How do I handle bad eating habits with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as — obesity takes years and years to make you sick, and it’s now extremely treatable anyway. An eating disorder can kill you in a couple of years and cannot be cured. I would rather have a fat daughter than a daughter with a terrible relationship to food and her own body. And if she decides she wants to lose weight I’ll be here to help.

I agree with all of this except the last sentence. I have spent a lifetime trying without permanent success to loose 10-20 pounds, so I am not sure what help I would be. Its not knowing how to do it that is the problem.

Well, a little bit of nutrition education goes a long way (I was 20 before I realized how many calories cheese has!) but GLP-1 inhibitors are available now if just trying doesn’t work for her. It does for some people but not for everyone!

Sorry, missing double negative It's not not knowing how to do it that is the problem. Of course a lifetime of ineffectual dieting has taught me a dietician's education worth of nutritional information. I could calorie and fat and protein count most foods in my head and know all about good fats and better carbs and ultra processed food etc. GLP-1 is a solution to the problem for many. Fortunately, I haven't needed it. I just live life 15 pounds heavier than I'd like and perfectly healthy physically but completely disordered when it comes to food. I hope to spare my daughter the third part of that sentence.

I’m just thinking of myself here — I spent a lot of time just ignorant, and I think my daughter is too. Which is fine! I’d rather she eats the stuff she likes and enjoys, and there’s time to count calories at some point if she wants to. (I am now, to lose baby weight, and it’s not like it’s fun but it’s not making me unhappy.) I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience and I hope you’re successful in sparing your daughter and that I am too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Here is an example of her day yesterday: eggs and wheat toast for breakfast at home, turkey sandwich with pretzels and fruit at home for lunch. Then she went to a friend’s house for a sleepover and had the following from 2pm on: fries and milkshake for a snack at the mall, popcorn and candy at the movies, chicken tenders and fries for dinner, and then they baked cupcakes and had those for dessert at her friend’s house. Again, this is not a one off, every weekend is starting to look like this and she and her friends also like to go to Dunkin or Starbucks after school some days as well.

OP, how do you know all of this? How do you have a detailed list of what she ate while not in your presence? That screams red flag to me that you are being over controlling about her food. I know it's a delicate balance but please, coming from someone who has had an eating disorder her entire adult life, tread carefully. Being diligent about documenting everything I ate as a teenager ruined me for life.

This stuck out to me too. Like her mother is asking her to account for what she ate while she was out. Not good.

This is OP - the reason I know is because she has a debit card and I was looking at the charges for a different reason and saw charges at a food place in the mall and then at the movies and they were kind of expensive so I was trying to understand what she spent the money on and she told me. Then I asked her what she had for dinner after eating that and she told me about the rest and I told her that sounds like a lot of food for one day and she needs to think about making some healthier choices some of the time.

The prying on what else she ate isn't great (she knows what you are asking). You could have gotten away with - wow that's a lot of food if you said it not in a critical way, but the bolded part is going to give her a complex. She knows. She doesn't need you to tell her. Talk about nutrition - glad you had the chicken fingers - they have protein you need. That's all I would say.

But why can’t OP just say that’s too much junk food? Because it is. Regardless of how much broccoli she eats or doesn’t eat- it’s still too much junk food for any given day. If she is eating like this on a regular basis when out with friends- I think it’s the right thing to do to have a talk with her about moderation and eating more balanced, and what that looks like, especially when out with friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I just saw the stats you posted. My DD is 5.0 and 137lbs but the doctor isn’t worrried about her weight because she’s plays two sports and a lot of it is muscle.
Don’t look at just her weight, look at overall health.
Maybe for now sge can cut down to one junk meal on a weekend day and one junk treat. But see if she can self manage that.

You didn't include age, but 5'0 137 is unlikely to be "mostly muscle". Don't lie to yourself about this.

I’m the PP. it’s always in the back of my mind but she is just built solid. Always has been. The doctor said it’s fine because she’s so athletic. She doesn’t look overweight when I compare her to her peers. She’s definitely not skinny though.

[Anonymous]

I have always felt that the risk of contributing to giving the teen an eating disorder was much much worse than having them be a little overweight.

[Anonymous]

The Starbucks and Dunkin habits so many teens (and adults) have is awful. I've been telling my 12 year old this for years. Stopping at Starbucks for a sugar bomb drink is the equivalent of eating a big bowl of ice cream and is a terrible habit. My DD is too busy to be doing this after school and most weekends too. Get your kid involved in more extracurriculars as others have said.

[Anonymous]

She has too much free time and money. If she’s not doing sports she needs a job. You’re right to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as — obesity takes years and years to make you sick, and it’s now extremely treatable anyway. An eating disorder can kill you in a couple of years and cannot be cured. I would rather have a fat daughter than a daughter with a terrible relationship to food and her own body. And if she decides she wants to lose weight I’ll be here to help.

I agree with all of this except the last sentence. I have spent a lifetime trying without permanent success to loose 10-20 pounds, so I am not sure what help I would be. Its not knowing how to do it that is the problem.

Well, a little bit of nutrition education goes a long way (I was 20 before I realized how many calories cheese has!) but GLP-1 inhibitors are available now if just trying doesn’t work for her. It does for some people but not for everyone!

