Daughter’s Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

lol. “Taking a car away because it’s not owned by her.” You reek of entitlement. As someone who grew up LC - no one deserves a car. And on one deserves 10k the minute they demand it. Especially not someone who has declared that they are now officially and adult who is building a family (yes, a spouse counts) Time for DD to act like an adult. The 10k can be put toward the wedding reception in a year, not as some sort of expensive wedding gift. I still cannot believe how spoiled and entitled you are.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, while OP should bless and support as much as she can, DD's entitlement to not include forced sponsors of the wedding is really rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

OP here-It’s under her name and my husband’s name, but we make the payments on her behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said wedding next summer. Do you mean summer 2026? Or summer 2027? We're in spring still so next summer to me is a few months away.

OP-summer 2027.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

lol. “Taking a car away because it’s not owned by her.” You reek of entitlement. As someone who grew up LC - no one deserves a car. And on one deserves 10k the minute they demand it. Especially not someone who has declared that they are now officially and adult who is building a family (yes, a spouse counts) Time for DD to act like an adult. The 10k can be put toward the wedding reception in a year, not as some sort of expensive wedding gift. I still cannot believe how spoiled and entitled you are.

OP—we’re not taking the car away at all…that is crazy. She will be making her own car payments/insurance once she has a full time job. It’s almost paid off anyways. It’s just all happening too fast for us financially. Her fiancé is a good guy, we have no issues with him at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

lol. “Taking a car away because it’s not owned by her.” You reek of entitlement. As someone who grew up LC - no one deserves a car. And on one deserves 10k the minute they demand it. Especially not someone who has declared that they are now officially and adult who is building a family (yes, a spouse counts) Time for DD to act like an adult. The 10k can be put toward the wedding reception in a year, not as some sort of expensive wedding gift. I still cannot believe how spoiled and entitled you are.

OP—we’re not taking the car away at all…that is crazy. She will be making her own car payments/insurance once she has a full time job. It’s almost paid off anyways. It’s just all happening too fast for us financially. Her fiancé is a good guy, we have no issues with him at all.

I would just tell her this. If you think she is a responsible kid and you like the guy, you can support the marriage and help them think through things like finding an apartment, getting some IKEA furniture, pots and pans, etc. Tell her that you will probably be able to help financially with the eventual wedding, but you have to budget for it and think about how much you can reasonably give to each of your children, so you will start working on that and be able to give her an answer by next winter when she needs to start booking things for the wedding. This gives you time to plan and her time to plan once she knows what kind of financial contribution you are able to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say "no" to the money. Tell her why you would discourage her immediate wedding. Then let her do what she is going to do.

Enjoy seeing their wedding photos with no invitation

[Anonymous]

Over the years, DCUM has had several wedding threads about adult children of posters. Usually posters are happy to contribute to their children's weddings, and set aside money for it. 10K is NOTHING these days when it comes to weddings. All OP needs to do is have a conversation with her child about how much she can contribute total, so that the couple can plan for all the events they want.

I have the impression DCUM is reflexively against people marrying young, and maybe that's why some of the responses were knee-jerk refusals. But that should not matter. People in love are going to make decisions based on their emotions, and frankly, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Why should they wait to be both gainfully employed? Are the goalposts going to change later to owning their own home? Are there any conditions to a parent giving their support to a wedding? For me, it would only be that I believe my kid's partner to be someone decent, who has my child's interest at heart.

I married young and my husband and I lived modestly for a number of years. We had kids early too. It didn't mean we weren't happy. And now we're rich. You don't know what life will bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Over the years, DCUM has had several wedding threads about adult children of posters. Usually posters are happy to contribute to their children's weddings, and set aside money for it. 10K is NOTHING these days when it comes to weddings. All OP needs to do is have a conversation with her child about how much she can contribute total, so that the couple can plan for all the events they want.

I have the impression DCUM is reflexively against people marrying young, and maybe that's why some of the responses were knee-jerk refusals. But that should not matter. People in love are going to make decisions based on their emotions, and frankly, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Why should they wait to be both gainfully employed? Are the goalposts going to change later to owning their own home? Are there any conditions to a parent giving their support to a wedding? For me, it would only be that I believe my kid's partner to be someone decent, who has my child's interest at heart.

I married young and my husband and I lived modestly for a number of years. We had kids early too. It didn't mean we weren't happy. And now we're rich. You don't know what life will bring.

Responses do seem to usually fall in 2 camps of how parents can or would like to help, but I haven’t seen it tied to age and more whether the DC is stepping up to be an adult and that can actually happen at any age. A 18 year old may have their own house in order to have a job, pay their own bills, etc. Many a late 20 year old can be aimless with parents paying for everything. Since don’t know which your kid will be, tell them expectations sooner than later. For OP, not too late to say you will or won’t (or can’t) give some amount to a wedding, whether you’ll pay vendors or just give cash and say when will stop any other expenses now covering- then all can be same page and plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who owns the car?

