Do some parents get lucky with easy kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one of each. It's the second one who is now 18 and has always been super easy. But I think it's in part from watching her older sister always be difficult and realizing that that's not the best way to get what you want. I also think that she has tried to compensate for her sister's diffcultness by not making waves.

At some point, this will probably lead her to therapy.

The older one too. I lived this dynamic and it’s been difficult to get out from under. My parents were not equipped to raise children and it was a lot for both of us. My sibling married young to a much more functional family to get away from it. She’s still the “easy” one even when she’s not.

[Anonymous]

If you have easy kids, is teaching them to do stuff a little like training a dog?

I have four kids with varying levels of difficulty, although my oldest is the most difficult, so my other kids are easy in comparison.
Anyway, we got a puppy about a year ago, and I have been amazed that all of the stuff in the puppy training book just works. I just kind of followed the instructions and potty trained my dog and taught him to sit and play fetch and lay under the table when we eat. Sometimes when I see dogs pulling on a leash or jumping up, I catch myself wondering why people don’t just teach their dogs. And I remember people kind of saying that to me about my kids.

My kids weren’t like this at all. Nothing in the parenting books I read seemed to apply. I kind of thought people were BSing me for a long time, but now that I have had this experience with my dog, I wonder if these things all really worked for easy kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some nature and some nurture.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard kid but I work really hard and as a result she looks like an easy kid to others. I always get comments about how chill and well behaved she is in public spaces, how great it is that she'll just patiently hang out and read a book when I'm talking to other adults, or how easily she makes friends at the playground and will entertain herself, and behave well and treat other kids well, without me having to intervene or to much.

What people don't know is that she has a sensory processing disorder that requires very active management including therapy and parent training, that she had selective mutism in preschool and was constantly in trouble in her kindergarten class for being defiant and having outbursts. She's smart and a voracious reader, but the flip side of this is that she is easily bored and constantly asking questions about everything and can get easily frustrated when she doesn't understand something. I only have one kid because we knew by age 3 that she would take a lot effort and we were right. It's incredibly rewarding effort but also draining and exhausting.

Anyway, she's a well-behaved and well-adjusted 10 year old now because of all the work we've put in. And we still have to stay on top of it. We still have private struggles (still an extremely picky eater, for instance, still has strong sensory aversions that can lead to anxiety if we don't stay on top of it) but the public face you see looks like a chill, easy going child who doesn't require much parenting.

Anyway, when I see parents out struggling with a kid having a tantrum, or who is whining and complaining, or who just look exhausted and frustrated, I always make a point to tell them I have been there and offer some words of commiseration and support. The truth is that good parenting takes work. Some kids absolutely require more effort than others, and also every parent comes with a different set of resources and support systems -- something that was easy for you might be hard for someone else because they don't have the same resources.

Parents should support other parents. It's a hard and important job and we all need cheerleading.

Hey I think you’re doing great but honestly, nobody outside is going to find your child easy. They’re not. And that’s okay. You have a tough kid. She’s going to exhibit this in other relationships also. It’s important to accept the kid you have, too. People are going to notice her challenges.

[Anonymous]

A difficult child, if parented well, will grow up to be a great adult.

I was an easy kid, wanted to please everyone. I had to fight against this trait and more as an adult.

Both of my kids were difficult. But thanks to therapy, intervention, they both turned around 10, 11 years old. They are both driven and successful.

[Anonymous]

I do think empty threats and not following through on consequences will lead more to maniac levels.

[Anonymous]

I think so. But I strongly believe there are things people can do to have the best chance to have easier kids. I said easiER, not easy.

Avoid:
food dye
Screens and video games
Sugar
Processed food products
Bad influences
Any other food or activity or environment that cultivates bad behavior in your particular kid

Prioritize:
Lots of sleep
Fresh food
Movement
Kindness and communication
Respect and thinking of others
Boundaries
Love and affection
Manners gratitude

[Anonymous]

Teacher here. Absolutely, 1000%, some children are more difficult than others. Same with adults! How is this even a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Absolutely, 1000%, some children are more difficult than others. Same with adults! How is this even a question?

+1 while nurture and parenting is important, genes are HUGE when it comes to how “easy” a kid is. People really underestimate what an incredible role it plays. Kids personalities make such a difference in the experience of parenting them. Whether they have adhd, anxiety, etc (also heavily impacted by genes) plays a major role too.

But it’s really really hard if you have the easy ones to not think it’s not just your parenting because parenting is still a slog at times for most! Even with easy ones there are usually hard moments

[Anonymous]

Depends so much on personality. For example, my sister was a high achieving anxious rule follower. In some ways she was easy as she always did more than expected, liked to please people, had a major fear of ever getting in trouble etc. But as an adult, those things have been difficult.

I was a difficult kid who always got in trouble but have had an easier adulthood.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I were both very easy kids and are very successful. But we are both massive people pleasers and it has caused us all kinds of issues. We are both first born children of immigrants. My kids are not people pleasers and they are doing very well academically but they are hard kids. I think that’s okay. I think they will make their own paths and will be stronger people overall.

[Anonymous]

It's both east kids and the reactions of parents I think. You simply can't fight nature first and foremost. As hard as you try to screw up a good person you won't be able to. Ditto as much as you try to help a difficult kid, you may never succeed. I believe in being wired a certain way and that's your course. However, the way you react to situations can be managed and in some ways modify behavior. Destiny remains so you can only do so much and more importantly, you can choose how to proceed and your perspective of what it means. Sometimes that influence will mean something to another person. You never really know. It's so arbitrary and random.

I tend to think that people change their habits and not their nature and a kid at 6 will be different from 12 to 20 to 33. Their processes and interests and emotions and luck - all changing. You can't say a 15 yr old difficult kid will always be a difficult adult. But their nature will prob be the same. I think this is what you inherit from your parents - nature.

So it's important to distinguish between nature and habits. My 2 kids are very different and my experience is with 2, one is always totally different than the other. In every one of my family with 2 kids, they have all been really nice 2, but totally different paths in terms of success and interests. These are cousins who are now in 30s. One always more successful/stable/social than the other but both always same natures in terms of kindness and presentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids who have always been relatively easy. Even as toddlers, they were fun and pleasant. Sure, they were cranky when they were sick, but they are well behaved, smart, athletic, social, no real issues.

I have some friends whose are just really difficult. My friends are involved and seem like great parents who try hard. Their kids just have very difficult personalities. One friend has a kid who she said came out screaming with colic and has been hard since she was born. I have another friend whose kids dislike everything, complain constantly and really struggle socially despite having two super social, smart and successful parents.

It boils down to parenting.

[Anonymous]

It can skip a generation, my kids are angels.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Absolutely! And it’s ok, because I’m pretty sure some of us can’t handle the harder ones!
My first was extremely difficult and different. A joy, but so hard. If you don’t know, you don’t know. My second and third were a completely different experience.