Faux pas? DD14 claims she’s humiliated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 14. You could sneeze and it would be a faux pas

+1
You did nothing wrong. DD's is friends with a couple kids who live in mansions - yup real mansions - and I respect their parents more because they are not show-offs with their money and buy clothes on sale and like everyone else think twice when an activity is expensive.

[Anonymous]

Fine, I would have done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

What activity is $50 a person ($100 for 2)? I am really wanting to know.

If this were me, I would say no, that won't work for us today. If my kid pushed back that we have money (and she has) I remind her: "I am the one with money, I am the one that has a job and goes to work and that has earned it. You don't have money, you don't have a job. You are poor. So since I am the one with the money, my decision is no. If you have your own money, ok, spend that."

I don't want to raise an entitled kid who cannot sustain her lifestyle or ends up like Tori Spelling (never was told no, never understood finance or how to live within her means). So say no. Your kid will live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Everything is fine. You behaved like a normal human being. Don't give this another thought.

This. Maybe next time just say, no we can’t do this today maybe another time ( in front of friend) and then tell the real reason to your daughter later but honestly it is very good to know that sometimes we just can’t afford things we want at that moment. Great life lesson. I have said things about being more money than I think they should be in front of my dd14 friends but they were obviously not things the friend had or was buying. Neither seemed to be fazed.
And to put in context the friend is not low income by any means. I have also said in front of a friend that my daughter already has one (of an expensive swimsuit) and one was enough, in front of friend when dad asked for another. She rolled her eyes, but I think limits are very important. They can be said with a smile.

[Anonymous]

Any friend that judges over this is not a friend you want her to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What activity is $50 a person ($100 for 2)? I am really wanting to know.

If this were me, I would say no, that won't work for us today. If my kid pushed back that we have money (and she has) I remind her: "I am the one with money, I am the one that has a job and goes to work and that has earned it. You don't have money, you don't have a job. You are poor. So since I am the one with the money, my decision is no. If you have your own money, ok, spend that."

I don't want to raise an entitled kid who cannot sustain her lifestyle or ends up like Tori Spelling (never was told no, never understood finance or how to live within her means). So say no. Your kid will live.

Np, could be laser tag, go carts, rock climbing, etc. I take my kids and their friends all the time and this is what they cost.

[Anonymous]

It’s totally fine, OP. Kids need to know that money doesn’t grow on trees, and $100 is expensive for an activity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s totally fine, OP. Kids need to know that money doesn’t grow on trees, and $100 is expensive for an activity!

A lot of people are raised to believe talking about money is crass. She should have discussed it privately with her dd. Or given another reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Everything is fine. You behaved like a normal human being. Don't give this another thought.

This. Maybe next time just say, no we can’t do this today maybe another time ( in front of friend) and then tell the real reason to your daughter later but honestly it is very good to know that sometimes we just can’t afford things we want at that moment. Great life lesson. I have said things about being more money than I think they should be in front of my dd14 friends but they were obviously not things the friend had or was buying. Neither seemed to be fazed.
And to put in context the friend is not low income by any means. I have also said in front of a friend that my daughter already has one (of an expensive swimsuit) and one was enough, in front of friend when dad asked for another. She rolled her eyes, but I think limits are very important. They can be said with a smile.

This is the WHOLE issue. Some people are missing the point, thinking it’s about the “no”, but it’s all about THE WAY she said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s totally fine, OP. Kids need to know that money doesn’t grow on trees, and $100 is expensive for an activity!

A lot of people are raised to believe talking about money is crass. She should have discussed it privately with her dd. Or given another reason.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you (so don’t feel bad). Thank you for sharing this experience so I know to be more sensitive in the future when my DD gets older.

[Anonymous]

My 14yo son hears that all the time because I don’t like wasteful spending. If he doesn’t want to hear that, then he shouldn’t bring his friends around me, I guess. It does seem like possibly the friend is a bit snobby.

Recently my son was embarrassed because I asked the ortho person how long he has to wear his retainer. The answer is forever. He said my question made him look dumb. I was like, no it made me look dumb (and probably old).

[Anonymous]

$100 is expensive. Don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the friend is a judgmental brat and your DD is right there with her

What, exactly, is wrong with being “poor?” I’d rather be that than many things.

I would have reminded my sweet DD that, by her definition, SHE is in fact “poor” because she’s not bringing in one dime to support herself.

That’s fine and no one really cares but maybe her friend is wealthy and most wealthy people really look down on poor people like it’s a huge character flaw or something to be poor. The disdain that most wealthy people have for poor people is really astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Everything is fine. You behaved like a normal human being. Don't give this another thought.

This. Maybe next time just say, no we can’t do this today maybe another time ( in front of friend) and then tell the real reason to your daughter later but honestly it is very good to know that sometimes we just can’t afford things we want at that moment. Great life lesson. I have said things about being more money than I think they should be in front of my dd14 friends but they were obviously not things the friend had or was buying. Neither seemed to be fazed.
And to put in context the friend is not low income by any means. I have also said in front of a friend that my daughter already has one (of an expensive swimsuit) and one was enough, in front of friend when dad asked for another. She rolled her eyes, but I think limits are very important. They can be said with a smile.

This is the WHOLE issue. Some people are missing the point, thinking it’s about the “no”, but it’s all about THE WAY she said no.

Correct.

Also, I think kids just need to accept sometimes that hanging at the friend's house IS the activity. They can walk around the neighborhood if they're "bored."