How do you do it all?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for OP (sorry to make this about me)-

I have an opportunity to take a GS-15 level role in the foreign service. It would entail moving to a country where it would be inexpensive to hire help.

But the job is much more demanding than probably any job I’ve ever had.

I’m trying to figure out if my flexible job with zero help here in the US is better than an intense job but where we could literally have full time help. If we end up doing it I intend to have a full time nanny, weekend nanny, and housekeeper/cook. I will outsource every possible thing I can so I can focus on my kids and work exclusively.

I’m a DW and my husband is useless (ADHD/depression/autism/low T) so no matter where we live or what job I have, I’ll be running the household.

I’m leaning towards the overseas job because I wonder if it would help my resentment towards DH, because it would be less obvious to me how little he does if we are outsourcing everything.

The outcome of this I think would depend hugely on kids ages, temperments, and network. Full time help will be a small comfort if your kid is removed from all of their friends and depressed. If they are young/flexible/healthy, I would consider.

[Anonymous]

The answer is many of us see the writing on the wall and either take a step back, change careers, or work extra hard to get to a position where we can be flexible.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a silly question but why don’t you get a visa for a baby from whatever country you’re departing? Most state department families that I know who are coming back from postings bring the person along they had help there. Don’t you get visas fast tracked or something?

[Anonymous]

Visa for a *NANNY not baby

[Anonymous]

First of us those of us who stayed in the workforce have in many cases earned the right to a lot of autonomy and flex. So your situation may look different but mine is this:

730a wake up
830 drop kids
9a work out
945 shower
10a - 5p work (can leave if need be to go to thing - not every day but as needed)
(Kids school finished at 315-330 then they do a sport or activity at school)
5-630 one of us gets kids (whoever didn’t drop them) and other person works a little longer).
6-7p dinner/ homework
7-830 - either go do something all together or if more work/ calls then kids watch tv and we do those
830 - kids go to bed and do 2h more work/ life admin while half watching tv
1030 - scroll internet mindlessly while watching tv and let brain be dumb for a second
11-1130 - bed

Go out like once a week.
I mean my social life sucks but it’s doable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a silly question but why don’t you get a visa for a baby from whatever country you’re departing? Most state department families that I know who are coming back from postings bring the person along they had help there. Don’t you get visas fast tracked or something?

Yes, OP, this is the answer. Bring your nanny back! It is a lot of paperwork but well worth the peace of mind. Ours did childcare, including all the random school days off/half days/weather delays, and cooked and cleaned as well. It was a total lifesaver with no family around to rely on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a silly question but why don’t you get a visa for a baby from whatever country you’re departing? Most state department families that I know who are coming back from postings bring the person along they had help there. Don’t you get visas fast tracked or something?

OP here - I could do this and I definitely know other people who have. I’m not bringing her back with us because I don’t have a job back in the US yet. I don’t know if I will even find one or how long it will take. So it seems silly to bring her if I end up paying her US wages for a long period if I don’t need her. She also has family here in the country we are posted at. We are already stressed about living in DC on one salary for potentially awhile and I don’t want to add to our expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answer is many of us see the writing on the wall and either take a step back, change careers, or work extra hard to get to a position where we can be flexible.

Yes I now see I have to prioritize flexibility or work from home. It may take longer to find something like that but sounds like it would be worth it. Everyone was so helpful on this- I really appreciate it! It honestly made me feel better about moving back.

[Anonymous]

Work in your kid’s school as an assistant. Same hours and no take home work.

[Anonymous]

We manage to 'do it all's but none of it as well as we would like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone can do it all. The people claiming that they do it all because their nanny is looking after their kids are only doing the work. They are not spending time with their children to the same degree a SAHM is. So, no one is doing it all. Plus, what is doing it ALL even means. What are your priorities?

I am a highly educated SAHM. I only have two kids who are NT and high achieving. I am not doing the work that a mom with ND kids is doing. I am not juggling the needs of more than 2 kids. We do not have pets. I am not looking after the needs of pets. I am not providing elder care currently.

