Daughter getting married

[Anonymous]

Of course they should "have it all". Isn't that peachy? Of course the future IL's won't have their precious son skimp on a wedding. Since they are not paying for it, anything goes!! I would pull the reins quick OP. If they want a glorious, tacky show then they need to pony up. I love how people describe a wedding as "beautiful" when they can't afford the opulence. The bridal couple are skipping a honeymoon so they can afford a house? What is wrong with this? They should scale back the wedding and put that money toward their home. I had a simple elegant wedding. It was paid for equally by us, my parents and my ILs. I have wonderful memories of it. We even got a little honeymoon and we put a down payment on our home. No one was in debt after. A wedding lasts a few hours, but these type of spending decisions will come back to bite them in the butt. I laugh because the parents that didn't want their child "saddled" with school loans, don't mind the kids spending $30,000 on a wedding they can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all your input. I have been thinking about this a lot. Planning the wedding with my daughter has been such a joy. It will only bring us closer. And, we don't have to deal with any input from the groom's side.
I want this wedding to be all everything my daughter wants within reason. She has a sense of the cost of things. I was thinking about when babies come (I can't wait!!) I again will be the nurturer!
So, we have no equity left in our home!
Can you tell the antidepressants are working! LOL

Is that seriously you, OP? No more equity left in your house? You can't be a nurturer if you spend all your money and then need to rely on your daughter financially later. Bad, bad idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really are financing this out of home equity, that isn't really the behavior that should be demonstrated to the soon to be newlyweds if you want them to survive in this rugged world.

[Anonymous]

This is how much we have set aside for you, you cna use it for your wedding or buy a house. It is your day and this is our contribution. Use it as you see fit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would have the son find out what they're willing to contribute and not make assumptions based on their bad manners. Sorry I missed that if they specifically said they will not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in our mid twenties and paid for our own (gorgeous, I must say) wedding, top to bottom. Our choices, our day, no one had anything to complain about. Of course, those who would complain about anything did, and so our first lesson of married life was learned. You can't please everyone, and those who complained then are those who complain now. We should have taken bets

Our parents were not named on the invites because they did not pay for it. They were upset because they felt we let the world know their business. But if they wanted to be named, they could have kicked in some cash. Their choice. Easy.

OP, there will always be critics. Do what you feel is right for them. You seem like a warm, responsible parent. I agree with saying here is XX amount. Frankly, we would have been grateful.

Our parents' contribution was raising us to be professionals who could earn enough to pay for our own wedding. We never considered not putting their names on the invitations. It is hurting me to think about how humiliated your parents must have felt.

[Anonymous]

What you did is so cold I need to put on a sweater.

[Anonymous]

Not the PP but I don't understand why people are jumping on her for not including her parents names on the wedding invitation. The names on the invitation are the names of the people issuing the invitiation-the people hosting the wedding. Read an etiquette book. If the parents aren't hosting, it would make zero sense for the invitation to be issued by them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry -- not trying to sock puppet. I am the PP who posted both invitation comments. Meant the second one as an add-on.

So hosting only means paying? How a person could hurt their parents that way is beyond me. It might be different if her parents did not care but they were upset.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think for purposes of names appearing on a wedding invitation, hosting means paying. That is who is issuing the invitation, who you respond to with whether or not you can attend, and who you thank for having you once you go to the wedding. If the PP wanted to recognize her parents, she could have written her name then "daughter of so and so" and the same with her husband's name, but that's her choice. She didn't do it to hurt her parents on purpose. If that is the worst thing she ever does towards her parents, I am sure they'll be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were in our mid twenties and paid for our own (gorgeous, I must say) wedding, top to bottom. Our choices, our day, no one had anything to complain about. Of course, those who would complain about anything did, and so our first lesson of married life was learned. You can't please everyone, and those who complained then are those who complain now. We should have taken bets

Our parents were not named on the invites because they did not pay for it. They were upset because they felt we let the world know their business. But if they wanted to be named, they could have kicked in some cash. Their choice. Easy.

OP, there will always be critics. Do what you feel is right for them. You seem like a warm, responsible parent. I agree with saying here is XX amount. Frankly, we would have been grateful.

Our parents' contribution was raising us to be professionals who could earn enough to pay for our own wedding. We never considered not putting their names on the invitations. It is hurting me to think about how humiliated your parents must have felt.

I guess I don't understand this. As a PP mentioned, this isn't 1900 and we aren't "property" of our parents. They aren't "giving you away" anymore. It is just an old convention that is still being used for tradition's sake. Eh, but maybe I'm biased b/c I didn't have a wedding- we went on vacation and got married. Never had an engagement (which seems outdated to me too!) and just told everyone when we got back. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As I have gotten older, I have learned that life really is fair. At the end of the day, it all works out. Yup, my husband is a retired government worker. The boys parents own 3 homes and are very well to do. My husband jokes and says....now we know how they got their money.
My future son in law loves coming to our home. There is just no warmth where he came from.
They are ready to shop for a home now, but are waiting til after the wedding. They are very responsible. There is no room for resentment here. When I sit back and think about this.....if I put out any negativity, it will backfire.
When it comes to my kids, we need to play it smart.

[Anonymous]

OP again.....You better believe WE will be requesting the honor of your presence at the marriage of our daughter.......Jane Doe to John Doe on the .......

[Anonymous]

"So, we have no equity left in our home! "

Stupid! Is your DH going along with this?

So much for the DCUMers over 50 being older and WISER!

[Anonymous]

Okay, now you are bashing our over 50 financial choices. A retired federal worker has been saving for retirement since our 20's. Our homes are worth over twice what we paid for them. We have made financial decisions that have enabled us to put our kids through college as well as providing camp, traveling and various enriching experiences for them along the way. Are you saving for your kids college, maxing out the amount you can put in a 401k and saving money? Did you buy a house that stretches you financially?
Money gives choices.....and we have choices. I hope you do as well as we have.