If you’re someone who thinks sex selection with IVF is a bad idea…

[Anonymous]

I’d really like your thoughts. That was always what I thought - you get what you get! But now I’m in an odd place and I’m actually considering it. Need someone to talk me out of it or remind me why this is a bad idea (or maybe say in this situation maybe it’s not crazy to consider?)

I have two children, boy - 4.5 and girl - almost 3. We’ve had trouble conceiving a third child so we’re currently doing IVF.

We’ve missed the window on our preferred spacing, so if we get lucky and IVF works, our younger two will be almost 4 years (and definitely 4 school years) apart. We had been hoping for a 2-3 year gap, so watching that slip way has been really hard. This will definitely be our last child.

I never had a preference for the sex of my babies. But now, I do. I have a fairly strong preference for a girl. I just feel like this baby (if we are even lucky enough to have one!) will be so much younger than the others, at least both being girls maybe there will be more of a chance of bonding between the two younger kids. Plus two of our children will have to share a room. I’d much rather have two girls 4 years apart sharing a room than two boys 5.5 years apart sharing a room. That gap just seems CRAZY large to me.

We’re having to do IVF anyway, so all of a sudden I’m thinking, well, if we’re lucky enough to get a choice, why not pick? But I know a year ago I would have thought that was a bad idea.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think sex selection makes sense if you have a genetic condition that is more likely to affect one sex than the other. I think your reasoning is a little bit theoretical - I'm not sure that the older same sex sibling is any more likely to bond with they younger same sex sibling if they're 4 years apart vs. 5.5?

For me (not for you!) I would never do sex selection because then if *anything* was wrong with the baby I'd have a hard time not thinking it was my fault for playing God or not just choosing the highest quality embryo. But I'm very superstitious and I'm not saying this because I think it's true, just because I know it would be my reaction.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re wrong that girls are more likely to be close. And the larger gap of roommates would mean more time without having to share bc the older would go off to college sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re wrong that girls are more likely to be close. And the larger gap of roommates would mean more time without having to share bc the older would go off to college sooner.

Agreed- girls sharing a room are likely to fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re wrong that girls are more likely to be close. And the larger gap of roommates would mean more time without having to share bc the older would go off to college sooner.

OP here. Good point about going off to college! I hadn’t thought of that.

Just to clarify, it’s not that I think girls are more likely to get along generally. I think that two kids 4 years apart are more likely to get along than two kids 5.5 years apart.

[Anonymous]

If you do it. Dont tell anyone especially your kids. I cant think of any way to tell your som you wanted to have 2 girls and didn't want him to have a brother because of the experience you have had having him as a son so far.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want to feel like I had chosen one embryo over another, when we created far more embryos than we could use.

[Anonymous]

I want to do this but am worried of the risks of the PGT test needed to determine gender. Which clinic are you working with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this but am worried of the risks of the PGT test needed to determine gender. Which clinic are you working with?

OP here. We have to do PGT-A testing anyway because of my age, so that’s a non-issue for us. We’re at Shady Grove.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do it. Dont tell anyone especially your kids. I cant think of any way to tell your som you wanted to have 2 girls and didn't want him to have a brother because of the experience you have had having him as a son so far.

OP here. Thank you for this - it’s a valuable perspective. This isn’t the case with us - I love raising both my kids, and if it were the other way around (my daughter was 4.5 and my son was 3) I’d be hoping for a son. It really is just about the age gap for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do it. Dont tell anyone especially your kids. I cant think of any way to tell your som you wanted to have 2 girls and didn't want him to have a brother because of the experience you have had having him as a son so far.

OP here. Thank you for this - it’s a valuable perspective. This isn’t the case with us - I love raising both my kids, and if it were the other way around (my daughter was 4.5 and my son was 3) I’d be hoping for a son. It really is just about the age gap for me.

OP to add - but others might jump to this same conclusion. There’s an optics issue that’s worth thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do it. Dont tell anyone especially your kids. I cant think of any way to tell your som you wanted to have 2 girls and didn't want him to have a brother because of the experience you have had having him as a son so far.

OP here. Thank you for this - it’s a valuable perspective. This isn’t the case with us - I love raising both my kids, and if it were the other way around (my daughter was 4.5 and my son was 3) I’d be hoping for a son. It really is just about the age gap for me.

But you can see how your son might hear it differently, right?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a private matter and no one's business. I just don't want to hear you whine about how you didn't get what you wanted or how hard it is to have this combo, vs that combo when you chose and were able to carry a healthy living pregnancy to term and being home a living baby.

[Anonymous]

I would do the enhanced screening that’s available now through companies like orchid and choose for best predicted psychological and physical health rather than sex.

[Anonymous]

I mean you may not have to face this issue OP. Or, you may and the girl will fail with implantation. IVF makes you feel like you are in control, you in fact are definitely not.

Best of luck on #3