Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?

[Anonymous]

Oh MIL/DIL relations. My MIL can drive me insane. She is very gruff but thinks she's kind and soft. She prefers yelling over a room to actually sitting down and having a conversation with someone. She never thinks we spend enough time with her, then when we are at her house, she ignores us to do chores and rarely sits down to actually talk to us. Then when it's time to leave, oh all the questions start coming out to delay our departure. It's maddening. She has in the past acted like a child and pouted when things didn't go exactly her way. I'm not used to adults acting like children, so I am sure occasionally I offend her because I mostly ignore that kind of stuff because it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

However. She's a good person. I don't agree with the way she acts a lot of the time, but at her core, she's not a bad person. I know she'll be a loving grandmother to our kids, even if I don't like the way she'll do everything. Plus, my husband loves her, faults and all. So I do my best to love her too, because she raised the man I adore so much. She deserves my respect for that reason alone. It's a work in progress, and probably always will be, but I'm willing to work at it to find a nice balance where we can both (usually) be happy. I don't think we'll ever be best friends or super close, but I do think that as we move forward we will be respectful, loving family members.

And yes, I'm taking notes on all the ways I'm going to try to be a better MIL when the time comes. God help everyone with a son.

[Anonymous]

When I read that DILs want an understanding and compassionate MIL, it makes me think that one problem may be expecting too much from the relationship. Maybe a relationship that's more formal is better. Or at least understand that if the MIL isn't warm and touchy-feely it isn't emotional neglect but may be respect for boundaries. I don't think I'd want/or expect my MIL to act like my friend or act like she is a mother to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read that DILs want an understanding and compassionate MIL, it makes me think that one problem may be expecting too much from the relationship. Maybe a relationship that's more formal is better. Or at least understand that if the MIL isn't warm and touchy-feely it isn't emotional neglect but may be respect for boundaries. I don't think I'd want/or expect my MIL to act like my friend or act like she is a mother to me.

I'm the PP you are referring to and I understand I wasn't clear on using understanding and compassionate. I left out all the details, deliberately. My first child had many, many medical issues and the unhelpful, ignorant comments and finger pointing that went on was astounding. I never did anything right and that sentiment has remained alive. I do expect most people to have civility and manners, not just MIL. I definitely don't need touchy-feely but the lack of any boundaries is cause for concern and eventually one loses respect for someone who has shown none. It's a two-way street. I really don't want to be my friend/mother to me. I just wanted a normal, nice MIL who enjoys her grandkids presence once a year at least. That's all. Bonus points if they can speak nicely and warmly about DH (and people in general) instead of bashing and gossiping about them. I feel like understanding and compassion is a human trait that everyone has to some extent. In my MIL, it seems to be missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh MIL/DIL relations. My MIL can drive me insane. She is very gruff but thinks she's kind and soft. She prefers yelling over a room to actually sitting down and having a conversation with someone. She never thinks we spend enough time with her, then when we are at her house, she ignores us to do chores and rarely sits down to actually talk to us. Then when it's time to leave, oh all the questions start coming out to delay our departure. It's maddening. She has in the past acted like a child and pouted when things didn't go exactly her way. I'm not used to adults acting like children, so I am sure occasionally I offend her because I mostly ignore that kind of stuff because it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

However. She's a good person. I don't agree with the way she acts a lot of the time, but at her core, she's not a bad person. I know she'll be a loving grandmother to our kids, even if I don't like the way she'll do everything. Plus, my husband loves her, faults and all. So I do my best to love her too, because she raised the man I adore so much. She deserves my respect for that reason alone. It's a work in progress, and probably always will be, but I'm willing to work at it to find a nice balance where we can both (usually) be happy. I don't think we'll ever be best friends or super close, but I do think that as we move forward we will be respectful, loving family members.

And yes, I'm taking notes on all the ways I'm going to try to be a better MIL when the time comes. God help everyone with a son.

I agree with this! My MIL and I have had our differences. But she has had differences with all of her SILs and DILs at some point. 90% of the time she is fine and 10% of the time my blood pressure is through the roof. Still I do my best to remember how great of a man she raised and how much she really loves my kids. Also, I recognize my part in our disagreements. I'm not innocent and I am more sensitive comments coming from her. My husband is more at ease and enjoys his mother's visits more because there is less tension in the house.

Conversely, when my Mom is being a shit to my SIL, I try to get her to let it go. See things from SIL's point of view or simply remind her that SIL didn't have a mother growing up and much of mothering is learned, not instinct.

In the end both DILs and MILs could learn to be nicer, speak kinder and ignore the little things.

[Anonymous]

These threads are why I don't want any sons. I really think women are so competitive with each other hence why a lot of MIL/DIL relationships break down.

Luckily I get along well with my own MIL. We are not best friends, but I respect her because she gave DH life and raised him to be the awesome man he is.

