Anonymous wrote:I look at them but only like and DM the hot bikini grad students. I want to find out more about their research.
I know this is a joke, but there are so many women who have no idea that the BEST case scenario for what their husband is looking at would be "grad students". Teen relatives is more like it for most of DCUM's DHs.
Anonymous wrote:It would be a dealbreaker for me- but everyone is different, so you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but if your SO has instagram, he's at the least looking at bikini pics. And you look at one bikini pic and the algorithm goes bananas. Next thing you know, you're getting blitzed with teens twerking or Japanese one=piece swimsuit models.
If it's a dealbreaker for your SO to be looking at scantily clad women displaying their bodies... you better get him off Insta, RIGHT AWAY.
Anonymous wrote:OP you’re not alone but don’t try to be a “cool girl” who pretends this blatant disrespect is okay. If he likes looking at his friends in bikinis, that’s fine if and only if he keeps ALL thoughts and praise in his own head.
I’m a middle aged fuddy duddy of a woman (happily married for almost 20 years FWIW) but I simply cannot understand why so many young women in their prime seem to be okay with losers essentially humiliating them in public. There are LOTS of potential boyfriends out there, OP. You don’t need to settle for this garbage.
I called him and called him out about it and he said he'll go through and unlike all the pics and that theyre just girls he's friends with. The thing is I've mentioned it before and then he does it again. He always tells me I'm the love of his life, his soulmate, that he cant imagine life with anyone else... but whenever he does this it makes me think it's all BS. I go back and forth between thinking I should leave and then thinking I'm overreacting. As far as I know he's never cheated but I get so fed up with this scenario. I do believe he really loves me but when he does it makes me think he's a horndog with no self control and it's a matter of time before some woman hits on him in a bar and he cheats.
Girl do you have any standards? Your bar is so low it's on the floor. Dump this guy and find someone who doesn't constantly lie to you and disrespect you.
Yeah, I do have standards, hence me considering ending the relationship and posting here (duh). I'm looking to hear from DCUM how big of a deal this is and how seriously it should be taken. I'm not as old as the majority of the posters here so still unsure of what to expect
OP I mean this very gently, but I think the fundamental problem is you have a lack of confidence and possibly even a fundamental lack of self. You don’t need to crowdsource to a bunch of strangers on the internet about this.
Does your BF’s behavior make you feel upset, uncomfortable, bad? Yes. Have you communicated about it to him? Yes. Does he continue to engage in said behavior? Yes. If he completely stopped the behavior, does the fact that he was doing it in the first place still leave you feeling upset, uncomfortable, bad? Yes.
The answer is crystal clear. What other women think is fine or are willing to tolerate in their relationships has absolutely no bearing on what YOU think is fine or what YOU are willing to tolerate in YOUR relationships.
I’m not saying this to insult you, but you need to grow a spine before you have any hope of ever being in a genuinely healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
But in this case, the opinions of others does matter to me. I dont think it would bother me as much if it werent for the public aspect. Our relationship, when it's just us, makes me very happy and I feel like he really does love me. But by the nature of him liking other women's pictures, he's essentially bringing other people into the relationship and that's why i want to hear what other women think about it. Because I think, if it were up to me, I'd let it lay. But I know how others will take it or view it, and I dont want to be a dummy who's ignoring very public signals because she's goo-goo-gah-gah for her boyfriend. I feel like it makes me look a fool, so unfortunately it is the public, reputational aspect that's in question here, and why i am curious to hear others' opinions. It's not a one-on-one relationship issue, because he's really lovely one-on-one.
It does. It's giving "he's just not that into you".
Do you feel "loved" when you see the red heart next to a sexy picture of his friend? Do you feel "very happy" knowing your bffs can see that he's liking sexy pictures of his friends?
You say it bothers you, enough to tell him multiple times to stop. But you'd now say you'd let it lay? This is really sad. You are twisting yourself into knots to find a reason to stay with someone who is making you feel uncomfortable. You really do need some standards.
I really dont think that's fair. I get that sometimes people on here want to give tough love, but sometimes it doest come across a little unnecessarily curel, maybe even sadistic or derangedly hostile. I dont think I'm twisting myself into a pretzel- being with him, feeling loved by him, feels easy, intuitive, and wonderful. It's absolutely the public nature of all of it that bothers me, as you point out, and what I struggle with. It's very hard to reconcile the feeling of genuine love I get from him with what I perceive to be public disrespect (of course he denies that's what it is, which is why I've come here). I think a bit more sensitivity or just baseline kindness would be helpful for you in getting your point across in the future on here, if you're curious as to how to connect and give well received advice to other posters.
This response was hardly "unnecessarily cruel, sadistic or derangely hostile". If you think that's the case you should not explore any more of the internet. You are getting mad at the wrong person. You are getting mad at people calling this dude trash, and wondering why you are staying with someone who you feel publicly disrespects you.
You also didn't answer the questions. Do you feel "loved" when you see the red heart next to a sexy picture of his friend? Do you feel "very happy" knowing your bffs can see that he's liking sexy pictures of his friends?
To be clear, I have zero issue at anyone who's calling him trash, and in fact I appreciate the blunt honesty of many of the replies. I only take issue with the poster (you?) who continuously comes in to say I have no self respect and no standards, when I'm a young woman attempting to navigate relationship issues and am attempting to set appropriate standards. That hardly seems like no self respect to me, and it seems a bit cruel to be so harsh to someone who's asking for help. I have zero problem with people who want to call out my boyfriend's behavior, it's just frustrating to me that a certain (admittedly small) percentage of DCUM seem to have an almost pathological desire to always dogpile on the OP even for asking a question. I truly am grateful to everyone who's given helpful answers and their opinions, however harsh, about my boyfriend's behavior. Those posters have given me a lot to think about and for that I'm immensely grateful.
OP there were at least two posters pointing out that you lack self respect and standards. Believe it or not, THAT IS the helpful advice. You can reflect on it or you can make excuses and demand that people just be nice to you. Only one of those paths will actually help you in the long run.
Even if there were two, that is still (blessedly) very much the minority here, and I think it's fully appropriate to push back on some of the hostile and shaming language. Most of the posters have been wonderful and given me really helpful advice. My only intention was to helpfully explain to those two somewhat abrasive posters that it's not the most effective communication strategy, if they want to be able to meaningfully engage with OPs in the future. But to everyone who has stayed on topic, been kind, and yet given harsh advice- I've really appreciated it, and most of the posters here have been fantastic.
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