Asking if anyone has experienced engaging the birth mom of your adopted child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh, you said in mid 20s, too late to get green card i think

You should not give immigration advice when you clearly know nothing and it's not relevant anyway.

(Age 21 is the EARLIEST a child can sponsor a parent but adoption severs the legal relationship)

[Anonymous]

I made contact with my biological mother in my twenties. We had been emailing for a month or so and started discussing meeting in a few months. She took her own life before we had the chance to meet. She was married without any other children. I did get to meet many other family members at her funeral.

It can go so many different ways. My siblings that I grew up with have all experienced different results to contacting biological parents. Outright rejection. Meeting once and being told never to contact again. Biological parent moving to same city, wanting daily communication and weekly visits, holidays together etc. Be prepared for all possibilities from nothing - too much, too soon.

[Anonymous]

I would approach her for sure. She may have wondered every day of her life how her baby is doing.

I would send a short message via Facebook / Instagram. Just say that you are looking for NAME who gave up a baby for adoption on BIRTHDATE and you found some information that led to reaching out to her as she may be that person. Then let her respond / or not and gauge based on that.

[Anonymous]

Mom of kids adopted from Russia and who has friends who didn’t same. I never did birth parent searches but friends did. Many found birth parents and no birth parents wanted anything to do with the adopted kids - which raised a new set of abandonment issues.

As for reaching out, I have a friend who was adopted and who found her birth mother. She wrote a letter. They met up once. It never happened again. It was a dissatisfying experience and quite
Painful for her. The waiting time between reaching out and a response was excruciating.

If my kids elect to look for their
Birth parents, I will support them. I saved all information and put it together in a book that I put in the living room so they can access it without asking me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh, you said in mid 20s, too late to get green card i think

You should not give immigration advice when you clearly know nothing and it's not relevant anyway.

(Age 21 is the EARLIEST a child can sponsor a parent but adoption severs the legal relationship)

Okay, great information. As I said, I was not sure, thus inviting others to chime in with information. No need to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Presumably OP knows the approximate age of alleged birth mother at time of birth. Young teen? Older?
Consider possibility of rape, abuse, incest, sex work. All are among the reasons a woman might tightly compartmentalize that experience.
Are there adoptee matchup sites in the "old country"? Current country where alleged birth mother lives? Has OP's daughter registered on all of them? And US ones too in case real birth mother registered here, too? Any other matches?
Has alleged birth mother registered anywhere? Did anyone else who appears a possible match? Anyone left letter at adoption bureau?
These are all things OP has hopefully done checked or considered.
If the woman never has indicated any interest in finding "someone" then she may not be a birth mother or may not want to be found.

[Anonymous]

Sure, absolutely they should. It will be a huge benefit to get that second EU passport and move to Europe.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Would like to thank everyone for their responses. Obviously it can go in a wide range of directions. Adding:
- child is from a city of <100,000 people in a smaller country.
- was on several websites where both parents and adopted kids look for each other. Couple of leads but nothing panned out.
- few years ago, our child was in a newspaper article in this city about children looking for both parents. No leads.

We do know this women has lived out of her home country for at least 15 years so who knows if she or anyone in their family saw it.

It's a wild card. But my child is the type who will take the risk.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if you were this mother who had been date raped and decided to give up her baby for adoption.

Now this 25 year old child approaches her. Does she reject him, which will cause the adult child to suffer rejection a second time? Does she tell him the truth, that his father was a rapist, which would introduce a new level of trauma.

And who knows what her current husband knows. If he had no idea, and this comes to light, he might be uncomfortable that his wife hadn't shared this part of her past with him.

I just hope the 25 yo can appreciate all the reasons this may not go the way he is hoping for and doesn't let it cause him to feel depressed, abandoned, rejected, etc. all over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the birth mother's spouse never told anyone that she got pregnant and gave up the child.

I know of a person who reached out to birth family and they wanted nothing to do with her. I don't think she'll ever fully recover from that.

OP - that's the obvious concern. Was hoping that as this woman does not have other children, it might be easier vs. Also having to explain herself to other kids.

This is a horrible idea.

This woman deserves her privacy.

This is why adoption is not always good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is the last few months your child could sponsor their birth mother for a u.s. green card. i think age 20 is last year, although im not sure if can do it if adopted. if can do it, she might jump at opportunity to connect for that reason

Who wants to get in here now?!

[Anonymous]

I am from Eastern Europe and I really don’t think this will go in any way well for the child (or the birth mom.) Culturally, there is a strings but also very much a severing of any potential connection. Maybe it will work out but most likely not.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out on my child’s behalf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made contact with my biological mother in my twenties. We had been emailing for a month or so and started discussing meeting in a few months. She took her own life before we had the chance to meet. She was married without any other children. I did get to meet many other family members at her funeral.

It can go so many different ways. My siblings that I grew up with have all experienced different results to contacting biological parents. Outright rejection. Meeting once and being told never to contact again. Biological parent moving to same city, wanting daily communication and weekly visits, holidays together etc. Be prepared for all possibilities from nothing - too much, too soon.

Did you reaching out cause a spiral?

[Anonymous]

What an awful thing to do to someone, truly. You reaching out could absolutely ruin her peace in her life. Don't do that to someone. She's moved on. Your daughter needs a better therapist that teaches her to find peace without the external validation of others.