Faux pas? DD14 claims she’s humiliated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make her use her allowance money, once she starts paying for things herself she’ll have an opportunity to learn how to budget and build money skills

Ding,ding,ding!!

This. When they are asked to spend their money, they will settle for something cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you said was not at all inappropriate in any sense OTHER than tween girl dynamics.

In that sense, and in her mind, I can see how it was humiliating. You weren't wrong. But her feelings are valid.

It wasn't necessary to say you weren't doing it because of the expense.

I agree with this. I can understand how it was embarrassing for her. That said, you weren’t wrong!

Sometimes life is embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my children that they should not spring anything on me in front of their friends because they may not like my unplanned out answer. It took a few reminders but we got there. My kid would have excused herself and come to see me privately.

+1
My kid routinely springs things on me in front of her friends. It’s almost as if she thinks asking in front of them will help her cause? The requests are outrageous, sometimes illegal, and often require sacrifice in my part. I say no. Her friends all think we are super mean.

[Anonymous]

14yos are humiliated about everything, doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Also, the humiliation they feel may be very real, even if you did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore PP.

Everything is fine. You behaved like a normal human being. Don't give this another thought.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine.

Also 14 year olds are weirdos who literally don’t want the other kids to even know they have parents, so she’ll be hissing at you about how embarrassing you are for a year or two more. Was discussing this with my husband today as our youngest is 14 and in this phase. His 16 year old brother is finally out of it.

+1 on this. I said hello and had a brief chat with a former neighbor girl that i used to see daily, and my 13-year old said it was SO WEIRD and EMBARASSING that I was speaking to them.
I think what you did was not only fine, it was totally appropriate. If my kids expected me to just drop $100 because they were bored, I'd tell them to think again. And we have plenty of money. If they wanted to go for ice cream and you said "we can't afford that" -- that might be embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my children that they should not spring anything on me in front of their friends because they may not like my unplanned out answer. It took a few reminders but we got there. My kid would have excused herself and come to see me privately.

+1
My kid routinely springs things on me in front of her friends. It’s almost as if she thinks asking in front of them will help her cause? The requests are outrageous, sometimes illegal, and often require sacrifice in my part. I say no. Her friends all think we are super mean.

I would take out the "almost as if" here. The kids totally know that if they put you in an awkward situation, you will be more likely to say yes.

[Anonymous]

You were right. It’s still embarrassing. I also would have nixed an unplanned expensive activity, but I would not have acted flustered about the cost. I would have made up a plausible non-financial reason to stick with the original plan.

If I had a kid who often put me in this position, we would have a look or a code that would signal to them “don’t press me on this or I will say it’s too expensive on front of your friend”.

My guess is that one of two things is going on.
1. Your daughter’s friend’s parents are much wealthier or just choose to spend in flashier ways and your daughter wanted to impress her friend - or she wanted her friend to perceive that an unplanned expense of that amount was no big deal.
2. Both girls know that if they asked either set of parents alone that both families would say no - so they sprang it on you at the last minute to put you on the spot.

[Anonymous]

To a 14 year old, yes, this is embarrassing. You could have declined differently.

When I was that age, my mother told a friends mother that we couldn’t afford for me to go to a camp. While true, my mother could have said something else was the reason. The other mother told her daughter who then told me. It was a terrible feeling as a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD had a friend over today. The plan was they’d hang out, then the friend would join us for dinner and dessert. Well, not long after they got home they decided they were bored and wanted to go to an activity. I considered it, looked up prices and was couldn’t believe my eyes. Without thinking I blurted out to DD, “I don’t think we are going to do that. It’s really expensive!” I blurted out some other ideas and we landed on something else. DD pulled me aside and told me it was “humiliating” that I mentioned the price because now her friend probably thinks we are poor. It was just that I wasn’t about to pay $100 for an unplanned activity after some recent expenses (for DD.)

Did I make the huge faux pas that DD perceives or am I fine?

You're absolutely fine. No faux pas other than being a mom to a teen girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To a 14 year old, yes, this is embarrassing. You could have declined differently.

When I was that age, my mother told a friends mother that we couldn’t afford for me to go to a camp. While true, my mother could have said something else was the reason. The other mother told her daughter who then told me. It was a terrible feeling as a 14 year old.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my children that they should not spring anything on me in front of their friends because they may not like my unplanned out answer. It took a few reminders but we got there. My kid would have excused herself and come to see me privately.

+1
My kid routinely springs things on me in front of her friends. It’s almost as if she thinks asking in front of them will help her cause? The requests are outrageous, sometimes illegal, and often require sacrifice in my part. I say no. Her friends all think we are super mean.

Now I want to know about these requests!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine.

Also 14 year olds are weirdos who literally don’t want the other kids to even know they have parents, so she’ll be hissing at you about how embarrassing you are for a year or two more. Was discussing this with my husband today as our youngest is 14 and in this phase. His 16 year old brother is finally out of it.

+1 on this. I said hello and had a brief chat with a former neighbor girl that i used to see daily, and my 13-year old said it was SO WEIRD and EMBARASSING that I was speaking to them.
I think what you did was not only fine, it was totally appropriate. If my kids expected me to just drop $100 because they were bored, I'd tell them to think again. And we have plenty of money. If they wanted to go for ice cream and you said "we can't afford that" -- that might be embarrassing.

I’m a teacher and my kid thinks it’s so embarrassing if I say hi to my students when I see them in public. I’m talking about 6/7 year olds 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To a 14 year old, yes, this is embarrassing. You could have declined differently.

When I was that age, my mother told a friends mother that we couldn’t afford for me to go to a camp. While true, my mother could have said something else was the reason. The other mother told her daughter who then told me. It was a terrible feeling as a 14 year old.

+1

“We can’t afford it” is not the same thing as “that’s too expensive”. Kids need to hear that their parents won’t shell out for any little whim they have, and that some things aren’t worth the price being charged. PP who said to have the kid pay out of their allowance is spot-on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To a 14 year old, yes, this is embarrassing. You could have declined differently.

When I was that age, my mother told a friends mother that we couldn’t afford for me to go to a camp. While true, my mother could have said something else was the reason. The other mother told her daughter who then told me. It was a terrible feeling as a 14 year old.

No pain, no gain. You learn how your real friends are that way.