Asking if anyone has experienced engaging the birth mom of your adopted child?

[Anonymous]

I have a 12yo adopted child. On paper it’s an open adoption. However when we tried reaching out via the agency when DD was a baby bio mom was “ not ready”
Around age 4 we stopped trying.
Through sleuthing we ( adoptive parents) so know where bio mom lives and it’s about 30 mins from us.
Right now DD is no interested in meeting bio family and I’m mostly thankful. If she wants to later we will support but probably use a therapist for guidance.

[Anonymous]

Supporting a child can, and in this case very likely, means causing disruption to a person and her spouse/family.
Consider that the woman in question appears to have spent much time away from hometown. Hmmm...wonder if the birth circumstances and adoption were contributing causes for that?
The adopted adult person can do genetic testing like Color for genetic disease risks. It just takes a credit card. There are other screenings that can be done wrt heritable traits.

Don't blow up someone's life.
Even "approaching" can put their relationships at risk.
Files are sealed and people stay off registries for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is very common in my extended family. One of my sibs is adopted. Many adoptees in my family, including my adopted sib, have reached out to their bio moms. Most of the "reunions" have been okay or good.

Not knowing who they "really" were was very hard on my sib. Finding bio mom really helped emotionally. A couple of years after my sib traveled to meet bio mom and half siblings the bio family had a big extended family reunion and invited my sib. Sib, sib's son, and our (her adopted) mom went. They had a great time. After that sib saw one or two of half sibs about once a year.

The family reunion caused one of bio mom's cousins to search for the son she gave up. That case was truly tragic as bio dad was in the military during Vietnam and never wrote her. He didn't know about the child. About 18 months later, bio dad reached out to old girlfriend, said Vietnam had really messed up his head. He waited to contact his old girlfriend until he got out of the service and spent about six months in therapy for PTSD. He was shocked when he found out he had a son. They married. They tried to find the child unsuccessfully. Meeting my sib made them try again. This time they were successful. Son was now legally an adult so adoptive parents couldn't stop the meeting. It turned out that the adoption was not successful and kid had unhappy childhood. He was delighted to meet his bio parents. He moved to live close to them and joined bio dad's business.

My adult child also has a friend who was a transnational, transracial adoptee. She had a spectacularly happy reunion with bio bom and sibs. I have a friend who gave up a child for adoption. She underwent extensive therapy at the time. Her bio daughter came looking for her. There were a few issues but they worked them out and are now friends. That case was complicated because bio dad also came looking at about the same time. My friend wants nothing to do with bio father. It took a while for adult adoptee child to understand that.

Feeling a need to know who they "really" are can be very important to some adoptees.That's been true for my sib and a number of other adoptees in my family. In one case, the adoptee couldn't find the bio mom and he is a screwed up mess.

I' m also into genealogy and there are TONS of adoptees searching for bio parents.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching "Long Lost Families." I prefer the British version to the US one, in part because some of its stories feature cases where the reunions go wrong. In most of those cases though there were red flags before the reunion which might have caused some adoptees to halt shy of the reunion.

Sometimes, even when the bio parent refuses contact they are sometimes willing to give the adoptee info which can help. Info re medical history, for example. In one case, the adult child searching found out that they were the product of rape and that is why bio mom didn't want to meet. Believe it or not, that HELPED the adoptee. He had always wondered why bio mom "rejected" him and getting a reason he understood helped. In that case the adult adoptee was an Evangelical who believed abortion is wrong and his reaction was something like "she did the right thing. I now know that my bio mom was a really good person with the courage of her convictions. Please let her know I am doing well in life d thank her for my life from the bottom of my heart." He also told the show to let her know he'd never try to contact her again.

There was also a documentary on PBS many years ago about another rape situation. Again, knowing why she was"rejected" helped the adoptee. Eventually, both adoptee and bio mom decided to meet. Meeting went very well.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom by adoption and just signed up for this seminar put on by the Barker Foundation. I have feelings about my sons adoption as he becomes an adult. I am not connected with this organization in anyway and I need help remaining ethical and supportive and appropriate.
https://www.barkeradoptionfoundation.org/about-us/events/ethical-support-adoptees-adulthood-live-virtual-training-dr-tony-hynes

[Anonymous]