We live in an average neighborhood with average schools, but it is a nice, large SFH. My kids go to magnet public schools that are 45 minutes away and I drop them and pick them up every single day. I spend 3 hours on the road, my kids spend 1.5 hours travelling. But I save the cost of private school and get an amazing education for my kids. I pay for tutors for EC and acceleration for my kids, but I spend more to have them come home. This costs more but saves my kids travel times.

I pay to get some of my domestic chores outsourced. But, I am still managing this and my time goes in that.

We host pretty consistently and I do all the planning, entertainment, decorating and cooking elaborate meals for 30-50 people at times - but I pay for servers, cleaners, bartenders.

So, who is doing it ALL? No one. My kids were raised by me so I saved money on childcare and my kids got excellent care. BUT, I did not earn money for this. Thankfully, my DH makes enough that we do not need my paycheck for their college and our retirement, but if he didn't then my not earning a paycheck would have cost my family and jeopardized my children's future.

SAHM's are not spending all their time with their kids and if they are why even.. that's more odd than spending a couple hours a day with them. It's so weird, your kid gets home from school at 3pm and you stay by their side... every single one of them from 3pm-9pm. That's weird.

You homeschool?

Are you lacking reading comprehension? No, I do not homeschool but my kids are enriched and accelerated in subjects and ECs that are not covered by the school. I want them to have succeed in college and career, so I spend time in making sure that opportunities are identified or created for them so that they have an edge,

Do you lack intelligence.

I work and do the same.

One kid got a D1 scholarship to a T30 school and one plays piano and a few other instruments.

Guess what most kids on his team have 2 working parents, hard work is something you model.

Getting ahead is about who you know not what you know,

You’re an immigrant? From your writing it sounds like it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After care and work from home (to the extent possible). We’ve managed to go without a nanny/Au pair for several years because of aftercare, and we are not at all alone. Sometimes my kids whine about it, and sometimes I pick them up early just because. But overall I don’t think the long day at school is that bad. My kids get their homework done in aftercare and they have friends to hang out with. Easy dinners, even having my junior chef children cook them sometimes. Having a nanny/Au pair was on balance more trouble than doing it “all” but I’m also not good at managing people and am an introvert.

Makes sense.

Nanny is very different from au pair. The latter is living with you and not experienced in childcare. I love our nanny. She has great boundaries and is amazing with our kids. I would expect a lot less from an au pair and wouldn’t use an au pair if my kids were young.

All the aupair I’ve had or my SIL had or I met through the program had a college education and some experience with child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work in your kid’s school as an assistant. Same hours and no take home work.

That pay is complete shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents with no remote options and three kids, two of whom have special needs which greatly increases the amount of appointments. No family help and only paid help was an every other housecleaner which we didn’t have until all kids were school aged.

You do it by being organized. You plan ahead. You schedule appointments well in advance and as many as possible on the same day. You guard your leave time from work so you can get the necessities done. You make simple meals from the menu you preplanned. And you get things ready for the week on Sunday - packing lunches, laying out clothes for the week, etc.

Aftercare helps with some things, like homework. And they fed my kids so no one came home starving and cranky.

And you make sure no one in the family has ADHD, especially you.

PP here. Actually two kids with ADHD. it actually made my house run more efficiently because we had to be super organized and live with a lot of rules. To this day, no one would even think about leaving something laying around instead of putting it where it belongs. They even tell their friends where to put things when they come over.

And even though mine were in daycare, I felt like we had lots of time together every day except the first few months of kindergarten for my youngest. Maybe mine didn’t sleep as much as other people’s did.

Yeah. I think this type of ND shaming is harmful and stereotypical. There are many very successful people with ADHD.

Agreed - 2 adhd and dyslexic kids. Successful with 2 working parents

[Anonymous]

We’ve done a combination of many of the things listed. We are both Feds. Nanny, after care, job place flexibility, tele-work with older kids at home. We have no family nearby.

My husband and I just back each other up and coordinate closely. It is rare we both have long wok days on the same day.

Like you said millions do it - so you figure it out. Lots of planning.

In a pinch I ask a neighbor for help. And I help her.