Sorry, missing double negative It's not not knowing how to do it that is the problem. Of course a lifetime of ineffectual dieting has taught me a dietician's education worth of nutritional information. I could calorie and fat and protein count most foods in my head and know all about good fats and better carbs and ultra processed food etc. GLP-1 is a solution to the problem for many. Fortunately, I haven't needed it. I just live life 15 pounds heavier than I'd like and perfectly healthy physically but completely disordered when it comes to food. I hope to spare my daughter the third part of that sentence.

I’m just thinking of myself here — I spent a lot of time just ignorant, and I think my daughter is too. Which is fine! I’d rather she eats the stuff she likes and enjoys, and there’s time to count calories at some point if she wants to. (I am now, to lose baby weight, and it’s not like it’s fun but it’s not making me unhappy.) I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience and I hope you’re successful in sparing your daughter and that I am too.

Thank you! It is sad to see another generation going through this despite all we know. Eating disorders are now widespread in boys too. And now girls feel pressure to do botox and plastic surgery in their 20s plus all the hair removal stuff those of us who grew up in the 80s didn't have to worry about. Scary to have a 12 year old on the verge of entering all that social pressure and not able to do anything about it except perhaps not amplify it in any way at home.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks she should just tell DD to cut it out since she’s gaining weight? And yes I had a teen DD who also tended to gain weight and guess what she hadn’t realized the connection. Teens are not necessarily mini adults who will connect the dots and realize that some friends can eat anything and not gain weight or that the extra tall drink has so much added sugar. They just want to do what everybody does, so they go along with the crowd. Not sure why everybody thinks it’s body shaming or will lead to an ED.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if I missed this, but the fat seems to be a consequence of two things:

Too much free time to be a consumerist layabout instead of something slightly self developmental like athletics, academics, arts, chores, or volunteer work.

Too much money being rained down on her by her parents or friends' parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always felt that the risk of contributing to giving the teen an eating disorder was much much worse than having them be a little overweight.

The kid already has an eating disorder that mom is trying to stop. Constantly sugar bombing is an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I just saw the stats you posted. My DD is 5.0 and 137lbs but the doctor isn’t worrried about her weight because she’s plays two sports and a lot of it is muscle.
Don’t look at just her weight, look at overall health.
Maybe for now sge can cut down to one junk meal on a weekend day and one junk treat. But see if she can self manage that.

You didn't include age, but 5'0 137 is unlikely to be "mostly muscle". Don't lie to yourself about this.

I’m the PP. it’s always in the back of my mind but she is just built solid. Always has been. The doctor said it’s fine because she’s so athletic. She doesn’t look overweight when I compare her to her peers. She’s definitely not skinny though.

Can she push heavy weights with her arms and legs? Throw shot put on the track&field team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as — obesity takes years and years to make you sick, and it’s now extremely treatable anyway. An eating disorder can kill you in a couple of years and cannot be cured. I would rather have a fat daughter than a daughter with a terrible relationship to food and her own body. And if she decides she wants to lose weight I’ll be here to help.

I agree with all of this except the last sentence. I have spent a lifetime trying without permanent success to loose 10-20 pounds, so I am not sure what help I would be. Its not knowing how to do it that is the problem.

Well, a little bit of nutrition education goes a long way (I was 20 before I realized how many calories cheese has!) but GLP-1 inhibitors are available now if just trying doesn’t work for her. It does for some people but not for everyone!

Sorry, missing double negative It's not not knowing how to do it that is the problem. Of course a lifetime of ineffectual dieting has taught me a dietician's education worth of nutritional information. I could calorie and fat and protein count most foods in my head and know all about good fats and better carbs and ultra processed food etc. GLP-1 is a solution to the problem for many. Fortunately, I haven't needed it. I just live life 15 pounds heavier than I'd like and perfectly healthy physically but completely disordered when it comes to food. I hope to spare my daughter the third part of that sentence.

I’m just thinking of myself here — I spent a lot of time just ignorant, and I think my daughter is too. Which is fine! I’d rather she eats the stuff she likes and enjoys, and there’s time to count calories at some point if she wants to. (I am now, to lose baby weight, and it’s not like it’s fun but it’s not making me unhappy.) I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience and I hope you’re successful in sparing your daughter and that I am too.

There's a large gap between "counting calories" and "counting milkshakes".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13yo is roughly the size of OP’s kid (taller) and she’s just hungry all the time. We don’t keep junk food on the house but you can gain just as much weight on roast chicken and brown rice as you can on donuts, if you eat enough of them.

I dare you to eat 6 donuts today and then 6 cups of roast chicken tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it as — obesity takes years and years to make you sick, and it’s now extremely treatable anyway. An eating disorder can kill you in a couple of years and cannot be cured. I would rather have a fat daughter than a daughter with a terrible relationship to food and her own body. And if she decides she wants to lose weight I’ll be here to help.

I agree with all of this except the last sentence. I have spent a lifetime trying without permanent success to loose 10-20 pounds, so I am not sure what help I would be. Its not knowing how to do it that is the problem.

10-20 lbs is a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13yo DD is overweight (per her pediatrician) and we have been trying delicately to get her to eat healthier and be more active but it’s really difficult.

I can also do nothing but that feels equally crazy since this is impacting her health. What is the middle ground? Has anyone else dealt with this?

How much overweight? That matters a lot.