If you’re someone who thinks sex selection with IVF is a bad idea…

[Anonymous]

We have girl boy girl. All are close. When the girl (6 grades older) goes off to college, the youngest girl will get her much nicer room.

Something we love is that the middle child is unique in being the only boy. I think sometimes middle children get left behind but he doesn’t since he’s the only boy. My girls are very close even being 6 grades apart.

I do like having the girl as my baby. The baby of the family will always get babied a bit more and it’s nice to have had one more shot at bows and pink and girly things. But that’s probably a me thing. Dh was happy too since we both thought girls are a bit easier to parent.

I wouldn’t judge anyone using sex choice with IVF. I’m so happy having one of each gender, so how could I begrudge that of others? China just gave it a bad name and did the sex choice poorly.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do this. Selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infertility clearly brings out bitterness and anger, which I guess is understandable. So many mean responses.

OP I think your logic is sound. I also don’t think it’s wrong to mourn the loss of your preferred age gap. My oldest was a nightmare baby so we weren’t ready to even try again until she was almost 3. I had to get over being sad at their age gap being bigger than 2 years. I guess anything but total gratitude is nuts to those experiencing infertility but it’s normal for most.

I would not choose the sex just because I wouldn’t want to feel responsible for any issues later on. I struggle with anything I can blame myself for.

“Mourn the loss of preferred age gap?” Lol so idiotic. Not having children would be a reason to mourn, not this.

[Anonymous]

I hope you can filter out the rudeness here. I've come to expect it, but it's still jarring sometimes. Anyway, IVF mama here, just wanted to share my understanding is that there's some bias towards judging male embryos as better candidates for transfer because they have more cell division earlier. Of course everyone's medical records are unique, but anecdotally, all of my acquaintances and myself had the experience of the embryologists selecting a male embryos to transfer first when there were both gender embryos available, so please know that bias may work against your hopes if you leave it to someone else. In my case we donated our female embryos that we couldn't parent to another couple and those girls are beautiful and healthy. And, as we know, you can't know what your actual choice will be until you go through everything and get the final report.

[Anonymous]

The reason I oppose sex selection with IVF is that the aggregate impacts could be very bad for society. It's not that your choice is going to ruin your family or the world it's that if everyone starts choosing you wind up with a lot of problems in terms of gender balance in society plus it's a great way for a lot of sexist and gender essentialist attitudes to get reinforced.

For these reasons I think it should be illegal except in the rare circumstance where there is a genetic issue that makes it inadvisable for a couple to have a baby with specific chromosomes. In which case it's not really sex selection as just selecting for the most viable chromosomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did your IVF cycle(s) go? Did you end up facing this dilemma?

OP here! First IVF cycle was successful, only one genetically healthy embryo, so never had a decision to make. Implanted successfully, and it turns out is a boy. We’re very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did your IVF cycle(s) go? Did you end up facing this dilemma?

OP here! First IVF cycle was successful, only one genetically healthy embryo, so never had a decision to make. Implanted successfully, and it turns out is a boy. We’re very happy.

Congratulations! My nephews are over 5 years apart and they couldn’t have a closer relationship. It’s not what their parents planned, but it’s turned out to be great; the younger one idolizes his brother and the older one is so patient and loving with his brother. They don’t fight very much because of the age difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I oppose sex selection with IVF is that the aggregate impacts could be very bad for society. It's not that your choice is going to ruin your family or the world it's that if everyone starts choosing you wind up with a lot of problems in terms of gender balance in society plus it's a great way for a lot of sexist and gender essentialist attitudes to get reinforced.

For these reasons I think it should be illegal except in the rare circumstance where there is a genetic issue that makes it inadvisable for a couple to have a baby with specific chromosomes. In which case it's not really sex selection as just selecting for the most viable chromosomes.

It's entirely dependent on the society. Sex selection in a country like the US and most of the West is almost exactly 50/50 with an extremely slight preference for girls. Most people use it for "family balancing" vs and extremely strong preference for one sex and are therefore having both sexes. Plus, the vast majority are not using IVF to conceive, so gender selection via IVF is very unlikely to move the needle on gender balance at a societal level. The US isn't China under the one child policy, for every person chasing a boy there's another wanting a girl. So I think societal impact largely minimal, though I guess I concede it could impact some cultural communities more than others where there is an overwhelming consensus on sex preference.

[Anonymous]

One of the things that seems prevalent in DC is the sense that you have to make a series of correct choices, or your life is ruined. This area is full of people who worked hard in school, got into a good college, got the right internship, got the right job, started their kid on an instrument at precisely age 7 etc. This creates a sense that if there is a choice, there must be a correct choice. Any deviation from the path is a disaster; hence the desire to control the spacing between kids.

In reality, life sends us random events, there are many paths to success and failure, and we tend to adapt to our circumstances quite well. Best of luck to you and your trio, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did your IVF cycle(s) go? Did you end up facing this dilemma?

OP here! First IVF cycle was successful, only one genetically healthy embryo, so never had a decision to make. Implanted successfully, and it turns out is a boy. We’re very happy.

Yay!

I am new on this old thread, but FWIW, there is a 15 year gap between myself and my sister, with two brothers born in between, with some big gaps like 5 and 7 years. Probably not how my parents would have planned it. We are all adults now, and we are all close, even if we did not get along with each other every single minute when we were kids. That is family life.

[Anonymous]

We did IVF, but we did not need to test our embryos. The only people I know who selected sex were already testing their embryos for other reasons - like avoiding passing down a genetic condition.

If you don’t need to test for medical reasons, I would not do it. The clear preference you have for one sex could influence you to select a slightly less viable embryo to get the one your want. I prefer letting the embryologist pick the best looking one.