Adoption costs?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same situation, right down to the Ashermans and the son. We've done 5 FETs and had three miscarriages. It sucks. I'm right now trying to accept that this is it. I just finished a rather good collection of essays called "Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo". It's helped... A bit.

It ain't easy, though. I hear ya.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry. I know this is very painful.

Signed,
The mother of an only and the wife of an only who both are amazing people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a reason you won't consider international adoption from a country that has an ethical adoption process? I know it varies a lot, but almost all my friends who adopted internationally (including myself) had less expenses than those who adopted domestically.

Yes, I have lots of reasons, and I'm not going to go into them here. Let's just say that ethical process or not, I know several international adult adoptees and I think that, if you are going to adopt internationally you must commit to a lifelong engagement with that country and that culture. We're not prepared to do that.

Pp here. Fair enough and wise of you. I am an international adult adoptee who returned to my country of origin to adopt my own child.

I assume from your second reply to me about costs that you've decided to not pursue adoption due to costs. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have posted, as I thought you were still considering how to finance it. I should've read more. I will say though that just as an FYI, our adoption cost $23k and we were able to claim the full credit, which at the time was $13k.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. I appreciate that. We're still going to speak with Catholic Charities, because we've heard their process is different and that they have a cap on expenses. We'll evaluate how we feel after that but right now, I'm leaning toward no. I'm feeling like we can spend our financial and emotional resources on chasing something that may never happen, or we can spend them on our family as it is and build amazing experiences through travel, etc. I'm not kidding myself that my heart will still ache occasionally, but I guess everyone has their cross to bear. I have a great DH, an amazing little boy, wonderful family and friends, a nice house, a good career, etc. It occurred to me yesterday that it might feel good to focus on all that after the heartbreak of the past year. I've been stuck in a moment I can't get out of, as the song goes. I really need to get out of it one way or another, because it's not good for any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry. I know this is very painful.

Signed,
The mother of an only and the wife of an only who both are amazing people.

Thank you. I have no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the same situation, right down to the Ashermans and the son. We've done 5 FETs and had three miscarriages. It sucks. I'm right now trying to accept that this is it. I just finished a rather good collection of essays called "Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo". It's helped... A bit.

It ain't easy, though. I hear ya.

Thanks. I appreciate all the words of support. It sounds stupid but strangers on the internet are my only refuge. All of my friends save one have multiple kids, and the one that doesn't is happily by choice. I personally know no one who's ever dealt with Asherman's, and it is lonely as hell. The people who love me mean well, but they don't get it. If one more person says, why don't you just XYZ?" I am going to lose it. Sometimes I think people think adoption is some easy choice like hey, I'll just go pick up a baby at the store today! They don't consider all of the ethical, legal, moral, or financial impacts of their "simple" solutions. They don't think about the emotional burden of going from one medical expert to the next, being poked and prodded, answering the same questions over and over, including "did you have complications with your first?". As if I am supposed to know why the hell a supposedly routine c-section ended im uterine scarring so severe that both my tubes are blocked. As if it makes a damned bit of difference one way or another.

Okay. Rant over. Just.....fuck!

[Anonymous]

Oh OP hugs, peace and love to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered adopting from foster care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adopting from foster care?

No. It's important to know yourself, and it's not right for me. I admire people who can do that. I'm not that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're hoping the tax credit will reimburse you cash for adopting? Seriously?

Well, yes, that's pretty much how it works. As in, I pay a ton of money toward my adoption, some of it on my credit card and borrowing from other sources. The next year when I file my taxes, I get a large adoption credit and therefore get a large sum of money back. Yay, I can now pay off the debt I incurred from the adoption. Or, put the money in my pocket. That's how tax credits work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adopting from foster care?

No. It's important to know yourself, and it's not right for me. I admire people who can do that. I'm not that person.

Or maybe it's not quite what you think? You *do* have some control at every point in the process, including the decisions about which children you allow into your home, and which children you allow to remain in your home.

