Daughter getting married

[Anonymous]

Under American tradition the groom's family only pays for the rehearsal dinner, so it is not surprising that they do not want to or feel they need to contribute. In fact, unless they chose to volunteer to assist, it was probably rude/less than proper etiquette for you to raise the issue.

That being said, there is no reason you need to pay for the wedding either. The tradition of wife's family paying for the wedding comes from the time when a family paid for her dowry because they were lucky to find someone to take care of her for life, even though that often meant functional servitude.

Contribute to your daughter's wedding only because you love her and want to help her with her special day and then only in the manner which you can reasonably afford without undue financial burden to yourself.

[Anonymous]

PP: Thanks for the response. I am the OP and I agree with you. Indeed the tradition of a dowry is no longer practiced. However, it seems odd that when both parents want the same thing for their kids, there would not be an offer from the grooms parents to participate. Our financial advisor said it is very appropriate to subtly bring the subject up. The grooms parents don't want to be viewed as inappropriate if they bring it up. I had a very traditional wedding. Many of those traditions have changed: we did not use response cards, there was a proper way to respond to a formal invitation. We did not use save the dates. The groom paid for the brides bouquet. The grooms mother was not privy to the plans. These things have all changed.

My son is probably going to get engaged after this wedding. I cannot imagine expecting the bride's parents to pay for everything. I cannot fathom giving her parents a guest list and expect them to pay for my guests. How could I live with that? I think it is unreasonable.

I realized that I was flip when I suggested that we will have no equity in our home. When you are in your 50's, it is topic of conversation. I can understand how those starting out (or getting going), would not understand the comment. We can afford the wedding.

PP: Thank you for not sharing your wedding experience. We want to give our daughter a nice wedding (not a big blow out). I am just shocked that, in this economy, this "tradition" has not evolved accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: Thanks for the response. I am the OP and I agree with you. Indeed the tradition of a dowry is no longer practiced. However, it seems odd that when both parents want the same thing for their kids, there would not be an offer from the grooms parents to participate. Our financial advisor said it is very appropriate to subtly bring the subject up. The grooms parents don't want to be viewed as inappropriate if they bring it up. I had a very traditional wedding. Many of those traditions have changed: we did not use response cards, there was a proper way to respond to a formal invitation. We did not use save the dates. The groom paid for the brides bouquet. The grooms mother was not privy to the plans. These things have all changed.

My son is probably going to get engaged after this wedding. I cannot imagine expecting the bride's parents to pay for everything. I cannot fathom giving her parents a guest list and expect them to pay for my guests. How could I live with that? I think it is unreasonable.

I realized that I was flip when I suggested that we will have no equity in our home. When you are in your 50's, it is topic of conversation. I can understand how those starting out (or getting going), would not understand the comment. We can afford the wedding.

PP: Thank you for not sharing your wedding experience. We want to give our daughter a nice wedding (not a big blow out). I am just shocked that, in this economy, this "tradition" has not evolved accordingly.

As women have entered the professional workforce, I believe this tradition has evolved, such that many or perhaps most couples pay for their own weddings, with or without help from their parents.

Is this not an option here? If not, why not?

I'm not sure why your financial adviser is in a position to say whether you should or should not broach the topic with the groom-to-be's parents. Financial advisers provide advice on financial matters, and not, in general, on interpersonal ones.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Take your anti-bitch pill and read the other posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Take your anti-bitch pill and read the other posts.

I've read the entire thread. I still don't understand why OP seems so hell-bent on the groom's parents paying for any of this (given that they have given zero indication that they will), and why she would seek advice on approaching them from - of all people - her financial adviser.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is friends with her financial advisor. Maybe you don't belong on the 50 and over forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is friends with her financial advisor. Maybe you don't belong on the 50 and over forum.

19:13 here. Not sure what you are talking about, but fwiw I am 52yo.

[Anonymous]

56 year old here. We chat with our financial advisor off and on and this would definately be a topic of conversation. I think the groom's parent(s) are cheap!

[Anonymous]

OP- Please think about how you want your future relationship to be with your daughter and future son, your grandkids and his parents.

Who pays what for the wedding is really the bride and groom's business. Let them deal with his parents. Trust me, worse than having them be cheap is contributing to a lifetime of stress and anxiety for your daughter with respect to her in-laws and your future grandbabies. While the wedding is a big deal right now, trust me, once baby comes and holidays are split, you will be thankful that you chose to be the gracious and easy set of parents.

You guys are really strangers. It doesn't take a lot to sour relationships that are supposed to last a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

OP, we paid for our own lavish affair in our mid twenties. Private undergrad, private grad and private law school, too. Don't set your children up to be entitled, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid-twenties (pls don't flame me for visiting this forum) and insisted on paying for for my own wedding. We also paid for our honeymoon. We had a beautiful but simple affair and would not change it for the world.

[Anonymous]

I think it is fine to help fund your daughter's wedding but I recommend making it a true gift. Your daughter and husband to be are adults. Give them the amount of money that you are willing to give with no strings attached.

Do not discuss money with the groom's family. It's not your business. Be gracious, generous and discreet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we paid for our own lavish affair in our mid twenties. Private undergrad, private grad and private law school, too. Don't set your children up to be entitled, IMHO.

How could you pay for private undergrad, grad, law school, and lavish wedding by about age 25? Where did the cash come from? Given the costs my DC's would not be able to afford private tuition and books . I assume you got hefty financial aid.

[Anonymous]

17:13 - 19:55 here. No, and I do not wish to provide further details here (or anywhere else). Both my husband and I made enormous sacrifices that are not usually found in this area and worked ridiculously hard. You can assume what you want to justify your own decisions.

OP, I must emphasize not to set your children up to be entitled. I know people who expected, expected, expected from their older parents and are to this day shameless about borrowing from their elderly parents. That does not sound right to me. For what, an addition on the house so they can keep up with the Joneses? FWIW, if a child asks a parent for money, the parent has every right to a full and complete accounting of the last years' spending. If it has been to top notch infants and toddlers clothing stores, for example, that is a problem!

Priorities, people!

[Anonymous]

Wow, 17:13 sure is nosy. Is that the norm here? Sounds very immature, among other things.