Is it typical for MILs and DILs to not get along?

[Anonymous]

And my understanding, based on that line in bold, is that YOU were having issues during much of that time.

And while you are "expected" to call her on the carpet, your husband should be the one to beat you to that. He's doesn't have your back; he's expecting you to do his dirty work b/c he's afraid of his mother. You're the shield.

So you can think you have it all under control, but you're only fooling yourself.

The women who DO have it under control have MILs who have changed FOR them and who have learned how to respect boundaries. Your MIL still needs to be controlled.

not healthy at all, babes

Anonymous wrote:Some perspective my mother (a MIL herself to DIL's) gave me in dealing with my MIL helped me to calm down

You have replaced her as the woman in your DH's life. Many women, who have devoted themselves to their families, view their DS's marriage as "losing a son." They are no longer needed as much as they were and no longer had the influence they once had. Depending on the family dynamic and how the DIL and DS manage things, it can be a nightmare. Honestly, having your DH fight the battle for you makes it worse. Most MIL's will KNOW that if their son confronts them about how they treat a DIL, it is the DIL who put them up to it. It makes them feel even more that their sons are being taken from them. I am NOT saying that it is right and my mother was not either - she was just giving me perspective.


My DH and I have come to an understanding over the past 20 years. I do not put him in the middle and do not ask him to mediate/confront disputes. I am expected to call her to the carpet myself for things that bother me. He will publicly support me. He will have my back - not my front. MIL and I get aong much better now that I have learned to politely but forcefully defend my ground. I also do not vent to my DH about his mom. He does not allow her to complain about me to him and I should get the same treatment. I am not expected to entertain them every time they visit (I often am not there) and I do not attend every family function on his side of the family. Our kids are teens and the best gift I could give them was to allow them to form their own relationship with Granny. They also see that Granny and I have common ground - our love for them and our love for DH. We will never be best buds, but we do get along fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

[Anonymous]

For OP - how would you feel if your DH said he couldn't deal with your mother, didn't want her around and didn't want to include her in her grandchildren's lives? If you're fine with that, then go ahead and tell him that about his mother. Just remember it's a two-way street.

My suggestion: If you can't stand your MIL, then find a way not to be around when she's around. Let your DH and kids enjoy their relationship with her. And you can take some time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And my understanding, based on that line in bold, is that YOU were having issues during much of that time.

And while you are "expected" to call her on the carpet, your husband should be the one to beat you to that. He's doesn't have your back; he's expecting you to do his dirty work b/c he's afraid of his mother. You're the shield.

So you can think you have it all under control, but you're only fooling yourself.

The women who DO have it under control have MILs who have changed FOR them and who have learned how to respect boundaries. Your MIL still needs to be controlled.

not healthy at all, babes


ha, +1. relationship counseling 101, do NOT engage ILs, that is their own child's job.

Anonymous wrote:Some perspective my mother (a MIL herself to DIL's) gave me in dealing with my MIL helped me to calm down

You have replaced her as the woman in your DH's life. Many women, who have devoted themselves to their families, view their DS's marriage as "losing a son." They are no longer needed as much as they were and no longer had the influence they once had. Depending on the family dynamic and how the DIL and DS manage things, it can be a nightmare. Honestly, having your DH fight the battle for you makes it worse. Most MIL's will KNOW that if their son confronts them about how they treat a DIL, it is the DIL who put them up to it. It makes them feel even more that their sons are being taken from them. I am NOT saying that it is right and my mother was not either - she was just giving me perspective.


My DH and I have come to an understanding over the past 20 years. I do not put him in the middle and do not ask him to mediate/confront disputes. I am expected to call her to the carpet myself for things that bother me. He will publicly support me. He will have my back - not my front. MIL and I get aong much better now that I have learned to politely but forcefully defend my ground. I also do not vent to my DH about his mom. He does not allow her to complain about me to him and I should get the same treatment. I am not expected to entertain them every time they visit (I often am not there) and I do not attend every family function on his side of the family. Our kids are teens and the best gift I could give them was to allow them to form their own relationship with Granny. They also see that Granny and I have common ground - our love for them and our love for DH. We will never be best buds, but we do get along fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut mine off years ago.

best decision ever

Awesome! So did I.

best feeling ever, right?

[Anonymous]

I get along great with my MIL, it's DH I can't stand (and MIL backs me up)...

I would prefer it the other (and "traditional") way around, you know.

