older relatives always asking if my DD is "seeing anyone"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

Who are you banging? How’s it going?

Right? It is jus so rude and unimportant to so many people. People who ask it just look shallow and uninformed, especially in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

It's a rude question because it goes directly to a person's vulnerability. If a person is unhappy about that area of their life, it's a painful conversation and there's no good answer.

I don’t ask this question but it is also true that any question can be painful. Not everyone feels comfortable just piping up without questions because they think others aren’t interested. It is a tough line to draw. I always ask, “So what’s going on, anything interesting to share?” And young people always say “nothing,”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

I remember being that age and feeling sad that no one was interested in any other aspect of my life. None of the relatives asked about my travels, my conference paper, my dissertation, my career. Instead it felt like they thought I was a loser because I wasn’t married yet. I think it’s rude to treat women as one dimensional future baby breeders.

They don't ask about the careers of sons too. This is a question that is being asked for all single people of a certain age. If you cross 40, no one asks anymore.

This exactly. My family has always done this for generations. They ask about the dating lives of those in their 20s and early to mid 30s. Once the person is late 30s it dies down and by 40s they just ask about career and if the person has a significant other they think it's nice, but aren't as interested. They are focused on the breeding years when it's easiest and and safest to have babies (make sperm ages too). Yes, we are all more than our spouses and kids and getting in a bad marriage just to be married is terrible, but I get the mentality. They are in a way gently applying pressure and there is a reality that it is easiest to have kids when you are most likely to be fertile. Also, I have seen the other side with relatives and friends who wanted kids, but weren't that focused on finding a significant other. Adopting after 40 or sperm donors or fertility treatments are all challenging options. Yes, they can fulfilling and everyone knows that person for whom it was magical, though I don't. In fact I have a sibling who tells the world how amazing it to be a single mother starting in your mid 40s, but all I hear is the complaints and the constant fury that not enough people help her when she has gotten far more help from family and friends than I did and everyone is older now and has less energy. She also is locked in this idea that those of us with spouses owe her something and our husbands should fill in somehow as fathers. Of course none of this comes out when she sells how amazing it is to people outside the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

It's a rude question because it goes directly to a person's vulnerability. If a person is unhappy about that area of their life, it's a painful conversation and there's no good answer.

I don’t ask this question but it is also true that any question can be painful. Not everyone feels comfortable just piping up without questions because they think others aren’t interested. It is a tough line to draw. I always ask, “So what’s going on, anything interesting to share?” And young people always say “nothing,”

"What good movies have you seen this summer?"
"Have you been watching the Olympics?"
"We went to Chez Delicious the other night, have you seen there? What did you think?"
"What have you been making for dinner in his hot weather?"

^^^ Examples of not-painful questions that start conversations.

[Anonymous]

Depends. Do they know anyone?

[Anonymous]

My step grandmother asked my mom if I was going to college or going to get married after HS. She was just from another generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are trying gently to explain that something needs to change. As DD passes 30, her options tend to decrease.

If DD chooses to be single, that’s one thing. However many young women think they’ll have options forever when all the good guys get snapped up faster than expected. If DD wants to marry, she needs to focus her efforts better. Whether that means looking elsewhere or lowering standards remains to be seen.

I have to agree, especially since infertility is skyrocketing. If she doesn’t want children, she has forever.

My 2 daughters are planning to adopt. Stop assuming there is only one way to form a family. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the 27 year old reads DCUM posts complaining about their children, spouses, mental load crappy marriages.

Hahah. Yes! My daughter and I read this together when she visits on the weekend. I'm a single mom by choice, and she is planning on that too if she gets to 40 with no prospects. Like a previous poster, she travels the world and will finish her phd before considering marriage and family. She is 27. None of her friends are married or have kids yet.

[Anonymous]

Unless someone is worried about it themselves, a simple question wouldn't bother them.

If someone's DD or DS is married or engaged but they or their partner doesn't have a good job or a good income, a simple question about that would trigger your insecurity. If they don't have a child or a house that would trigger as well and so on.

People make small talk, if you aren't feeling insecure yourself, you shrug your shoulders and let it slide. Don't let it get to you, they likely didn't mean anything by it.