My mom had a baby over 50 years ago that she placed up for adoption. He reached out two years ago. He just called and left a message on her home phone (she is probably the only person left with a home phone). They chatted for a bit. But then kind of blew him off. She continued to talk about him and he continued to reach out, but she never contacted him back. I eventually reach out to him. We talked and have remained in contact. He came out to visit last summer. It went pretty well and we have continued to be in contact. But mom has not fully embraced him. Part of it is due to the fact that his birth father is not the person that she thinks it was. She is adamant that it is one person, but DNA confirms a different person. This has led to some speculation that maybe she was had sex with the person, without knowing/remembering. So, maybe she was raped or taken advantage of. I think she is struggling with what she thought was the truth is not really the truth. Lots of deep emotions which have made it difficult for her to develop a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

So much empathy for birth moms. The children did not ask to be born or adopted out. They should be allowed answers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom by adoption and just signed up for this seminar put on by the Barker Foundation. I have feelings about my sons adoption as he becomes an adult. I am not connected with this organization in anyway and I need help remaining ethical and supportive and appropriate.
https://www.barkeradoptionfoundation.org/about-us/events/ethical-support-adoptees-adulthood-live-virtual-training-dr-tony-hynes

They aren’t the ones to go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an awful thing to do to someone, truly. You reaching out could absolutely ruin her peace in her life. Don't do that to someone. She's moved on. Your daughter needs a better therapist that teaches her to find peace without the external validation of others.

What an insane response. How do you know she has moved on? You might see a few smiling pictures of my mother on vacation and think she was happy with a husband and children, but the reality was that she was haunted every single day for 50 years about the child who was taken from her through adoption. She never had a moment's peace. The guilt and worry she felt was corrosive to not only her happiness but to all of us who had to live with the trauma she endured.

I found my sister through DNA after she died. It would have brought my mom SO much solace to know that her baby had been safe and treasured and healthy all those years. But she never got that gift.

[Anonymous]

Your dd needs to do this herself. You can help her, but neither of you have any idea how the birth mom will respond or whether anyone in her life now knows that she had a child.

A lot of pregnancies, even in the US, are the result of rape. Please keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar question. Birthmom and I corresponded by email occasionally until child was 4. Then I stopped getting responses and eventually got notified that the email address was closed due to not being accessed for a year.

Now kids is 11 and interested in contact, at least a phone call. Through internet searching, I found an email address and some possible phone numbers. I sent a brief note to the email - no response. Birthmom had issues with addiction in the past, I am also unsure of her status relative to that.

I have these phone numbers. Is it better to text or call? Are there other ways to reach out or handle this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is the last few months your child could sponsor their birth mother for a u.s. green card. i think age 20 is last year, although im not sure if can do it if adopted. if can do it, she might jump at opportunity to connect for that reason

This is not possible. Internationally adopted children are not legally related to their birth family.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you connect with other parents who adopted from the same country and ask if they can suggest someone in country who can facilitate communication or meeting.

We did this for our child. The person in country located and then facilitated a few phone calls over the course of a couple months. The in country person knew how to be discrete when asking questions and inquiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar question. Birthmom and I corresponded by email occasionally until child was 4. Then I stopped getting responses and eventually got notified that the email address was closed due to not being accessed for a year.

Now kids is 11 and interested in contact, at least a phone call. Through internet searching, I found an email address and some possible phone numbers. I sent a brief note to the email - no response. Birthmom had issues with addiction in the past, I am also unsure of her status relative to that.

I have these phone numbers. Is it better to text or call? Are there other ways to reach out or handle this?

I would text and ask if they are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child was adopted as a baby and is now mid twenties. Adoption took place in an Eastern European county where the records are sealed. However, through sleuthing and various leads, there is extremely compelling evidence to suggest that the birth mother is a woman now living in another country (think France, UK, Switzerland). This person is married, no children. From outward appearances (FB pictures), the couple appears solidly middle class with a penchant for traveling.

My child has been looking for a long time with spouse and I supporting the effort. There are enough facts involving dates, ages, locations, information on the records we were given, and various things we heard when visiting for the adoption that it is nearly impossible to believe we have not found the right person. But any ideas on how to approach this woman? Everything happened over 25 years ago.

How dare you infringe on her privacy! I put a child up for adoption because it was the result of a violent rape and the last thing I would ever want is any kind of contact from this illegitimate person. I was 16 years old and had parents who believed abortion was murder and it was the murder of me.

Leave this woman alone because if she had wanted this child she would not have put her up for adoption!!!

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is ungrateful for the life she has been given. She needs to leave the past in the past.