[Anonymous]

ITA that DH can be afraid of his mother. There is NO rule that says DIL can not stick up for herself! Just make it so that DH wishes he had said something himself

If I had that situation, MIL would be nice and gracious, instead of jealous and spiteful - to my face or behind my back. MIL should really set the stage - after all, aren't they SUPPOSED to be older and wiser?

[Anonymous]

I loved my MIL and am so sad she died too young. I wish she had known my kids.

[Anonymous]

Not in my case, but apparently it skipped a generation. SIL hates my DH, hated every single girlfriend he ever had, and now hates me and my kids.

Sibling rivalry has its limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my MIL says some hurtful comment, I stop and look at her and ask "Why did you say such a hurtful thing? Did you know that it made me feel very bad". That's all I say. I don't fight or make a scene. I will however not let it go without saying the above if she makes a hurtful comment. I will do that even if company is present.

It shames her and she has started treating me with politeness. It also shames her kids and her husband. She is not my mother and she is welcome to have a relationship with my DH and kids. I do not advocate on her behalf either.

I used your technique but it did not help. She'd just ignore me. DH had to limit my contact with her and I think we both are happier as a result. Still when I see her, I get my share of snarky remarks.

[Anonymous]

I prefer my MIL to my mother. Wish she lived closer and my mother lived further away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And my understanding, based on that line in bold, is that YOU were having issues during much of that time.

And while you are "expected" to call her on the carpet, your husband should be the one to beat you to that. He's doesn't have your back; he's expecting you to do his dirty work b/c he's afraid of his mother. You're the shield.

So you can think you have it all under control, but you're only fooling yourself.

The women who DO have it under control have MILs who have changed FOR them and who have learned how to respect boundaries. Your MIL still needs to be controlled.

not healthy at all, babes

Anonymous wrote:Some perspective my mother (a MIL herself to DIL's) gave me in dealing with my MIL helped me to calm down

You have replaced her as the woman in your DH's life. Many women, who have devoted themselves to their families, view their DS's marriage as "losing a son." They are no longer needed as much as they were and no longer had the influence they once had. Depending on the family dynamic and how the DIL and DS manage things, it can be a nightmare. Honestly, having your DH fight the battle for you makes it worse. Most MIL's will KNOW that if their son confronts them about how they treat a DIL, it is the DIL who put them up to it. It makes them feel even more that their sons are being taken from them. I am NOT saying that it is right and my mother was not either - she was just giving me perspective.


My DH and I have come to an understanding over the past 20 years. I do not put him in the middle and do not ask him to mediate/confront disputes. I am expected to call her to the carpet myself for things that bother me. He will publicly support me. He will have my back - not my front. MIL and I get aong much better now that I have learned to politely but forcefully defend my ground. I also do not vent to my DH about his mom. He does not allow her to complain about me to him and I should get the same treatment. I am not expected to entertain them every time they visit (I often am not there) and I do not attend every family function on his side of the family. Our kids are teens and the best gift I could give them was to allow them to form their own relationship with Granny. They also see that Granny and I have common ground - our love for them and our love for DH. We will never be best buds, but we do get along fine.

Nope. My DH is more than willing to step to his mom. But as an ADULT, I feel that I should defend myself when the dispute is between my MIL and I. My DH does not use me as a shield, but I do not use him as a shield either.

[Anonymous]

I have the MIL from hell. After 20 years of marriage, she has basically alienated her children, and most of her family and friends. The thing I have found to cope with her is to firmly deal with any nonsense -- criticism, bossiness, controlling behavior -- don't explain, don't get into an argument, and ignor her wherever possible. Be a firm, polite, brick wall, and after a while she will not mess with you. Your DH is used to her, so he thinks you should get used to her too, but you don't have to drink the family Kool-Aid. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot of you are looking for fights (e.g., call her on the carpet). You all could you a little help in communication skills. Everyone would benefit. I question how you will feel when you are the mil?

[Anonymous]

Is she rude to you in away she would not be to a friend? to a neighbor. Are you? Are you discussing things, or is she that are too personal? If one is told personal information, they believe they have a responsibility to weigh-in, make their opinions known and work to improve as they see fit.

I think just cause she is MIL you don't have to be close. But you can be with each other and allow the relationship with grandchildren - and should - without much interference from her. If you hold firm.

And yes, it's the norm, I'd say, for DILs and MILs to have a challenging relationship.