If your significant other is a partner at a big law firm, what time does he/she get home usually?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.

I'm sure those VIP seats make up for an absentee dad. Such a stereotype, don't you see?

Oh, no, the entire family went to the game and we all go on the awesome vacations. Those experiences are, well, priceless. No idea what stereotype you're claiming.

The fact that you need to brag makes you pathetic. And while i usually do feel sorry for pathetic people, I don't feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.

I'm sure those VIP seats make up for an absentee dad. Such a stereotype, don't you see?

Oh, no, the entire family went to the game and we all go on the awesome vacations. Those experiences are, well, priceless. No idea what stereotype you're claiming.

LOL, I don't think you know what "priceless" means. (I'll give you a hint...if you have to buy something, it's not priceless.)

P.S. My family has been all over the world together AND I get to eat dinner with DH every night. That's actually priceless.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you need to brag makes you pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a Dad who chose a career like this. He missed so much. My childhood is gone now, i am middle-aged. My dad is making up for lost time in his retirement now. But you don't get those decades back.

Also, many marriages can survive 15 years like this, maybe, but few can survive 20 or 30. You will get out of your marriage what you put in. If you don't put TIME into relationships, you will one day have no relationship. You may stay married, but the depth of emotional intimacy will wane. That can become an opening for an affair (either emotional or physical) because one or both partners isn't have their emotional needs met within the marriage. They start blaming the other person, instead of looking at the life and choices they have made.

The idea that marriages can survive on a limited amount of "quality time" is a myth. You need quantity as well. You need the dailiness that makes up a relationship, the give-and-take, the time to be in the relaxed presence of your spouse.

At the end of life, what matters entirely is relationships. All the other stuff fades away. You are left with your spouse, your kids, etc. If you live to a very old age, you don't even have your friends or colleagues because they pass away. Eventually, it is your very closest loved ones who will sustain you. If you ignore them for decades, the relationship won't be close. I work as a hospice nurse. I see this every day, as people approach the end of life.

Every wise person, every saint, every sage in every religion has talked about this. It is all about relationships and about love. If you take a job that shortchanges that, you are not going to live as fully as you might have if you had placed people first in your life.

There is no amount of money or career satisfaction that is worth living this way. Take the long view and make some changes to that schedule. Find a way to pursue the work you love without shortchanging the people in your life. You only go around once.

Just my two cents.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

This.

Time with our children, grandchildren, parents, etc. is really not something to "trade off." IMHO, those who truly think that way need to reconsider. Some posters here are choosing to ignore the fact that there's a wide range between poverty and working so many hours that you rarely have time with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Some posters here are choosing to ignore the fact that there's a wide range between poverty and working so many hours that you rarely have time with your family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

This.

Time with our children, grandchildren, parents, etc. is really not something to "trade off." IMHO, those who truly think that way need to reconsider. Some posters here are choosing to ignore the fact that there's a wide range between poverty and working so many hours that you rarely have time with your family.

Oh, brother. The thread was directed to those married to a big law partner. So for the most part we're already talking about 1%ers. And I don't know of anyone who says their big law partner spouse "rarely" has time with the family. But believe what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

This.

Time with our children, grandchildren, parents, etc. is really not something to "trade off." IMHO, those who truly think that way need to reconsider. Some posters here are choosing to ignore the fact that there's a wide range between poverty and working so many hours that you rarely have time with your family.

Oh, brother. The thread was directed to those married to a big law partner. So for the most part we're already talking about 1%ers. And I don't know of anyone who says their big law partner spouse "rarely" has time with the family. But believe what you will.

Clearly, you're believing "what YOU will."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of trade offs. Long hours and few financial worries seems like a fair trade off to me. Money can't buy happiness, but for fairly well grounded people it can smooth over enough rough spots to make life fairly pleasant.

This.

Time with our children, grandchildren, parents, etc. is really not something to "trade off." IMHO, those who truly think that way need to reconsider. Some posters here are choosing to ignore the fact that there's a wide range between poverty and working so many hours that you rarely have time with your family.

Oh, brother. The thread was directed to those married to a big law partner. So for the most part we're already talking about 1%ers. And I don't know of anyone who says their big law partner spouse "rarely" has time with the family. But believe what you will.

Really? Most of the descriptions here sound like "rarely" to me.

