's all that important to get them to you on time tells me she doesn't even want to do cousin gifts and wishes you would just stop, but feels obligated since you make such a big deal about it and spend the money every year.
I am like your sister-in-law, so I understand not wanting to do gifts with everyone - especially if you live out of state and don't even know the kids well enough to pick out something they would want (her asking you for suggestions makes me think she doesn't even know them well enough to know what to get). It seems like a silly exercise to me - tell me exactly what to buy and then I'll buy your kid something and you spend the exact same money to buy my kid something. And if you don't ask, you end up with something you don't want anyway.

I personally think the fact that you're thinking about this at all and that you know every little detail about it is just looking for drama. She doesn't think gifts are that important - she's doing it because she feels obligated because you're making way too big a deal out of it. If you want to continue giving her kids gifts, do so because you enjoy gifting. If you give gifts only with the expectation of having someone feel the same way about gifts that you do and thus return in kind, then do her a favor and agree to stop exchanging gifts.

+100 Who has an extra $50 to pass back and forth? And what purpose does it serve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what is your and your inlaws' ethnic/religious background?

I'm guessing you are Jewish (higher expectations when it comes to gifts and family interactions) and your inlaws are WASPs (lower maintenance/less guilt trips but downside is sometimes you don't get a gift or even phone call on your bday).

Basing this on my own family in law dynamics, maybe I'm wrong....

Holy moly. Yes all Jewish people are greedy and guilt you overly. All.

[Anonymous]

OP here: here is an update. Kids have a four day break from school this weekend so mother in law got tickets last week to come here. Recall sister in law previously told me the bought the present and already shipped it to me and days later said she shipped it to herself? Well, mother is law called tonight to say she asked my sister in law (her daughter) if she could swing by for the gifts since she was coming here. Sister in law said she hasn't bought them yet. WTF with the lies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here is an update. Kids have a four day break from school this weekend so mother in law got tickets last week to come here. Recall sister in law previously told me the bought the present and already shipped it to me and days later said she shipped it to herself? Well, mother is law called tonight to say she asked my sister in law (her daughter) if she could swing by for the gifts since she was coming here. Sister in law said she hasn't bought them yet. WTF with the lies?

There is your answer and future plan: no more gifts.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like SIL feels obligated to buy gifts for your children because you buy for hers. Hence the lies.

If you're a gift-giver then continue to give gifts with no expectations of anything in return. If SIL gives gifts, fine. If not, fine. If they're months late, whatever. If she comes up with another story, just say "Oh don't worry about it. The kids are fine. They got tons of presents for their birthdays already." That will take the pressure off.

I suspect she may not reciprocate in the way you'd like because she may not have the money. Why else would she not buy gifts for neices and nephews when she said she had?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: here is an update. Kids have a four day break from school this weekend so mother in law got tickets last week to come here. Recall sister in law previously told me the bought the present and already shipped it to me and days later said she shipped it to herself? Well, mother is law called tonight to say she asked my sister in law (her daughter) if she could swing by for the gifts since she was coming here. Sister in law said she hasn't bought them yet. WTF with the lies?

I don't know, is she typically a liar? Is she usually on the up and up, and therefore this behavior surprises you? If a relative says they have a gift for me, but never gives it to me (or my child), I just forget about it. I would never make an issue out of it. There are many reasons a person might not give you a gift, even if she said she would...maybe she can't afford it, maybe she's in a really stressful situation and therefore is procrastinating, maybe she seriously can't remember to buy it, maybe she knows she's digging herself deeper into this hole and is embarrassed. The fact is, nobody owes your child a gift regardless of the situation.

[Anonymous]

I 100% would LOVE to drop the gift giving. That isn't how my husband's family works. They exchange gift lists well in advance of a holiday/celebration and expect the giver to stick strictly to the gifts. Over Xmas an aunt said she stopped doing so much gift exchanging b/c it was a lot of work and SIL said she'd never want to stop and loves giving and receiving. Money isn't an issue. Again this isn't a huge deal to me, just don't of irksome. Oh well, I think the solution is that when she asks what my kids want to give her a list of things that aren't a big deal so if we get them, great. (I suggested this special digital drawing board, which isn't expensive but np know my kid would love it and now I can't get it, cant suggest it as a gift when someone else asks for an idea, and my kid doesnt have it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 100% would LOVE to drop the gift giving. That isn't how my husband's family works. They exchange gift lists well in advance of a holiday/celebration and expect the giver to stick strictly to the gifts. Over Xmas an aunt said she stopped doing so much gift exchanging b/c it was a lot of work and SIL said she'd never want to stop and loves giving and receiving. Money isn't an issue. Again this isn't a huge deal to me, just don't of irksome. Oh well, I think the solution is that when she asks what my kids want to give her a list of things that aren't a big deal so if we get them, great. (I suggested this special digital drawing board, which isn't expensive but np know my kid would love it and now I can't get it, cant suggest it as a gift when someone else asks for an idea, and my kid doesnt have it).