That being said, I consider this line of questioning insensitive as no one knows how other person would perceive it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

I remember being that age and feeling sad that no one was interested in any other aspect of my life. None of the relatives asked about my travels, my conference paper, my dissertation, my career. Instead it felt like they thought I was a loser because I wasn’t married yet. I think it’s rude to treat women as one dimensional future baby breeders.

They don't ask about the careers of sons too. This is a question that is being asked for all single people of a certain age. If you cross 40, no one asks anymore.

This exactly. My family has always done this for generations. They ask about the dating lives of those in their 20s and early to mid 30s. Once the person is late 30s it dies down and by 40s they just ask about career and if the person has a significant other they think it's nice, but aren't as interested. They are focused on the breeding years when it's easiest and and safest to have babies (make sperm ages too). Yes, we are all more than our spouses and kids
getting in a bad marriage just to be married is terrible, but I get the mentality. They are in a way gently applying pressure and there is a reality that it is easiest to have kids when you are most likely to be fertile. Also, I have seen the other side with relatives and friends who wanted kids, but weren't that focused on finding a significant other. Adopting after 40 or sperm donors or fertility treatments are all challenging options. Yes, they can fulfilling and everyone knows that person for whom it was magical, though I don't. In fact I have a sibling who tells the world how amazing it to be a single mother starting in your mid 40s, but all I hear is the complaints and the constant fury that not enough people help her when she has gotten far more help from family and friends than I did and everyone is older now and has less energy. She also is locked in this idea that those of us with spouses owe her something and our husbands should fill in somehow as fathers. Of course none of this comes out when she sells how amazing it is to people outside the family.

Wow. Not my experience at all.

--Single mom by choice with large network of single/ widowed/ divorced friend moms. The only complainers really are the divorced moms. I adopted my son when i was 41. I rarely had to ask for help as it was freely offered (as did I, in return).

[Anonymous]

Nobody can deny value of a harmonious family life with two good parents for a child but ideally even they should've support of a village. Nuclear families with two jobs, busy schedules without any support network isn't the way humans are suppose to raise children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are trying gently to explain that something needs to change. As DD passes 30, her options tend to decrease.

If DD chooses to be single, that’s one thing. However many young women think they’ll have options forever when all the good guys get snapped up faster than expected. If DD wants to marry, she needs to focus her efforts better. Whether that means looking elsewhere or lowering standards remains to be seen.

I have to agree, especially since infertility is skyrocketing. If she doesn’t want children, she has forever.

My 2 daughters are planning to adopt. Stop assuming there is only one way to form a family. JFC.

Adoption is in no way an easy choice. It’s an expensive, often heartbreaking, and sometimes unsuccessful way to build a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Old people are trying gently to explain that something needs to change. As DD passes 30, her options tend to decrease.

If DD chooses to be single, that’s one thing. However many young women think they’ll have options forever when all the good guys get snapped up faster than expected. If DD wants to marry, she needs to focus her efforts better. Whether that means looking elsewhere or lowering standards remains to be seen.

I have to agree, especially since infertility is skyrocketing. If she doesn’t want children, she has forever.

My 2 daughters are planning to adopt. Stop assuming there is only one way to form a family. JFC.

Adoption is in no way an easy choice. It’s an expensive, often heartbreaking, and sometimes unsuccessful way to build a family.

+1 do they have any idea what that journey is really like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would honestly never occur to me that this is a rude question.

It's a rude question because it goes directly to a person's vulnerability. If a person is unhappy about that area of their life, it's a painful conversation and there's no good answer.

I don’t ask this question but it is also true that any question can be painful. Not everyone feels comfortable just piping up without questions because they think others aren’t interested. It is a tough line to draw. I always ask, “So what’s going on, anything interesting to share?” And young people always say “nothing,”

"What good movies have you seen this summer?"
"Have you been watching the Olympics?"
"We went to Chez Delicious the other night, have you seen there? What did you think?"
"What have you been making for dinner in his hot weather?"

^^^ Examples of not-painful questions that start conversations.

Yes those are innocuous small talk questions I ask me colleagues. It's okay to want to know what's actually going on with your family members. This isn't a stranger asking.

[Anonymous]

If they wanted you to know they would tell you. How hard is that to understand? The previous poster sounds like the person that people skip family get together to avoid. You are up there with my MIL who likes to ask people what they weigh.