I also would not advise any woman to marry into a family if she has that much hatred for a man's mother. It would save some of you ladies a lot of marital drama.

[Anonymous]

I am so jealous of my best friend. Her in-laws are awesome. They help out and and are laid back and fun. They take the grand kids and my friend and her husband go on fancy vacations as a couple. Her MIL is generous and loves her DIL.

I got crap.

I am going to warn my kids before they get married. Watch out what type of family you marry into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

Coming up on my 1 year cut off anniversary - best year of my married life!

4 years for me - positive impact on my marriage!

congrats, btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

best feeling ever, right?

I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!

Well, let's see, Marital Counselor . . .

My own SILs (all three) barely tolerate MIL. So since I'm not blood, I owe her nothing. In fact, I don't even owe my own relatives respect if they can't respect me.

my life, my family
'
btw - I have a mother who's AWESOME! And my MIL hates the relationship I have with my mother.

sick, twisted dynamics of which I want no part

best four years of my life, best four years of my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, my MIL is mentally ill (diagnosed, medicated when she deigns to take her meds) and an alcoholic. She expects me to continue all the denial and walking on eggshells behavior around her that her kids do because they grew up in a household with a mentally ill alcoholic. It is incredibly important to me not to teach my own children that pattern of living and relating, so I stick up for myself and don't tolerate her BS. Which makes me the bad guy rocking the boat. Oh well.

We must have the same MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

best feeling ever, right?

I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!

Well, let's see, Marital Counselor . . .

My own SILs (all three) barely tolerate MIL. So since I'm not blood, I owe her nothing. In fact, I don't even owe my own relatives respect if they can't respect me.

my life, my family
'
btw - I have a mother who's AWESOME! And my MIL hates the relationship I have with my mother.

sick, twisted dynamics of which I want no part

best four years of my life, best four years of my marriage

After many, many years (yes, years) of arguments with DH over MIL's treatment of me, DH has finally come around to the notion that I do not need to see her, visit her or invite her to our house. However, DH and kids are more than welcome to go over to her house (she lives ten minutes away; doesn't like kids at her house because "they are messy") or go on outings with her. DH came to this realization on his own and after marital counseling. I agreed promptly!!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is an irrepressible gossip. Tell her something, anything, and expect that soon, everyone in her (increasingly smaller) social and familial circle will know the details.

Yet, she fails to make the connection between me not talking to her freely and her rumor-spreading. To her, I'm uptight and guarded and boring. I must because I've been burned and refuse to be a victim.

We have vastly different ideas about raising children; she's hyper-focused on appearance, for example, and thinks nothing of blithely calling my teen daughter's friends "chubby" or "heavy" to DD.

MIL talks about women she admires "who work" and mentions this phrase ever chance she gets. Meanwhile, I'm a SAHM by choice.

[Anonymous]

All of this makes me thankful for my MIL. I got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read that DILs want an understanding and compassionate MIL, it makes me think that one problem may be expecting too much from the relationship. Maybe a relationship that's more formal is better. Or at least understand that if the MIL isn't warm and touchy-feely it isn't emotional neglect but may be respect for boundaries. I don't think I'd want/or expect my MIL to act like my friend or act like she is a mother to me.

Thanks for this post. Oh how I wish my mil would stop trying to turn our relationship into a touchy feely mother daughter relationship. I dont have a touchy feely emotional relationship with my own mother and i really feel uncomfortable relating any differently to mil. I just want a formal relationship that respects boundaries. Im not her daughter, I don't want to call her mom. Why is a distant but respectful mil dil relationship such a bad thing?

I'll probably have a DIL who wants a highly emotional, close relationship with me ad will be totally put off by my distancing...karma will get me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

best feeling ever, right?

I wonder if it will feel great when your son and DIL cut you off? Awesome!

Well, let's see, Marital Counselor . . .

My own SILs (all three) barely tolerate MIL. So since I'm not blood, I owe her nothing. In fact, I don't even owe my own relatives respect if they can't respect me.

my life, my family
'
btw - I have a mother who's AWESOME! And my MIL hates the relationship I have with my mother.

sick, twisted dynamics of which I want no part

best four years of my life, best four years of my marriage

After many, many years (yes, years) of arguments with DH over MIL's treatment of me, DH has finally come around to the notion that I do not need to see her, visit her or invite her to our house. However, DH and kids are more than welcome to go over to her house (she lives ten minutes away; doesn't like kids at her house because "they are messy") or go on outings with her. DH came to this realization on his own and after marital counseling. I agreed promptly!!

And that's a successful compromise!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is okay. She lives on the West Coast, thankfully. If she lived 10 minutes away, I would have to have a serious talk with her. She's so possessive of the children when she is here. She often visits for 10+ days at a time, which is not pleasant since I'm a SAHM and I have to put up with her and her DH.