How is that at all relevant to DD getting married?

They want to punish a grown woman by taking the car away because it’s not owned by her. From controlling the lives of their adult children (trying to stop a grown woman from getting married, giving 19-year-olds curfews, assigning 18-year-olds bedtimes), to being overbearing toward younger kids (not letting an 8-year-old stay home alone for 15 minutes, not allowing an 11-year-old to walk to school, giving high schoolers screen time limits), this forum is really full of the most helicopter-y parents ever. How sad for these kids.

lol. “Taking a car away because it’s not owned by her.” You reek of entitlement. As someone who grew up LC - no one deserves a car. And on one deserves 10k the minute they demand it. Especially not someone who has declared that they are now officially and adult who is building a family (yes, a spouse counts) Time for DD to act like an adult. The 10k can be put toward the wedding reception in a year, not as some sort of expensive wedding gift. I still cannot believe how spoiled and entitled you are.

OP—we’re not taking the car away at all…that is crazy. She will be making her own car payments/insurance once she has a full time job. It’s almost paid off anyways. It’s just all happening too fast for us financially. Her fiancé is a good guy, we have no issues with him at all.

If her fiancé is a good guy and they are sensible young people than pay off her car, take your name off of it, give her thousand dollars as a gift, invite them over for dinner and wish them your best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Over the years, DCUM has had several wedding threads about adult children of posters. Usually posters are happy to contribute to their children's weddings, and set aside money for it. 10K is NOTHING these days when it comes to weddings. All OP needs to do is have a conversation with her child about how much she can contribute total, so that the couple can plan for all the events they want.

I have the impression DCUM is reflexively against people marrying young, and maybe that's why some of the responses were knee-jerk refusals. But that should not matter. People in love are going to make decisions based on their emotions, and frankly, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Why should they wait to be both gainfully employed? Are the goalposts going to change later to owning their own home? Are there any conditions to a parent giving their support to a wedding? For me, it would only be that I believe my kid's partner to be someone decent, who has my child's interest at heart.

I married young and my husband and I lived modestly for a number of years. We had kids early too. It didn't mean we weren't happy. And now we're rich. You don't know what life will bring.

Except this child is asking for money now and doesn’t plan to include her parents at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to let go of those strings. This is her life. She can choose to live however she wants. You can decide how much you want to contribute.

This.
Let go OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter just graduated from college two weeks ago and told us right away she will be getting married this summer. We’re still on the hook as far as covering her rent, utilities, car payment, car insurance, and other small expenses until August 1st. Tuition is done and we fully covered her college expenses except for the last semester (owes about 10k in college loans). She plans on eloping at the courthouse sometime within next month and wants to have the actual wedding next summer. She is interviewing, has one job offer, but waiting for another job offer to come through to start working in August/September. She did ask us for 10/12k towards her wedding already to be provided as soon as possible. We tried to talk to her about staying engaged for a year and getting married next summer. Reason being, she needs to be gainfully employed and cover her own wedding cost with us helping pay a fraction of 10k; covering some of the wedding expenses directly (paying the actual bill) instead of just giving lump sum. She does not plan on inviting us to the courthouse when she elopes, but of course everyone will be at the actual wedding next summer. We still have two other kids at home in middle school. What strategy would you use to talk some sense into her?

The "actual wedding" is when she goes to the courthouse and the officiant declared her married and the necessary formalities have occurred.

You're a little confused, you're thinking of the "reception," which is just a party. That can be as simple as punch and cake in your backyard when they get done with the courthouse wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're being unreasonable.
-She should cover her expenses once married.
-why would you pay wedding expenses but not give money as a lump sum? Is there a difference? Money is fungible, so you're splitting hairs.

You need to decide how much money you want to give all of your children for their weddings. What you give to #1 will need to be the same as what you give to the other two (indexed for inflation since one of your kids is so much younger). And then give her that amount in a lump sum. When I was engaged, my parents sat us down, handed us a check and then I planned my wedding. That's what happened with friends as well and what we'll do with our own children.

OP should pay no money for her daughters post wedding unnecessary party.

When is eloping and isn't even inviting OP.

So be it. Let her figure the party out herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at some of these responses. I will give my kids $X amount of money regardless of whether they elope, have a 100k wedding or a cheap wedding. It's a gift to my child after all.

You don't think the parents should at least be invited to the wedding? I feel like they have to have some self respect.

They are invited! I actually had lots of friends who had courthouse marriages prior to the real weddings (sometimes because it was out of state or needed for military issues). All friends considered the wedding to be their real wedding. A courthouse marriage isn't that much different than getting a license at the courthouse before your wedding.

. LOL what a collection of greedy, avaricious, money hungry nabobs. The actual wedding is when they get married at the courthouse. Not the ostentatious party AFTER the actual wedding.

The expectation when a couple decides to elope is that there IS no reception..

That's what elopement means-- escape from the bounds of the traditional unnecessary trappings and just getting married because you want to spend your lives together