Asking if anyone has experienced engaging the birth mom of your adopted child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Women give up a child for various reasons and the common denominator is this: they do not want this child and are giving it up and they want nothing to do with it ever.

That is simply untrue. In many cases, the woman DOES want the child, but circumstances make it difficult or even impossible to keep the child. That was more common in the past when having a child out of wedlock was uncommon and daycare was unheard of. If a teen got pregnant and her family wouldn't help, there wasn't much choice in the matter.

There are women who give birth in prison and face long sentences. Some of those women decide that it is not fair to the child to be kept in the foster care system for 10 or 15 years until mom is free and make the difficult but loving choice to allow their kids to be adopted.

Others have their parental rights terminated by the state --often because the kids have been neglected due to substance abuse or mental health issues. In those cases, it sometimes happens that mom is successful in turning her life around and wants to reconnect with the child.

There are all sorts of reasons women agree to have their children adopted. Reactions to being "found" vary. Some of the women are actively searching themselves.

With the laws kids cannot stay in foster care long term except if they are older and cannot be found an adoption placement or don’t want it. Day care has been around 70+ years and really many more before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out on my child’s behalf

Adoptee here. This is the adult child's journey to go on or not. I don't understand why the parents are so involved in this. Reaching out on an adult's behalf is inappropriate and disrespectful of the (adult) child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out on my child’s behalf

Adoptee here. This is the adult child's journey to go on or not. I don't understand why the parents are so involved in this. Reaching out on an adult's behalf is inappropriate and disrespectful of the (adult) child.

OP's child was actively searching already. OP's child would like to meet the birth mom. It obviously takes a lot of resources to search internationally.

[Anonymous]

13:06 here - our birth child was helped in her process by her mom (adoptive mom) and it made sense for her to get support from her parents. We are glad that her parents were able to give her help in what was an emotionally vulnerable time for her. Hope it goes well for you and your DC, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out on my child’s behalf

Adoptee here. This is the adult child's journey to go on or not. I don't understand why the parents are so involved in this. Reaching out on an adult's behalf is inappropriate and disrespectful of the (adult) child.

We adopted. I talk to the relatives a few times a week. Kids are funny about adoption and often it’s to protect the parent’s feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:06 here - our birth child was helped in her process by her mom (adoptive mom) and it made sense for her to get support from her parents. We are glad that her parents were able to give her help in what was an emotionally vulnerable time for her. Hope it goes well for you and your DC, OP!

Kids are bonded to their parents and don’t want to hurt them. To be successful with some kids it’s also about the relationships between the birth and adoptive parents as much as it is about the kids. Kids need to see everyone getting along and it being safe for them as everyone has their best interests at heart.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. We did contact this woman and she provided our child's birth certificate and the two of them have been communicating about once or twice a week. It is emotionally complex for everyone but if there is one thing that came across, it is that the birth family never stopped thinking about our child and always wondered how she was doing and if she needed help. Speaking with her has filled in and confirmed missing pieces of what we were told.

I cannot tell you where this will all wind up, but in my heart of hearts, hopefully all of us will develop a caring, respectful relationship.