How do you do it all?!

[Anonymous]

I have a flexible job that is WFH 4 out of 5 days a week, and I can log off for the after-school hours. So no nanny or aftercare for us. I (with carpools) do the driving to activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not sustainable without a nanny or having kids in all day and extended day arrangements. We’ve been trying it for 4 years with no help and I’m about to start winding down with a plan to stay home again. It’s sad that part time work arrangements seem almost impossible to find.

I’ve worked 8:30-5:30 for 25+ years. Drop kids at daycare or school and then picked them up for 20yrs. It is sustainable when you don’t have any other choice. Plenty of people do this every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you either find something that’s full time but also flexible/remote AND your DH uses some seniority to get some flexibility, WFH days, etc. or you stagger schedules so someone is 8-4 and home for the activity runs/dinner and the other one gets kids off in the morning. Or you get a lot of help, which likely means full time nanny given how many random no school days there are. Without Nannies, many folks leave at 4/early and catch up after kids go to bed.

This is my family.
DH and I both work full-time. We have flexible work accommodations (hybrid in office only 1 or 2 days per week with relatively short commutes, allowed to work late at night from home, etc) and 2 DDs. Older DD is elementary age and does aftercare during the school year for roughly 1.5 hours after school. Younger DD is still in daycare. We stagger our schedules as much as possible, and one of us (usually me) logs off by 4:30 each day then catches up on emails after the kids are in bed each night.
Older DD does a series of day camps for roughly 6 weeks during summer, and we coordinate this with her friends as much as possible. The other 4 summer weeks are either family vacation or me shifting my schedule to WFH while she hangs out around the house or with neighborhood friends. We are fortunate to have a small group of similar families in our neighborhood, and the kids all are roughly the same age and play well together.
I handle all meal prep and do a fair bit of cooking on the weekend to have leftovers or easy heat and eat items during the week. We usually do pizza and a movie on Fridays. I broke down and hired monthly cleaners last year. We have no local family and an occasional babysitter that we use once every 2-3 months or so to try to squeeze in a date night.
Other "shortcuts" include grocery delivery, hiring help for occasional yard work, running laundry on my WFH days, and not overscheduling sports/extracurriculars. But it is hectic, my job (while flexible) is more stressful than I'd prefer, and there's little to no time in there for myself to decompress.

[Anonymous]

Dc area is a grind. Try to live further out if you can like Howard or Anne arundel where things are cheaper (especially housing.). I would hold off on getting into the job market depending on your kids ages. Your kids are going through a huge adjustment and losing your attention to a will exacerbate that. Your spouse will just have to deal with the commute.

I work part time from home, dh telecommutes half the week. Frankly it’s still hard with three kids. We do biweekly cleaners and have neighborhood sitters part time.

[Anonymous]

Stagger schedules

WFH at least 2 days a week and then you have 2 days you can easily cook dinner

Hire a nanny

Honestly it’s busy but not that difficult. I don’t find it any easier or more difficult than when I have been at home not working.

[Anonymous]

PP from 12:07 again.
If you plan on utilizing public schools, pay attention to the scheduled start/stop times. Our county seems to favor earlier starts for the younger kids, and our elementary school day runs from 8AM-2:35PM. DD has a short bus ride and gets picked up by 7:40 in the mornings. That early start time is super helpful for us!
There appears to be a huge variation in start/stop times for districts in the DMV area. I have coworkers with children in elementary schools in other counties that don't start until after 9AM.

[Anonymous]

I don't live in DC but in another city and I work a gov't job with 9-5 in office and one day a week WFH. I also have ability to flex hours and take a short lunch so I often work 8:30-4:00. My commute is 25 minutes. My husband works at home. We have one kid, she does aftercare and our school starts way earlier than in the DC area (school and camp both start at 8). We have one kid, we do activities on weekends (just two during school year) + a few playdates on weekends (although we also frequently hang with her after care crew post pick up at the school playground). School is 1 block away.

I have a lot of PTO and my husband WFH most days so we use that for dr. appts and similar. The key is living close to everything and easy hours. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not sustainable without a nanny or having kids in all day and extended day arrangements. We’ve been trying it for 4 years with no help and I’m about to start winding down with a plan to stay home again. It’s sad that part time work arrangements seem almost impossible to find.