Give this expectation, obligation and responsibility of a gift giving process back to your DH. He may fail to communicate with his family, come up with the lists or purchase the gifts. Who cares? If that is the case gift giving will dwindle with this method, but if your SIL and DH are not worried about keeping up this family rule, why should you be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I 100% would LOVE to drop the gift giving. That isn't how my husband's family works. They exchange gift lists well in advance of a holiday/celebration and expect the giver to stick strictly to the gifts. Over Xmas an aunt said she stopped doing so much gift exchanging b/c it was a lot of work and SIL said she'd never want to stop and loves giving and receiving. Money isn't an issue. Again this isn't a huge deal to me, just don't of irksome. Oh well, I think the solution is that when she asks what my kids want to give her a list of things that aren't a big deal so if we get them, great. (I suggested this special digital drawing board, which isn't expensive but np know my kid would love it and now I can't get it, cant suggest it as a gift when someone else asks for an idea, and my kid doesnt have it).

OK, now you're really reaching for reasons to be irked with your SIL.

The logic is this: your SIL did not give your kid the digital drawing board. Therefore, you are free to buy it for him or suggest it for somebody else.

If the SIL later gives your kid the gift, you can exchange it or regift it.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don't buy gifts for family nor expect any gifts from anyone. Geez!

[Anonymous]

Just forget the whole gift giving thing. It's not supposed to be about keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL feels obligated to buy gifts for your children because you buy for hers. Hence the lies.

If you're a gift-giver then continue to give gifts with no expectations of anything in return. If SIL gives gifts, fine. If not, fine. If they're months late, whatever. If she comes up with another story, just say "Oh don't worry about it. The kids are fine. They got tons of presents for their birthdays already." That will take the pressure off.

I suspect she may not reciprocate in the way you'd like because she may not have the money. Why else would she not buy gifts for neices and nephews when she said she had?

I suspect she is having financial problems and her mom takes on the gifts as a way of support to maintain her pride.

Some g'mas really like to insert themselves into the relationships between siblings (especially sisters/sisters in law) and will always defend or side with their own kid.

My late MIL insisted if we sent a card or a donation when someone passed that it be sent to her house, and she'd mail it for us. When I pointed out this was silly and we'd send it straight to the family, she was offended. She wanted her offspring to pitch in and send a group present/donation. We are talking about $10 here.

I am biased, but I really think your MIL is a puppetmaster here (even a well-meaning one) not a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what is your and your inlaws' ethnic/religious background?

I'm guessing you are Jewish (higher expectations when it comes to gifts and family interactions) and your inlaws are WASPs (lower maintenance/less guilt trips but downside is sometimes you don't get a gift or even phone call on your bday).

Basing this on my own family in law dynamics, maybe I'm wrong....

Holy moly. Yes all Jewish people are greedy and guilt you overly. All.

Um, I never said all. Specifically said based on my own family dynamics. And I never said greedy. My posting could just as well imply Jewish people tend to be more generous gift givers than WASPs, which is my own personal experience. Everyone I know, related and just friends, who are Jewish, tend to give very good shower, wedding, and bar mitzvah gifts. Like in the 100 to 250 dollar range. I only give gifts that cost that much if a sibling or niece etc is getting married. No way do I shell out 150 bucks for my friend's kid's wedding or bar mitzvah. When my brother married someone Jewish, the difference in present quality was stunning. (Wasps tended to give presents between 30 and 70 bucks on average, the Jewish guests often gave 100 to 250.)

Not really relevant to this thread tho, except I do think different families have way different standards and place different levels of importance in formality in gift giving. In my family it's no big deal to send the present late or call to say happy birthday a few days late. My brother's MIL on the other hand would make it known she was not happy if they forgot her birthday.