Fair or not Fair??....You Decide!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But there is an easily quantifiable metric: it's called hours in a day. If one partner is working 80 hours and the other 40, then there is a fairness problem. Fairness matters a lot - if you feel taken advantage of, it is very hard to have a good relationship. It may not be healthy to keep detailed score if things are relatively balanced. But you are begging the question by assuming things are relatively balanced and that each party has the other's welfare in mind. Unfortunately that is not always the case.

Are all hours equal? To take an example from the book Walden Two is cleaning out a sewer the same as planting a garden? Obviously at home there are different tasks but surely the are not all equal and some are more desirable than others. Does economy of labor count? For instance if I can do a job in half the time my spouse does do I get credit for the time it would have take said spouse or the time I spend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually wish I was in your position rather than mine. I work almost double the hours as my husband, but since he makes more money, I am responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and keeping our bills paid. I do the morning daycare drop-off. The only things he does is the afternoon daycare pickup, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash/recycling.

I'm uber beat.

I am irate on your behalf! A fair arrangement would be that you do house/child work in inverse proportion to paid work. Under this arrangement, your husband should be responsible for 2/3s of the house/child work. Let him use his big income to hire help if he doesn't want to do it himself!

PP, how did your situation evolve? Has your husband explicitly said that he thinks he should do less because he makes more?

Yes, he has actually said that. He is a sexist. He also gets really made if we get any mail that has my name listed before his (because "he's the MAN"). He has also told me that it's my duty to do the housework because "he has the penis, and I have the vagina".

He totally tricked me into marriage. Before marriage, I talked to him about how I wanted it to be (a 50/50 partnership). He agreed. He was totally "women's rights!". He was great with helping out, until I had our son. Then, he actually came out and told me that he didn't have to "pretend anymore". I'm trying to make it work since we have a son together, and I don't make very much to support myself on my own, but I pretty much hate him now.

Wow. That's horrible. I would spend his hard earned money on outsourcing as much as you can. Maybe put the child in preschool and get a part time job so I'd have some of my own money. You could use it for a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need yo enlist your three little helpers to pull some weight. They are old enough to help with dinner set/cleanup, dishes, room tidying , and in my house everyone over 10 knows how to run the washer and dryer.

I was a sahm willie my kids were younger and I taught them to help. Now working full time, as does Dh , we rely on kid help. We all work together so we can have time for life. You need to tap some of that kid power you have !

[Anonymous]

1) Hire help. The help is not for you, they are taking the place of your DH who is not helping. Let your DH understand this.

2) Make meals in bulk and freeze. Simple crockpot recipes...

3) Assign chores to your kids. They can help a lot if you let them.


Ask DH exactly when can he help and how will he help. Be specific. Get organized - so that you know what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually wish I was in your position rather than mine. I work almost double the hours as my husband, but since he makes more money, I am responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and keeping our bills paid. I do the morning daycare drop-off. The only things he does is the afternoon daycare pickup, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash/recycling.

I'm uber beat.

I am irate on your behalf! A fair arrangement would be that you do house/child work in inverse proportion to paid work. Under this arrangement, your husband should be responsible for 2/3s of the house/child work. Let him use his big income to hire help if he doesn't want to do it himself!

PP, how did your situation evolve? Has your husband explicitly said that he thinks he should do less because he makes more?

Yes, he has actually said that. He is a sexist. He also gets really made if we get any mail that has my name listed before his (because "he's the MAN"). He has also told me that it's my duty to do the housework because "he has the penis, and I have the vagina".

He totally tricked me into marriage. Before marriage, I talked to him about how I wanted it to be (a 50/50 partnership). He agreed. He was totally "women's rights!". He was great with helping out, until I had our son. Then, he actually came out and told me that he didn't have to "pretend anymore". I'm trying to make it work since we have a son together, and I don't make very much to support myself on my own, but I pretty much hate him now.

Wow. That's horrible. I would spend his hard earned money on outsourcing as much as you can. Maybe put the child in preschool and get a part time job so I'd have some of my own money. You could use it for a divorce lawyer.

You may have missed the part in my post where my son is in preschool, and I work full-time, I just don't make much, and most of my check goes towards bills. I do, however, have a secret bank account that I'm putting as much savings in as I can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually wish I was in your position rather than mine. I work almost double the hours as my husband, but since he makes more money, I am responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and keeping our bills paid. I do the morning daycare drop-off. The only things he does is the afternoon daycare pickup, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash/recycling.

I'm uber beat.

I am irate on your behalf! A fair arrangement would be that you do house/child work in inverse proportion to paid work. Under this arrangement, your husband should be responsible for 2/3s of the house/child work. Let him use his big income to hire help if he doesn't want to do it himself!

PP, how did your situation evolve? Has your husband explicitly said that he thinks he should do less because he makes more?

Yes, he has actually said that. He is a sexist. He also gets really made if we get any mail that has my name listed before his (because "he's the MAN"). He has also told me that it's my duty to do the housework because "he has the penis, and I have the vagina".

He totally tricked me into marriage. Before marriage, I talked to him about how I wanted it to be (a 50/50 partnership). He agreed. He was totally "women's rights!". He was great with helping out, until I had our son. Then, he actually came out and told me that he didn't have to "pretend anymore". I'm trying to make it work since we have a son together, and I don't make very much to support myself on my own, but I pretty much hate him now.