I’ve worked 8:30-5:30 for 25+ years. Drop kids at daycare or school and then picked them up for 20yrs. It is sustainable when you don’t have any other choice. Plenty of people do this every day.

Surely you had them in extended care if you didn’t leave work until 5:30? Which is what the person you’re replying to said.

[Anonymous]

Lots and lots of cocaine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:50% of my income goes towards nanny salary/cleaning help, makes sense for me so I don’t lose out on earnings potential if I stopped working or moved into a less intense job/field.

Daughter goes to DCPS (free), nanny drives to activities, does dinner when I get home late (sometimes 7-8). I do have some flexibility — wfh Mondays and Fridays — but generally have about 3 intense days a week.

For sick days, holidays we have nanny help. I am able to plan other annual checkups/dentists etc when I am Wfh

How many hours per day do you see your kid?

It depends on the day — on a busy day, maybe 3 hours (we wake up around 6 am). On a WFH day I see them a lot more. And of course I spend the whole weekend with them

I grew up with two parents working full time in blue collar jobs, and grew up in care settings/latch key kid. My mom actually juggled 3 jobs at one point (nights/weekends). That is the reality for many Americans. I feel privileged to occasionally work from home, have a great (even though challenging) job, and am able to afford good childcare for my daughter.

I will say I don’t have hobbies or a personal life — I don’t see friends outside of an occasional work day lunch or if we are doing stuff with kids on the weekend. I feel like it is a phase of life and a sacrifice I make to prioritize my career/family but get that it doesn’t work for anyone.

Figure out what your values are and what makes you happy! My MIL was a stay at home mom, cared for the kids exclusively and had a huge social life/group of friends (and still does to this day). Lots of time to herself and to play tennis, volunteer, etc. But she constantly laments about her regrets on never having a career and feels super insecure about it

You can’t have it all, so figure out what it is that you want and be happy with your choices! I am tired and definitely overextended but really fulfilled. I am proud of the example I set for my daughter and I always looked up to my working mom (and never resented her for not being around, if that is the implication). You may be fulfilled by different things and that’s ok too!

[Anonymous]

You don't do it all. You focus on what is important.

We both work and have no family help in the area. My son is now 11.

My husband does all the cooking and shopping. Instant Pot is his friend.

I focus on laundry, bills, tidying, and generally all of the kid management...extracurriculars, clothes, supplies, communication with teachers and coaches, etc.

Try to focus on what you became a parent. Was it to enroll your kid in a zillion things? Was it for connection with a person who will do good things in the world? Was it to strengthen family or community bonds? Whatever it is, focus on that. Let the rest go.

[Anonymous]

So jealous of all you folks who can WFH or stagger your schedules. DH and I don’t have that luxury and I’m sure it makes things a lot easier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Thank you for these very thoughtful responses! I feel like I learned so much.
Also more people had nannies with older kids than I realized so maybe that is just an expense we need to budget for. My fear is with my likely low salary (from limited experience and no real career trajectory) may make paying for a nanny moot. We will have to crunch some numbers if/when I get an offer I guess.

How are you affording a nanny and a house in the DMV on one Foreign Service Officer salary?

FSOs can sponsor their nannies they had in developing countries so the nannies get paid a much lower rate than normal U.S. nannies but they have free housing and food and the salary is still good enough for them to send money back home. It is comparable to an au pair situation except it's a full-time employee, can work overtime for overtime pay, no cultural/education component, and there is the continuity of keeping the same nanny the kids already know from their overseas post.

Yes, they can. They also have to pay her the minimum wage and benefits and pay for her health insurance. The minimum wage in MD is 16 dollars per hour.

That is cheaper than a teenage babysitter rate.

Teenage babysitters don't get room and board.

Nor full time hours.

[Anonymous]

The state department is a hotbed of sketchy labor situations.

[Anonymous]

Covid and WFH/hybrid and flexibilities have helped with this a ton. DH and I are both mostly WFH. So our kids go to daycare/aftercare but it's not a super long day. We can get some light housework and errands done during the day. We aren't losing tons of hours to commuting.

To be blunt, it's some combo of one/both people need a flexible job OR someone needs a very high paying job where you outsource a ton. If you are not in one of those camps, it is a serious juggle. OP it will probably be hard breaking into a job that offers flexibility alongside decent pay and the right kind of work after not working while abroad. So there might be a tough period at the outset.