Reply to Help for DW who was abused/neglected as a child and who is struggling parenting?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]22:48 here, I also agree with other posters- about your "over-functioning" role, you might be feeding into each others behavior in ways you are not aware of.

Be vulnerable with your wife, admit your doubts and failings as a parent.

Tell your children that they can say anything to you, no matter what, and they will always be loved and protected.  Ask them to tell you what they need in order to be safe, make a contract with them listing steps they can take to get help if they need it.  [/quote]

OP here - I worry about this too and the reality is that I am anything but "over-functioning". I am really struggling myself. The balance used to be much more equal in our relationship and in parenting but it has really shifted. We tried couples' counseling and I tried various things to change the balance but her behavior has become more and more distant. I have had to try to take up the slack with the kids. She talks about her family of origin much more frequently now and is becoming very disengaged from this family at the same time. She recently said that she is going to urge her sister to go to therapy before she has kids, but there was no corresponding concern for our kids. She has done therapy off and on but it has been around her defenses, not to address them. She is better with me alone than around the kids but very angry at my saying that things need to change. She is way less playful with the kids and likes to do structured  activities with them now like board games or crafts, she mostly "works" or does chores in a way that never seems to end, I think she is kind of avoiding us when she is home. I can't remember the last time she laughed with the kids. So sad, one of the kids noted that the other night. We were all out the other day and ran into someone she had met once at a conference and she got very animated. One of the kids askd me later why mommy liked that lady better than him. I tink the kids may be aroud the ages of some traumatic events for her and a sib, I'm sure that doesn't help. I'm not sure what , she has't talked about ther childhood in detail since before the kids. She still hasn't called any of the EDMR folks. I want the kids out of the situation but worry what would happen to her on her own and the thought of the kids being alone with her is unaccaptable. I feel like we could go on in this stalemate for a long time, it has been bad and geting worse but there is no way for hte kids to do well unless this changes. I've got calls in to people for a consult, surely an expert could have more insight into how to best protect everyone. I feel like I'm just floundering. I feel so much pressure to make the holidays happy for the kids. I am tryng to convince DW to travel to see family, I think the kids and I really need the support. Thanks to everyone for the concern and resources, it is appreciated. I thought it was just depression for so long. I had no idea of the extent of her issues, I think she deliberately didn't share a lot of information with me. I hate this is the kids' childhood, I have such a hard time understanding why she wouldn't want to get better, even to keep from hurting them.[/quote]

OP - I feel for you.  My DH suffers from serious depression and anxiety and it has cast a dark shadow over the last couple of years including my pregnancy and the arrival of our baby girl.  That said, from reading this thread you don't sound like you have a lot of empathy for her.  You paint her as all bad - she doesn't do X, Y, and Z.  Every time you post there's a new issue and new evidence that you present as to the damage you feel your DW is doing to your kids.  I get that it's tough, but wonder if at this point you've not only got a very depressed wife but a wife who's on the defensive.  You've painted her as a really horrible person and I haven't read anything in your posts to the contrary.  And you definitely see yourself as the victim, holding everything together.  I just wonder if this lack of compassion and empathy that is evident in your posts is evident in your day to day interaction too.  I also wonder what your DW would say and how she would feel if she knew you were posting this on a widely read forum where there is a potential for someone (a friend, a neighbor) to piece together your story and identify her.  All of which is to say, while I'm sensitive to the horrible effect that depression can have on a family and am living it now to a great extent, things aren't black and white and it's rare that someone is truly all bad, despite how their mental illness manifests itself.  You've really villified your wife and if she's as bad as you say, why don't you just leave her?  Are you posting on this forum for vindication and sympathy?  [/quote]

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