Wow. That's horrible. I would spend his hard earned money on outsourcing as much as you can. Maybe put the child in preschool and get a part time job so I'd have some of my own money. You could use it for a divorce lawyer.

You may have missed the part in my post where my son is in preschool, and I work full-time, I just don't make much, and most of my check goes towards bills. I do, however, have a secret bank account that I'm putting as much savings in as I can.

WOW! Your stories are such cautionary tales for my DD. Women need to get high paying professional jobs BEFORE they marry or have kids. That means that they need to work their butts off at school and college. Be in a profession that allows them to 1) Buy a house, 2) Have kids, 3) Hire a full time nanny 4) Pay for your kids colleges and 5) Pay for their retirement.

I am not debating here how much work a husband should do or not do. Ideally, he would have done his share or shelled out money to hire help. However, in the case above the husband reneged on the promise he made to his wife. And because the wife is working in a low paying job she is stuck in this situation without any power.

We know that divorce means poverty for most women and their children.

[Anonymous]

The sense of entitlement around here is amazing. I'd trade my 50-60 hours / week of high stress paid work for the job of managing the house and school aged children any day.

My wife's daily run is part of her list of "things she needs to do" during the week. My running is part of my leisure time, if we can fit it in.

Oh, and the dirty secret for most men - you can never work hard enough. It will never be "fair". And if you work harder to make her life easier; she won't notice.

(And then when she has a killer body from all that time she works out, she'll probably start cheating on you during all that free time she has.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sense of entitlement around here is amazing. I'd trade my 50-60 hours / week of high stress paid work for the job of managing the house and school aged children any day.

My wife's daily run is part of her list of "things she needs to do" during the week. My running is part of my leisure time, if we can fit it in.

Oh, and the dirty secret for most men - you can never work hard enough. It will never be "fair". And if you work harder to make her life easier; she won't notice.

(And then when she has a killer body from all that time she works out, she'll probably start cheating on you during all that free time she has.)

You sound so angry. Was the decision for your wife to become a SAHM not a joint decision? In my case it was a joint decision and my paycheck was not needed. I am independently financially secure - so I do not feel that I have not contributed financially. Sucks to be you though!

[Anonymous]

Let's say OP is "working" from 7:30 am to 9:00 am getting kids up, fed, lunches packed, driven to school, returning home. Say also that she is "working" from 3:00 pm to 9:30 pm doing pick up, shuttling to activities, supervising homework, making dinner, cleaning up dinner, supervising baths, and bedtime. Finally, let's also assume she is "working" on average for 2 out of the 6 hours the kids are in school by things like house cleaning, bills, laundry, grocery shopping, errands, and prepping dinner. That too is a 10 hour work day. Her 4 hours of quiet time are from 11:00 am to 3:00 pm, while her husband's quiet time is from 6:00 pm to 10:00 pm. So, one could argue that on weekdays it is indeed "fair" to keep things status quo -- purely from an hours worked perspective (which is apparently the perspective OPs husband has). That being said, it sounds like to be "fair" OPs husband needs to pitch in more on weekends. After all, there are some things that OP can't do in the middle of a weekday, like have a drink with friends or see a concert. Of course, it would be ideal if OPs husband actually wanted to spend time with his kids on evenings and weekends and wasn't just doing it because it was "fair" based upon how much each spouse "worked" during the week.

[Anonymous]

I only read half, and I already decided that you shouldn't be whining. I wish my wife can go work, makes tons of money while I take care of everything. I know it's tough to be a full time house wife, but its tougher to be working. At least you don't have to deal with most of the traffic he is dealing with, not have to be at work by a certain time, and dealing with some bs that he doesn't want to.

Just consider yourself lucky, and again quit bitching. I take your job in a heartbeat and wish my wish does the opposit. Btw, we both work, but my wife doesn't even do the dishes, my daughter is only 1, so I guess the dishes doesn't clean by themselves.

[Anonymous]

The kids should be helping. And if between you and kids there's still work to be done? Then hire someone. Hubby's done his end of the bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually wish I was in your position rather than mine. I work almost double the hours as my husband, but since he makes more money, I am responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and keeping our bills paid. I do the morning daycare drop-off. The only things he does is the afternoon daycare pickup, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash/recycling.

I'm uber beat.

Your a good wife, my wife make 1/3 of my salary, and I even do the dishes. Fml

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually wish I was in your position rather than mine. I work almost double the hours as my husband, but since he makes more money, I am responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands and keeping our bills paid. I do the morning daycare drop-off. The only things he does is the afternoon daycare pickup, mowing the lawn, and taking out the trash/recycling.

I'm uber beat.

What an ass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sense of entitlement around here is amazing. I'd trade my 50-60 hours / week of high stress paid work for the job of managing the house and school aged children any day.

My wife's daily run is part of her list of "things she needs to do" during the week. My running is part of my leisure time, if we can fit it in.

Oh, and the dirty secret for most men - you can never work hard enough. It will never be "fair". And if you work harder to make her life easier; she won't notice.

(And then when she has a killer body from all that time she works out, she'll probably start cheating on you during all that free time she has.)

Women cheat on their meal ticket saps? Who knew?