Bed without dinner

[Anonymous]

She is 9.

Be careful about punishments. Don’t do this one again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should eat uou mommy dearest

What a psycho she is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. You each spoke to her calmly, but issued the ultimatum, “eat now or not at all”? That doesn’t sound like deescalation. Next time, tell her to take the time that she needs to calm down and that there will be a plate waiting for her when she’s ready. Just fix her a plate and stick it in the fridge. You can still go ahead and clean up the kitchen. Kids need food; don’t withhold it as a punishment.

No. She was upset and in her room. We said it’s time for dinner. She said she wasn’t eating. Over the course of 30 minutes, each of us went to her room to talk to her, and said we knew she was upset but this is time for dinner if she wants to eat. She came to the table once and we said the same thing - this is dinner if you want to eat. It wasn’t an ultimatum or a punishment - it was dinner time.

I offered her bread and butter when she finally wanted to eat after last chance and she refused that because she wanted “dinner.”

For some background, she has a very long history of waiting until after last chance to say she wanted to do something. We gave in a lot when she was younger but for the past several years we’ve been very firm about last chance. So there’s definitely a bit of her wanting to do things exactly when she wants to do them. It wasn’t that she calmed down and then wanted to eat - more like she waited out the clock and then wanted to eat.

I’m trying to think through how it would have worked to say “you can eat whenever you’re ready” instead of “you can eat when you’re ready within this time period.” Would you let her eat whenever? Even at bedtime? I feel like our kids would exploit that.

I think this behavior from you and your dh is abusive.

It is. CPS would think so too. Withholding food in this manner would be grounds for removal of the child from the home. Someone should call them on OP. She better hope the child doesn’t tell a mandatory reporter what happened.

They didn’t withhold food! They told the kid over and over and over with multiple warnings that if she didn’t eat by x time then kitchen was closed. The kid didn’t come down; brushed her teeth. Do you think it’s a coincidence that 5 minutes after their time she was suddenly hungry? No, this was a power struggle; the kid was trying to regain control, but parents are too.

Go into any school and you’ll see all these kids with oppositional defiance, throwing chairs, clearing classrooms at a level never seen before in history. Is it biological? No. Parents are letting their children run the household. You refuse to eat chicken and broccoli and 5 minutes later I should give you bread and butter? A sugary PBJ. Do you all not see how the kids are calling all the shots? And it’s not going well. They aren’t happier because they get their way, they are anxious and depressed. We need to do something. And freaking out about one meal missed because the kid actively refused to eat—-then calling cps on a family for this ? Please. Please, the parenting trend needs to change. Not authoritarian, but yes authoritative.

[Anonymous]

I personaly would not have done this. More likely to have said "here's a pjb and glass of milk, eat it in your room then lights out."

[Anonymous]

The issue here is that the child was upset. The parents did a bad job because they tried to force their child to not be upset by using dinner. I’ve learned this the hard way with my kids too but you can’t just force kids to not be upset. Tying dinner to it was a very bad idea. Imagine as a grown up if you weren’t allowed to eat because you were upset at the wrong moment. Bad job by the parents. Let her be upset. If she’s missing dinner every night that’s a different thing then you can reevaluate all the routines and things in place that may help, but if it’s just one off you can just give her space. Don’t try to exert maximum control at the moment when it’s most difficult and frankly isn’t even necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you all read OP’s responses? She realizes it wasn’t ideal parenting, she’s listening to our suggestions, please be open to helping her instead of tearing her down. NONE of us are perfect parents.

And you all act like 9 year olds don’t know how to manipulate and push boundaries. Thats what the 9 year old was doing here—she was pushing boundaries and op cited a history of giving in and it not going well. It sounds like op realizes that witholding the food isn’t the best way next time. I’m one of the few who suggested making the plate. My kids would have loved a PBJ or bread and butter over some of the balanced dinners, so this alternative would probably create more conflict in my house so they could get a sweet PBJ before bed 😆 but once op finds her rhythm and what works, I trust they’ll be better off.

Many of us are responding with explanations of what was wrong, why it was wrong, and specific suggestions for changes. Please don’t lump us in with the trolls calling names or threatening CPS.

[Anonymous]

Y’all are weirdos. Food should never be punishment.

“Your plate is in the fridge when you decide to eat. Remember you need to eat by 8:30 since bedtime is 9.”

And then leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Eh one of my kids was upset the other night and we let him eat at a tray in a different room. It’s not a regular thing but he and his sister weren't getting along. It was better than a power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Sick sick sick

[Anonymous]

The OP probably tried to follow advice from some nutter on DCUm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y’all are weirdos. Food should never be punishment.

“Your plate is in the fridge when you decide to eat. Remember you need to eat by 8:30 since bedtime is 9.”

And then leave her alone.

How is this any different? What if she says at 9:05 she’s no longer sad and wants to eat? Do they hold the boundary then?
I don’t think their response is unreasonable given their child didn’t seem really upset, more so trying to push the boundary the parent was setting. Mentioning CPS?! WTF.
We have 1 dinner time in our house and we do close the kitchen after this. Our kids are also little and help minimally with cleanup, bedtime. If we were catering like this to our kids when they chose because they had arguments with their siblings, everyone would be upset.

[Anonymous]

If it's rare it's fine. Sometimes if you act up enough you spoil your chances for a pleasant evening. Going to bed hungry a few times won't damage your average kid. It's more of an issue if it starts becoming a pattern

[Anonymous]

I am a little confused because it sounds like you gave her some food? Just not dinner?

If you gave her something I don’t think that was a mistake. I think the mistake was engaging over and over. I have a child like this who loves power struggles and one who loves attention. My husband used to play into it *so* badly and it just kept getting worse. He would have done what you did.

We eventually did a parent training class that was very focused on not rewarding bad behavior with more attention. I’m not even sure your kids behavior was *bad* but like others I would have left her alone and then at then provided some sort of food that minimally inconvenienced me and was not some how better than dinner. Even if it’s bedtime a string cheese and banana would take 2 minutes.

[Anonymous]

White parents? Ok.

[Anonymous]

I would say let her have something to eat but she has to prepare something simple herself that does not cause work for you and does not cause disruption to the rest of the family’s evening routine.