The Hidden Burden on Middle-Class Families in Public Schools

[Anonymous]

We solved for this by opting out from the very beginning (pre-K) and therefore not subjecting ourselves to lectures or cold looks from fellow parents who were mad at us for peeling off. If someone asks us why private we give an inoffensive answer “class sizes” which yeah is true but there’s a lot of other reasons I won’t say bc it would make them feel like I’m denigrating public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We bit the bullet this year and put our kids in a private Catholic school. Best decision ever, but hardly a socially optimal outcome.

Can you expand more on the social aspect?

It’s not socially optimal because I’d prefer a free public school that I could rely on.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are correct OP. Some of the snarky, shaming voices are starting to quiet as the problem is accelerating. All of my friends who were public school teachers have now left within the last 5 years, because of the obvious problems you cite. Unless you are in a high income, segregated neighborhood, public schools are over.

Even if you’re in a high income, segregated neighborhood, the teachers coming out of college now are clearly trained to teach to the bottom to low middle. They are no longer expected to teach all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s something I’ve noticed more clearly as my kids get older — especially in progressive or urban public school spaces — and I wonder if others feel it too.

There’s this quiet but powerful expectation that middle- and upper-middle-class families (especially with “easy” kids) have a social obligation to stay in the public system. That we should “share space” with higher-needs peers — not just in theory, but in the actual experience of the classroom: absorbing disruptions, lowered expectations, limited differentiation, and the constant shifting of instructional time toward emotional or behavioral management.

The message isn’t always explicit, but it’s there: If you leave, you’re abandoning equity. If you stay, your child’s stability is the price you pay.

Meanwhile, families who are truly wealthy — who can afford $45K+/year private schools without blinking — face no such guilt. They opt out completely, and no one expects them to justify it. But the “responsibility” of sticking it out seems to land squarely on the shoulders of those who are just well off enough to have options, but not wealthy enough to float above the system entirely.

Of course high-needs students deserve support. But what often gets lost is that your average, well-behaved, academically prepared child also deserves to learn in peace, at a steady pace, with teachers who are able to teach — not just manage. And when that kind of classroom becomes rare, families like mine are left with a false choice: stay and sacrifice growth, or leave and be labeled selfish.

At some point, I stopped feeling guilty for choosing clarity, structure, and consistency — even if that means looking outside the traditional public system.

You lost me at progressive your agenda is loud and clear and you clearly have no
Real wealth. .

I am extremely wealthy my children went to public school and boarding school depending on the child . Public schools by far a better education.

Public schools matriculating off to college more prepared


Again your stupidity is glaring.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, no one really wants your white kid at an almost all minority public school. You think you are doing us a favor by enrolling your child as if it is some altruistic sacrifice but in actuality we find you incredibly annoying and entitled. There are actually majority minority schools that are doing well. There are incredibly bright and academically advanced students at our school.

Let's be honest now. You are at our almost all FARM public school because:

a) You can't really afford private school even though your act like you can

b)Your kid is a massive behavior problem/ has intense needs (but you just think they are a "free spirit" and so original). We all know no private school will take them or they have been kicked out of one or more private schools. As a result so many of the kids at our school think white kids are odd.

c) You have this white savior complex and think you are somehow blessing us with your presence. Then you want to come and run things and show us how it is done. You demand an overabundance of time with teachers and administrators.

d) Your kid isn't that smart and can't compete with the high performing students in a super high performing school. So you think by having your kid enroll at our school they will be the top student in the grade.

[Anonymous]

So much of this conversation has nothing to do with any kid’s education. Parents should exit the conversation. Pick the best school for the kid. Kids are not responsible for saving anything in society. Adults are responsible for creating a society worth saving for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We solved for this by opting out from the very beginning (pre-K) and therefore not subjecting ourselves to lectures or cold looks from fellow parents who were mad at us for peeling off. If someone asks us why private we give an inoffensive answer “class sizes” which yeah is true but there’s a lot of other reasons I won’t say bc it would make them feel like I’m denigrating public schools.

I have a similar response to people. We went to a Pre-K program at a private. When people ask why we chose private, I just say we liked what we saw at the school so much we stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s something I’ve noticed more clearly as my kids get older — especially in progressive or urban public school spaces — and I wonder if others feel it too.

There’s this quiet but powerful expectation that middle- and upper-middle-class families (especially with “easy” kids) have a social obligation to stay in the public system. That we should “share space” with higher-needs peers — not just in theory, but in the actual experience of the classroom: absorbing disruptions, lowered expectations, limited differentiation, and the constant shifting of instructional time toward emotional or behavioral management.

The message isn’t always explicit, but it’s there: If you leave, you’re abandoning equity. If you stay, your child’s stability is the price you pay.

Meanwhile, families who are truly wealthy — who can afford $45K+/year private schools without blinking — face no such guilt. They opt out completely, and no one expects them to justify it. But the “responsibility” of sticking it out seems to land squarely on the shoulders of those who are just well off enough to have options, but not wealthy enough to float above the system entirely.