Also want to encourage you to re-explore international. Maintaining the link to the birth culture can be done in a very low-key way. Also, not all children have a deep desire to be connected to birth culture. This is something that can happen more organically as the child gets older -- it doesn't have to be an intense, expensive, energy-draining process right out of the gate. Most kids just assimilate as Americans.

We began our international adoption journey through this organization:
www.newhorizonsforchildren.org

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adopting from foster care?

No. It's important to know yourself, and it's not right for me. I admire people who can do that. I'm not that person.

Or maybe it's not quite what you think? You *do* have some control at every point in the process, including the decisions about which children you allow into your home, and which children you allow to remain in your home.

Also want to encourage you to re-explore international. Maintaining the link to the birth culture can be done in a very low-key way. Also, not all children have a deep desire to be connected to birth culture. This is something that can happen more organically as the child gets older -- it doesn't have to be an intense, expensive, energy-draining process right out of the gate. Most kids just assimilate as Americans.

We began our international adoption journey through this organization:
www.newhorizonsforchildren.org

Foster parent here. OP, do NOT listen to this person. If you don't think foster care is for you, then it isn't. While it's technically true that you can choose not to allow a child to remain in your home, that should be an ABSOLUTE last resort. Kids in foster care have already experienced loss, grief, and attachment disruptions by being pulled from their families of origin - getting tossed from a foster family is another loss that just chips away at their little souls. It's heartbreaking. And while you can choose which children to allow into your home theoretically, the agency may not know everything about the kid, or, worse yet, sometimes they mislead you in order to get you to take a kid. And then see above, re: disruptions. It's hard on kids.

Don't be a foster parent unless you're ready to really take it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're hoping the tax credit will reimburse you cash for adopting? Seriously?

Well, yes, that's pretty much how it works. As in, I pay a ton of money toward my adoption, some of it on my credit card and borrowing from other sources. The next year when I file my taxes, I get a large adoption credit and therefore get a large sum of money back. Yay, I can now pay off the debt I incurred from the adoption. Or, put the money in my pocket. That's how tax credits work.

Assuming you have a child by next year. It took us 5 years to adopt. We got nothing back till we finalized and given what we paid, the adoption tax credit barely put a dent into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

.

Or maybe it's not quite what you think? You *do* have some control at every point in the process, including the decisions about which children you allow into your home, and which children you allow to remain in your home.

Foster parent here. OP, do NOT listen to this person. If you don't think foster care is for you, then it isn't. While it's technically true that you can choose not to allow a child to remain in your home, that should be an ABSOLUTE last resort. Kids in foster care have already experienced loss, grief, and attachment disruptions by being pulled from their families of origin - getting tossed from a foster family is another loss that just chips away at their little souls. It's heartbreaking. And while you can choose which children to allow into your home theoretically, the agency may not know everything about the kid, or, worse yet, sometimes they mislead you in order to get you to take a kid. And then see above, re: disruptions. It's hard on kids.

Don't be a foster parent unless you're ready to really take it on.

Another former foster parent here. I totally agree with this poster and just want to add, think about what message it will send to your other if you send back a foster child because you can't handle him/her.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. We went with an out-of-state facilitation agency that's basically a marketing agency who vets potential adoptive parents and expectant mothers. The price was about $14k and we hired our own social worker and will hire our own lawyers. This allows us to control various parts of the process - we got to choose who did our home study, for example, and get to choose who our lawyers are in VA and wherever the state ist hat we end up matched. It's not perfect, but it still allows us some control (and we're not open to birth parent expenses above a certain amount and for certain expenses.. I'm not paying anyone's cable, for example.)
Good luck to you.
OH and on the tax credit.. I can't claim my fees paid in 2013 until 2014 tax year - so over a year from now before I get them back (this would be different if I had finalized this year - there's a one year waiting period if you haven't finalized.) To answer the question about "what if I paid $20k in birth expenses for an adoption that fails?" - you can still claim fees to an agency for failed adoptions. You can't claim things like cellphone payments for an expectant mom.