Daughter’s Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter just graduated from college two weeks ago and told us right away she will be getting married this summer. We’re still on the hook as far as covering her rent, utilities, car payment, car insurance, and other small expenses until August 1st. Tuition is done and we fully covered her college expenses except for the last semester (owes about 10k in college loans). She plans on eloping at the courthouse sometime within next month and wants to have the actual wedding next summer. She is interviewing, has one job offer, but waiting for another job offer to come through to start working in August/September. She did ask us for 10/12k towards her wedding already to be provided as soon as possible. We tried to talk to her about staying engaged for a year and getting married next summer. Reason being, she needs to be gainfully employed and cover her own wedding cost with us helping pay a fraction of 10k; covering some of the wedding expenses directly (paying the actual bill) instead of just giving lump sum. She does not plan on inviting us to the courthouse when she elopes, but of course everyone will be at the actual wedding next summer. We still have two other kids at home in middle school. What strategy would you use to talk some sense into her?

You sound bitter that you are still providing help until August 1. That’s fairly normal. It’s great that she has one job offer and another one possible. This is a very hard job market. Why did you stop covering college for the last semester? I don’t think it is unreasonable for parents to contribute to the costs of a wedding for their child. This is fairly normal.

Is she your DH’s daughter from a prior relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

lol. “Taking a car away because it’s not owned by her.” You reek of entitlement. As someone who grew up LC - no one deserves a car. And on one deserves 10k the minute they demand it. Especially not someone who has declared that they are now officially and adult who is building a family (yes, a spouse counts) Time for DD to act like an adult. The 10k can be put toward the wedding reception in a year, not as some sort of expensive wedding gift. I still cannot believe how spoiled and entitled you are.

OP—we’re not taking the car away at all…that is crazy. She will be making her own car payments/insurance once she has a full time job. It’s almost paid off anyways. It’s just all happening too fast for us financially. Her fiancé is a good guy, we have no issues with him at all.

If her fiancé is a good guy and they are sensible young people than pay off her car, take your name off of it, give her thousand dollars as a gift, invite them over for dinner and wish them your best.

This is a very measured, helpful, and non-hysterical response. So many others here are missing the mark entirely. OP can't stop the wedding and doesn't wish to punish the daughter, but showing reasonable support without fully cosigning what may or may not be the most optimal thing is key here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at some of these responses. I will give my kids $X amount of money regardless of whether they elope, have a 100k wedding or a cheap wedding. It's a gift to my child after all.

You don't think the parents should at least be invited to the wedding? I feel like they have to have some self respect.

They are invited! I actually had lots of friends who had courthouse marriages prior to the real weddings (sometimes because it was out of state or needed for military issues). All friends considered the wedding to be their real wedding. A courthouse marriage isn't that much different than getting a license at the courthouse before your wedding.

. LOL what a collection of greedy, avaricious, money hungry nabobs. The actual wedding is when they get married at the courthouse. Not the ostentatious party AFTER the actual wedding.

The expectation when a couple decides to elope is that there IS no reception..

That's what elopement means-- escape from the bounds of the traditional unnecessary trappings and just getting married because you want to spend your lives together

^ Agree with this.

Disagree with PP that, "A courthouse marriage isn't that much different than getting a license at the courthouse before your wedding." Um, yes it it. It is a legally binding agreement once both parties sign it.

The minute it is and that courthouse ceremony is over, the couple are legally responsible for their debts. Which should be any costs for future celebrations including their year-old marriage. There is no mention of the GROOM and what he/his family's contributions will be to this gala event in a year's time.