Of course high-needs students deserve support. But what often gets lost is that your average, well-behaved, academically prepared child also deserves to learn in peace, at a steady pace, with teachers who are able to teach — not just manage. And when that kind of classroom becomes rare, families like mine are left with a false choice: stay and sacrifice growth, or leave and be labeled selfish.

At some point, I stopped feeling guilty for choosing clarity, structure, and consistency — even if that means looking outside the traditional public system.

You lost me at progressive your agenda is loud and clear and you clearly have no
Real wealth. .

I am extremely wealthy my children went to public school and boarding school depending on the child . Public schools by far a better education.

Public schools matriculating off to college more prepared


Again your stupidity is glaring.

If you are rich, can we assume the public school you are talking about is located in a wealthy homogeneous neighborhood with wealthy families? Do you think that is the situation described in the OP?

Some public schools are wealthier and more segregated than some privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no one really wants your white kid at an almost all minority public school. You think you are doing us a favor by enrolling your child as if it is some altruistic sacrifice but in actuality we find you incredibly annoying and entitled. There are actually majority minority schools that are doing well. There are incredibly bright and academically advanced students at our school.

Let's be honest now. You are at our almost all FARM public school because:

a) You can't really afford private school even though your act like you can

b)Your kid is a massive behavior problem/ has intense needs (but you just think they are a "free spirit" and so original). We all know no private school will take them or they have been kicked out of one or more private schools. As a result so many of the kids at our school think white kids are odd.

c) You have this white savior complex and think you are somehow blessing us with your presence. Then you want to come and run things and show us how it is done. You demand an overabundance of time with teachers and administrators.

d) Your kid isn't that smart and can't compete with the high performing students in a super high performing school. So you think by having your kid enroll at our school they will be the top student in the grade.

They don’t want you kid, just your tax money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s something I’ve noticed more clearly as my kids get older — especially in progressive or urban public school spaces — and I wonder if others feel it too.

There’s this quiet but powerful expectation that middle- and upper-middle-class families (especially with “easy” kids) have a social obligation to stay in the public system. That we should “share space” with higher-needs peers — not just in theory, but in the actual experience of the classroom: absorbing disruptions, lowered expectations, limited differentiation, and the constant shifting of instructional time toward emotional or behavioral management.

The message isn’t always explicit, but it’s there: If you leave, you’re abandoning equity. If you stay, your child’s stability is the price you pay.

Meanwhile, families who are truly wealthy — who can afford $45K+/year private schools without blinking — face no such guilt. They opt out completely, and no one expects them to justify it. But the “responsibility” of sticking it out seems to land squarely on the shoulders of those who are just well off enough to have options, but not wealthy enough to float above the system entirely.

Of course high-needs students deserve support. But what often gets lost is that your average, well-behaved, academically prepared child also deserves to learn in peace, at a steady pace, with teachers who are able to teach — not just manage. And when that kind of classroom becomes rare, families like mine are left with a false choice: stay and sacrifice growth, or leave and be labeled selfish.

At some point, I stopped feeling guilty for choosing clarity, structure, and consistency — even if that means looking outside the traditional public system.

You lost me at progressive your agenda is loud and clear and you clearly have no
Real wealth. .

I am extremely wealthy my children went to public school and boarding school depending on the child . Public schools by far a better education.

Public schools matriculating off to college more prepared


Again your stupidity is glaring.

Person who can’t use punctuation or capitalization properly talking about other people’s stupidity. Got it.

[Anonymous]

I’m lucky to live in a state that has a variety of charters and cyber charters that are free. I found a gifted charter and it was like a small private and the teachers were highly educated, happy, and attentive to encouraging learning. I know people claim these charters “take” money from other public’s, but some are well worth it. Explore the choices you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should feel guilty for leaving the public school system if it's not working for your kid. Housing policy means that the "best" public schools often exclude most of the population due to housing prices. If anything, people moving to those areas and sending their kids to publicly funded schools are the worst. At least private school families are paying for their kids' education.

100% agree with this. Have you seen the angry parents at proposed re-districting meetings for public schools? They're literally paying for exclusion of lower SES kids so their child can attend a "quality" school paid by the public purse.

There are no "quality schools" , only "quality peer groups".

[Anonymous]

In regions that are less SES segregated but lack gifted schools, private school is much more common for middle-income folks. You via real estate, or you pay directly to a private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We bit the bullet this year and put our kids in a private Catholic school. Best decision ever, but hardly a socially optimal outcome.

Can you expand more on the social aspect?

It’s not socially optimal because I’d prefer a free public school that I could rely on.

Why? If you aren't poor, you eat private food and live in a private home. What's wrong with a private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We solved for this by opting out from the very beginning (pre-K) and therefore not subjecting ourselves to lectures or cold looks from fellow parents who were mad at us for peeling off. If someone asks us why private we give an inoffensive answer “class sizes” which yeah is true but there’s a lot of other reasons I won’t say bc it would make them feel like
I’m denigrating public schools.

This is pretty much the only acceptable answer. I tell people my older (quirky) son needed the smaller class and I send my younger, non-quirky son as well to keep it simple. The truth is much more nuanced.