I think there are a few families that can weather the law partnership (and a few very lucky law partners in a niche that doesn't actualky require them to work insane hours). I see the biggest threat not to the kids, but to the marriage. Even though money can oay for extra help, mom (and it is almost always mom) will end up being a virtual single parent. A nanny can make this technically ceasible, but not emotionally. If the wife is happy to take on this role - and doesn't care about her career - then it can work. But it often ends in bitterness and alienation.

Another extremely important thing is the partner's own happiness. Working extreme hours is only pyshologically healthy for a smalk number of people. If the partner is a typical unhappy lawyer, then that will damage the family - even if he manages to eek out time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'll bet the kid whose father was screaming his head off after every single play at Little League yesterday was wishing his dad spent more time at the office.

[Anonymous]

One thing I feel that some of the more critizing posters are missing about having a spouse in these jobs and saying how important family time is etc, is that several of us are able to be home with our children because of our spouse's income. My kids get me all day everyday, they get my husband every morning (and I get his help) and we spend most weekends together. Yes he misses dinner with the kids, but he and I normally eat together. There are plenty of trade offs in life, but if you're argument against having a spouse in these jobs is not spending quality time, then remember that my kids get their mother (who is thrilled to be able to) home with them, and we don't need to rush around every morning, put them in day care and then race home for the magical family dinner. Don't get me wrong - that is very important, but I feel lucky to be able to give them my time and we get lots and lots of time as a family AND as a couple - we make it a priority AND I think his firm is a tad more family friendly, so maybe that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, I can't believe people live like this and can actually say they are "happy". We may not have the high income or nanny or McMansion but we sit down to eat together as a family EVERY night. Call me judgemental or whatever but I wouldn't trade our FAMILY time for anything.

No one's asking you to trade. But from a different perspective: DH grew up poor, works very hard, is extremely successful and has 20 year long business relationships. So he's basically on call 24/7, worldwide. But we take fabulous family vacations, saw the Caps game today from VIP seats, I can hire any help I need, kids won't need to be strapped with student loans, etc. etc. The kids are actually turning out to be responsible and level-headed and all-around likable (for teenagers, anyway). You don't need to trade places with me but really, don't feel sorry for me.

I'm sure those VIP seats make up for an absentee dad. Such a stereotype, don't you see?

Oh, no, the entire family went to the game and we all go on the awesome vacations. Those experiences are, well, priceless. No idea what stereotype you're claiming.

Oh wow. Please stop, you're embarrassing yourself. Although if this stuff makes up for the rest and impresses you, you're probably an ideal BigLaw spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I feel that some of the more critizing posters are missing about having a spouse in these jobs and saying how important family time is etc, is that several of us are able to be home with our children because of our spouse's income. My kids get me all day everyday, they get my husband every morning (and I get his help) and we spend most weekends together. Yes he misses dinner with the kids, but he and I normally eat together. There are plenty of trade offs in life, but if you're argument against having a spouse in these jobs is not spending quality time, then remember that my kids get their mother (who is thrilled to be able to) home with them, and we don't need to rush around every morning, put them in day care and then race home for the magical family dinner. Don't get me wrong - that is very important, but I feel lucky to be able to give them my time and we get lots and lots of time as a family AND as a couple - we make it a priority AND I think his firm is a tad more family friendly, so maybe that helps.

You're probably the exception rather than the rule - and time with both parents and with the family as a whole is so important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I feel that some of the more critizing posters are missing about having a spouse in these jobs and saying how important family time is etc, is that several of us are able to be home with our children because of our spouse's income. My kids get me all day everyday, they get my husband every morning (and I get his help) and we spend most weekends together. Yes he misses dinner with the kids, but he and I normally eat together. There are plenty of trade offs in life, but if you're argument against having a spouse in these jobs is not spending quality time, then remember that my kids get their mother (who is thrilled to be able to) home with them, and we don't need to rush around every morning, put them in day care and then race home for the magical family dinner. Don't get me wrong - that is very important, but I feel lucky to be able to give them my time and we get lots and lots of time as a family AND as a couple - we make it a priority AND I think his firm is a tad more family friendly, so maybe that helps.

Careful, the naysaying non big law spouses are gonna come after you. Because surely you can't have figured out how to make it work and be happy. Congrats, btw.