What's your judgmental relationship opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women who are still happily married after 20+ years are just wilfully ignoring their partner's flaws to be happy. I can't understand it. But none of the marriages in my extended family are or were happy so I clearly don't know anything.

Yes, this is right! This is how to live with another person - you have to be blind about some things. But it's not a bad thing.

Right, no human being is perfect. We all have flaws. Does PP think the only marriages that are happy are between perfect people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

+1 unless it's a second marriage with kids, IMO separate finances mean you don't trust each other and have one foot out of the relationship to start with.

I give a pass to the 2nd marriage because you have to protect your kids and odds are 2nd marriages are more likely to fail anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I judge when people post Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday, or Happy Mother's/Father's Day posts on social media. YOU LIVE WITH YOUR SPOUSE - JUST TELL THEM IN REAL PERSON. I am totally judging you for the fact that you need external validation of how great your marriage/spouse is. It's pathetic.

Agreed. I think that most people posting these messages feel very insecure in their marriages. Or they are cheating and trying to hide it.

+1 a few years ago I spent an evening with a friend who spent the whole time talking about how miserable she was in her marriage and was considering leaving. A couple days later she posted an over-the-top lovey dovey anniversary message on FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

Why? My DH and I have been happily married for 20 years. When we met I had been working for a few years and had my own money. It felt like compromising my independence to share everything. I certainly didn’t want him going over my credit card bills. Perhaps o was jaded given the experience some women in my family had with over controlling husbands. Anyway, years went by, we consider all of our money “ours” and one or the other pays for things as they come up, big expenses we tend to split. There is no accounting of who paid what. It works for us. That being said we make somewhat similar salaries.

[Anonymous]

I'm judgy about people who complain a lot about their spouses (or fight in front of other people more than an odd occasion) and also ones who brag a lot or go on too much about how great the spouse is. Something is wrong and you need to get real. No marriage is perfect or if it's so terrible, do something or break the complaining/public arguing habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on, tell us...what's your judgy-est, snobbiest thought about relationships?

Mine is that I've never met a marriage between high school sweethearts that I'm jealous of.

I've. They are interracial, interfaith and together since high school. Did go to college and grad schools in different states but kept coming back to each other, had wedding at 25 and are happily married now for years and both are quite successful. Families were skeptical but eventually came around seeing their dedication.

I’ve? Very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

+1 unless it's a second marriage with kids, IMO separate finances mean you don't trust each other and have one foot out of the relationship to start with.

I give a pass to the 2nd marriage because you have to protect your kids and odds are 2nd marriages are more likely to fail anyway.

Meh. My husband and I have been married 16 years with no end in sight, and we have separate finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

Why? My DH and I have been happily married for 20 years. When we met I had been working for a few years and had my own money. It felt like compromising my independence to share everything. I certainly didn’t want him going over my credit card bills. Perhaps o was jaded given the experience some women in my family had with over controlling husbands. Anyway, years went by, we consider all of our money “ours” and one or the other pays for things as they come up, big expenses we tend to split. There is no accounting of who paid what. It works for us. That being said we make somewhat similar salaries.

It sounds less like you both keep separate finances and more like neither of you are particularly interested in managing your finances, so you never really cleaned them up.

DH and I did this for a couple of years when we were first married. I finished residency before he did, so my income became 8 times what his was, and we merged. If that hadn’t happened, we probably would have stayed separate indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I judge -- and I know SO MANY of these including my very best friend:
The couple gets married in the courthouse for the health insurance and keep it quiet. Move in together and save up for four or five years for the $100000 gala wedding she's dreaming of. Then expect plenty of cash gifts "to help us start our life together."
You're already married, you've been married for years, and you would have a nice start if you hadn't spent so much on this wedding. We could have had an inexpensive party after your courthouse ceremony FIVE YEARS AGO that would have been just as fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

Why? My DH and I have been happily married for 20 years. When we met I had been working for a few years and had my own money. It felt like compromising my independence to share everything. I certainly didn’t want him going over my credit card bills. Perhaps o was jaded given the experience some women in my family had with over controlling husbands. Anyway, years went by, we consider all of our money “ours” and one or the other pays for things as they come up, big expenses we tend to split. There is no accounting of who paid what. It works for us. That being said we make somewhat similar salaries.

We're the same as you (13 years married.) It works for us too. My friends and sisters (who are all SAHMs) find it appalling but personally I find it appalling when they have to text their husband to put money in their account when we're out shopping or something.

[Anonymous]

That unless they make $1m+ and insisted their wives stay home, all men with sah wives and school aged or older kids feel resentful and slowly fall out of love and respect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about people who complain a lot about their spouses (or fight in front of other people more than an odd occasion) and also ones who brag a lot or go on too much about how great the spouse is. Something is wrong and you need to get real. No marriage is perfect or if it's so terrible, do something or break the complaining/public arguing habit.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm judgy about married couples that maintain separate finances.

I found out a close friend of mine does this. They have multiple kids and have been together for many years. I think it’s genius!

I don't know how you do that practically. Does husband get to eat the food I buy or the meals I make or does he venmo me the money? If I paint a room or do work on the house do I charge the labor? I think it's stupid because if you divorce, none of that matters anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I judge -- and I know SO MANY of these including my very best friend:
The couple gets married in the courthouse for the health insurance and keep it quiet. Move in together and save up for four or five years for the $100000 gala wedding she's dreaming of. Then expect plenty of cash gifts "to help us start our life together."
You're already married, you've been married for years, and you would have a nice start if you hadn't spent so much on this wedding. We could have had an inexpensive party after your courthouse ceremony FIVE YEARS AGO that would have been just as fun.

One of my best friends did this and i didn't give a gift. They have more money than I do, aren't starting their life together and don't need a toaster.

I did pay for gas, three days in an ABB and food to attend their "wedding."

Happy to celebrate their love but I am not giving you any cash at 45 and 50.

[Anonymous]

I'm quite okay with ONE divorce. I think that it's somewhat common for people to get married for poor reasons or do it too young, etc. If you put in the work, your second time around should be far better because you go in wiser with more self-awareness and experience around what makes you tick. You're also older, which implies a bit more experience. However, someone with two divorces should be avoided like herpes.